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The Childless Mother

Dealing with infertility and finding happiness

Introduction

For many years I have found writing to be a therapeutic tool. When I tried to process some of the most dark moments of my life putting pen to paper seemed to help in the way a pensieve does in the Harry Potter books. Carefully pulling the threads of dark thoughts and heart break out of my busy head and keeping them safe between the pages of my diaries. Blogging seemed like a natural progression from diary to internet.

I am by no means a professional writer and in truth a lot of what I have done was for me, that was until I started to share the story of our losing our babies. So many other women have since reached out to me that I finally feel like the last 12 years of heart break may have some meaning. I decided to separate my blogs and create one for our journey to become parents.

I hope you will find some comfort from our stories, I will share with you various stages of our journey as well as ways in which I have dealt with those awkward family moments.

To start this site I will give you a summary of who I am. I am 36 and I have been with my husband for nearly 14 years. I have PCOS and we have suffered multiple losses at very early stages of pregnancy. My life over the last 12 years has been consumed with baby making, I have felt broken and useless and totally alone. I have only recently started to pull myself together and acknowledge a future without children.

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A Picture Tells a Thousand Tales.

Do you ever look at a photo and it instantly takes you back to that time. To how you felt. To what was happening around you.

The picture with this article was of my husband and I after I lost a pregnancy. We went for a walk around our little village shortly after. The picture kills me now to look at because I see the hurt and pain in my eyes.

The desperation. The absolute and complete certainty that all hope was lost. That we would never be parents that my arms would be empty forever. That my heart would always be a little bit broken.

Three years on from this and I am healing. The ache from wanting children is still there but you do find a way of living with it. By looking around you. By seeing what good is in your life. For me that’s my wonderful husband, my mother, family and completely amazing friends. There is a lot to be thankful for.

I remember being in the thick of desperately wanting a child. It consumed my life and I would only ever read success stories. Those who had managed to finally get their bundle of joy. I wondered where were my fellow Childless / childfree people?. Today it’s different. So many wonderful women write about being Childless and do a lot to support us. I am thankful for them too “A Birds Eye View” is a personal favourite.

I do not know if I will ever be a mother. Does that hurt still. Of cause

I do know I will still be a worthwhile human being, I will still contribute to the world.

I think we make the rest of the world a little uncomfortable because we don’t fit the standard. Especially those people who are Childless by choice. But we fit perfectly into our world. We matter. A life can be full and happy even if you ache for something you can’t have or have decided it’s not for you.

I will always be reminded at times of that little break in my heart. It will always sting. But I am determined to not wallow. To be able to look back and feel like I didn’t spend all this time so consumed by baby making that no other happiness could break through my grief.

I look for moments that are quiet. That I can turn my face up to the sun (when it’s out) and say,

“Thank you for the life I have. It’s pretty great.”

❀️❀️

Why do I Feel Lonely?

Anyone can feel totally alone when they are surrounded by people that love them. It’s a weird place to be, that you can’t find the words to reach those people to say you are struggling.

As you all know, I have no problem finding the words and my blog and you lovely readers have helped me more than I could ever say. But even I have my moments of loneliness.

One of the difficult things to navigate around when you are gradually getting older and still childless is where you fit in. Life doesn’t really have an acceptable box for the childless over a certain age. It’s easier for some people if you follow the guidelines expected or if you can’t, that you keep it to yourself and pretend to fit the idea of normal. That’s something I was never going to be “Normal” … urgh … I hate that word!!

As more and more of our friends get their bundles of joy. We celebrate with them and then watch on with a certain amount of jealousy as their lives are filled with their children and as they grow their children’s activities, they are amerced into school social calendars and PTA events and activities and I just can’t relate to any of that.

It leaves me sometimes feeling like I am on a island alone.

Now don’t get me wrong, even if our miracle happens and we get to do all of that stuff, I would be the furthest from a PTA mum. Think more Bad Moms. Our kid would be riding to school on the back of a Harley and probably frightening other kids with discussions on how we have talked about surviving a zombie apocalypse. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ it’s just going to happen nothing we can do about that!! But at least I would get it.

It feels lonely at times sitting in a room of mums discussing Easter holiday plans, days out and what they need to get ready for the kids entertainment etc. It’s lonely because you have nothing to say at these times, or at least that’s how I feel. What am I going to say?

