I started to worry about my weight like a lot of people after seeing a photo of myself.
I had moved away from home, traveled for a while and then settled with the love of my life. We were content and happy …. we still are….. but what happens, as does with so many people in this situation. We ate our contentment and before I knew it I was the left photo.
The longer it was taking to get pregnant the more I ate my feelings and it became like my protection. My comfort blanket.
I have alway been chubby, I was always the chubby plain kid at school. But the silly thing is when I look back I wasn’t that over weight. In my head I saw a massive girl, miserable desperate to be loved.
I shared today a stat on my Facebook page to see how you guys reacted to it. It gave me so much comfort to see I’m so not alone, though it saddened me to see so many others in this struggle.
Loosing 5% of your body weight can increase your chances of conceiving!
I’m going to get real and very honest with you guys. This stat has been my enemy. These words hurt me more than anything we have been through. Why?
Because this makes it my fault.
NOT my womb and bad quality eggs.
My inability to loose weight. MY FAULT.
The truth is that some of these elements are out of my control. Even in truth the weight loss because, for all I have bad habits like all of us, I challenge anyone out there with an eating addiction to be solid steel enough to be perfect 100% of the time to lose the weight. It’s discouraging to be so clean and to lose nothing or worse to put on. That’s what PCOS has done to me.
To look at me and a lot of women in my position, the judgement part of the brain would think, she must over eat and be lazy. No one sees the struggle we have every single day to lose just one pound. I don’t say this to make excuses. It can be done it’s just very hard work, but here’s the honest part ………. I HATE THAT I HAVE TO AND I AM SO RESENTFUL OF IT!!!!
I see over weight pregnant ladies all the time, beautiful with their equally beautiful bumps! Why do I have to be the one to be thin to get what I do desperarely want?!? It enrages me!
What if I lose the weight, get to that mythical perfect weight and still do not conceive a healthy child? What then? What little hope that remains will be gone and I hate that I think like that!
The one thing that gets us through is hope, hope of what the future will hope. The image of my husband holding our child. If all hope is lost, I really do have to say goodbye to that dream.
I’m not ready for that just yet ….. someone pass me a bloody celery stick!!!