“We bought Jackson a huge Easter egg. He just loved it, we have booked them on a Easter egg hunt too!” πŸ˜•πŸ˜•

Jackson’s one of our dogs …. he would love an Easter egg/ hunt even though it would prob make him sick. He’s a nutter like that πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚.

Kids parties are another example. Friends get together to celebrate with other friends that have kids so they can have a play date. They don’t often invite the childless couple, because they aren’t sure if you would be upsetting or even if they would want to go. It’s another walking on egg shell moment.

I remember once being sat at my best friends house for some kind of product party and I was the only childless person there. The conversation understandably was kid, kids and more kids and then the expected “how many do you have?” (as I didn’t know many people there) followed by the awkward ….. I can’t have kids moment.

I had nothing to say or what I did was polite nonsense. I remember feeling like I was watching the rest of them from a different room, so separate. So you avoid these moments where you can. It’s just easier for everyone.

I know that I have to try, to find common ground but it doesn’t change the feeling of being alone.

It doesn’t mean I am not supported or that we aren’t supported. At this point I think my best friend and our families actually want us to have a child as much as we do probably more in my Besties case πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆ.

Learning to adjust to the idea of a life without children is hard, learning to not separate myself is something I work hard on all the time.

If someone is struggling in your life, perhaps cancelling events and changing plans. Give them time. Try not to be angry with them. I can be sure they aren’t doing it to be horrible. They are most likely just trying to find a way through this horrible maze of feelings. To try to survive it the best way they can.

It’s an on going struggle, we are constantly working at being able to fit in when we don’t fit the norm. I never, ever imagined a life where I wouldn’t have kids. I don’t know how that looks even though I am living it. It feels sometimes like I’m treading water just to keep my head up.

Accepting a new sort of future takes time. I still haven’t lost hope. So that’s got to be something to cling to. Hope.

One day soon it’s just got to get better, right??

❀️❀️

PCOS Girl vs Her Weight Loss Mountain.

About six years into our journey to becoming parents, I knew my weight would be a problem. It might even prevent us from being able to move forward with treatment.

When the Chlomid didn’t work and the other options were drying up. I had to face the fact it was time that I did something.

For years my weight had acted as a comforter, a layer of protection against the hurt I was feeling. With each baby lost, ripped from my body I took comfort in what I always had, food. As I did this layer upon layer went onto my body, like a physical badge of the pain I was feeling.

As I have written before, I was always a chubby kid. I was teased for it when I was young and in truth I did learn to toughen up about it. One day on my way back from college, I was probably 17 and not wearing very flattering jeans when a young boy asked if I would like his seat in my condition. He thought I was pregnant. I was so embarrassed I took the seat and thanked him. How do I tell someone. “No I’m just fat.” πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

I then met my now husband and our happiness turned to contentment and with that came eating, a lot of eating. The weight crept up and up but I didn’t see it. It was only standing in the fertility doctors office on those scales that would dictate what treatment I could have, as I stood there and the nurse told me I weighed iover 20st. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole.

The doctor then told me to get any further treatment. I would need to be below 30 bmi that’s 13st 3lbs for me. It felt like a mountain. When he added that it would prove to be difficult with the severity of my PCOS, I just felt like he told me I would almost certainly fail and that little voice that is often there telling me I can’t do something. Well she all out laughed at the idea of me trying to diet.

I made a good start but as promised it got difficult. Very difficult. I started to convince myself that it just wasn’t meant to be. I would find myself finding comfort in food and on went the cycle. On and on and on.

I wish I could bottle what’s been different this time. I would share it for free with anyone that needs it. I still remember the suffocating desperation, the urge to lose the weight but feeling like I couldn’t do it. My food cravings would always get the better of me. I could never imagine living without certain foods and if I tried I would think none stop of all the things I couldn’t have.

I heard so many times,

“Well if you really want it you will loose the weight”

The fact is if my body worked as others did that’s true but it’s soul destroying to give it your all, to deny yourself things you love to achieve that goal and then to lose nothing or even gain. The eyes in group on you like “she must be cheating!” I wasn’t.

I gave up frustrated. Resigned myself to the fact that I couldn’t get the weight off. That no one wanted to help me.

In May 2017 my husband and I went on another amazing holiday to New York (my favourite place) and then on to Dominican Republic (I also love it there). I felt frumpy and unattractive. I hated being by the pool. I decided when I got back….enough was enough. It was time to change.

I went to see my doctor and let it all out. I cried so much that I was hiccuping by the end of the appointment. She was the first doctor that really listened. I felt she was with me and really wanted to help, she herself had lost weight recently and she understood how hard it was for me. She also offered me Olistat. I knew about the drug and it’s side effects …. google them they aren’t pleasant. But I was desperate. The drug stopped my body absorbing some of the fats in the food.

With prescription in hand and a renewed motivation I stepped into my Slimming World class, it’s not the first or even second time I had joined and even a small bit of me thought;

“Oh here we go again!” πŸ™„πŸ™„

The first week I lost 11lbs. I was amazed. I followed the plan perfectly. Trusted in it and it provided a truly awesome loss. That motivated me into the second week and on. Between the plan and the tablets I have lost 49.5lbs and 24lbs away from my ivf goal. I had lost all hope of ever getting here, it made me feel so terribly guilty and sad that it was me standing in my own way. Now I feel hope again.

I don’t have a magic wand, the tablets aren’t miracle workers you can still gain but I feel they have me at a even chance like anyone else now. It’s still hard, so hard on days when I still want to comfort eat.

The amazing thing for me is that as time is going on, food is becoming less important. Where before I would be thinking about food most of my day, now I just think about what will take the hunger away quickly and what will help towards my next weeks loss.

Do I still have bad meals/ days. OF CAUSE!! I’m still that chubby girl inside and I still love food. The biggest change for me this time is that I forgive and forget the slips right away, from the next meal. I don’t let it drag on or punish myself by trying to skip meals, that ultimately would lead to more bad choices because I was so hungry.

I’m a little kinder to myself now. It’s ok not to be perfect and I try to not compare myself to other people.

I guess there are a lot of weight loss stories out there much more inspirational than mine, but I wanted to share this. To talk to the person out there crippled by grief, desperate for a family but feeling like they will never loose the weight they need to.

You can do it. Take small steps. Take it one meal at a time. Be kind to yourself. Find support either a group or maybe even some friends that may want to loose some with you.

If you have PCOS and probably find yourself explaining this when the scales don’t reflect the hard work you are putting in. I understand that. It might not show this week but it will show eventually don’t loose hope. Keep fighting.

I hope soon I will be writing a post at target. Ready to start the scary chapter that is IVF. The question mark that has loomed over us for years. Will it work. Part of me thinks I was scared to loose the weight because if it doesn’t work than that is the last of my hope gone. That prospect is heartbreaking.

For now however I will remain focused and keep fighting every day to get there. I feel like we are warriors and I say that a lot. What we go through and then still function, it takes strength. I feel that even more so since battling every day to loose this weight. I imagine every day I kick its arse….. in the hopes one day soon, I will have achieved my dream. It will all be worth it then.

Mother’s Day Blues.

I have been back and forth on this blog for a few days. Finding the words sometimes, though it may shock some people to know, it’s hard. To articulate something that would be helpful.

What I want to post after 13 years of trying is hope that it gets better and a survival guide. The truth is. I can’t do that. I just can’t.

Sometimes my thick skin gets me by. I don’t hurt and I can even function and celebrate with our mums as it’s their day too. But then some times, like this year, it feels like I want to curl into a little ball and hide in my bed, and just wake up when it’s done. I’m so angry.

The crazy thing is I haven’t ever been so close to our goal of ivf, for the first time I am loosing the weight I need to. Only 24lbs to go!!

We have a day to celebrate those women in our lives that have provided for us, protected us and loved us unconditionally and that is a wonderful thing. The sting for women like me is that I could do that. I would love our children. Protect them. Provide for them. The cruel twist of fate preventing that, the weight of the lost heartbeats that I carried within me, it stings. It more than stings. Some times it cripples me.

I know not everyone will get it. How could they. It’s just one day, for some a silly hallmark moment to cost us money. To me it’s more than that. It’s a celebration of how truly amazing women are. We create life with our partners, life created out of love (mainly :-/) it feels like a moment to reflect on how much I feel like I’m failing. How incredibly broken I am no matter how big my smile is.

How very empty my arms are, where my babies should be. Like an incomplete jigsaw.

No hand made cards from school, no flowers, no breakfast in bed made by giggling children.

For a lot of the year I can focus on what we do have. There will always be tough moments. But this one day. A day just for mother’s. I’m not OK.

I wish more than anything I could find the words to comfort those of you out there struggling with this day too. All I can do is tell you that you aren’t alone. As I always. I’m here walking with you.

If on Sunday you have a moment where you can’t cope, you want to cry, that ever present lump causing the familiar ache in the back of your throat, I’m standing with you. I’m shedding tears for us too.

I hope that you have family or friends around you for comfort, that even if they can’t know how you feel they can lend a shoulder or a hug to share that burden if only for a moment.

I hope that some of you can find a peace and get through the day however you need to. Even if it means ignoring it all together.

More than anything…. I hope for all of us. It’s our last one in pain. I wish that more than anything.

Sending love and hugs to you all ❀️❀️❀️

Kindness is always better than hate.

A slightly off topic blog but relevant for me.

My life has had it’s up and downs just as anyone’s. I deal with the downs by reminding myself how far I have come and how each of those downs has made me grow stronger as a person.

One thing that I can never and will never understand is the need to be negative and down right nasty about other people, people that sometimes we don’t even know.

We have only to look at the comments feeds online, the many many judgemental and awful comments on events and people that you don’t know. For so many the automatic reaction is one of hate.

I was raised to be accepting of everyone. That how someone looks or who they love is nothing to do with the sort of person they are it’s merely a part of them, there is so much more to learn about a person, give each one a chance. So I haven’t ever understood how people can hate so passionately someone they do not know.

I have experienced this myself. People that don’t know me that feel it’s ok to be nasty, to try to cause trouble. To find issues where there are none. I would find myself being dragged into the negative and disliking them back. But I am wrong for that. I refuse to change who I am for a small number of people who the issue is with them in some way. An insecurity or something lacking perhaps? I don’t know.

One of the hardest things to learn is life is that you can’t control what people think about you, you can’t change the words they use. I have tried, when the injustice of a homophobic or racist remark or joke burned me to anger. To make them see you are wrong. The bitchy comments about that pretty girl who has done nothing wrong except be beautiful. The odd ball that danced in the street not caring who was looking being ridiculed. Any horrible comment I would try to change the point of view of the person saying it.

I can’t control what they say about me or others. I can control how I react to it. There are things in life that I don’t like or may not agree with of cause. None of them have anything to do with things that someone can’t control. As I look around me I don’t have a bad thing to say about anyone. When I look at those saying the bad things about me, they have a lot of bad things to say about many around them.

What I don’t understand is why can’t people just focus on kindness. If every day when you felt a negative or bitchy comment coming you change it to a positive. I guarantee you would feel better. Less angry.

On this journey of trying to become parents, 13 years is a long time to build up resentment and anger at the world. It could turn us bitter and resentful. Am I jealous of someone’s beautiful bump or bundle of joy? Of cause. But I don’t know what that family have been through to get there, and even if they were lucky to get pregnant right away is that their fault? No. Should I be angry at them? Nope. I try and be happy for them but it’s ok to be sad for us too, but not angry at them.

I despair sometimes reading social media and the news, even real life around me. The world was not helped with more hate. Hate doesn’t solve any issues. Hating someone you don’t know based on something they can’t help, or even if it’s a trait they could help, why would you waste energy on negativity. We need more love, more compassion, more communication and understanding.

I can’t change that sadly. But as I said I can change how I think and act. I can choose not to listen to the hate and focus on the good. Maybe if enough of us did that it would become difficult for hate to find a voice.

It’s OK not to be OK….

***IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A SUNSHINE MOTIVATIONAL BLOG … perhaps skip this one 😁😁***

Christmas was a little tough. I’m struggling. Mentally I struggle a little anyway over such a family focused moment in time, because of cause I do wonder what it would be like if our babies had made it. But this time it was the other side to infertility that spoilt it for me. The physical side effects, and the last two months it’s been the worst! No break from the pain.

I am so tired of brave facing it.

I am on the whole a glass half full sort of person but recently my glass is most definitely empty.

I personally have never suffered from depression. I have a few people in my life that do, so I don’t feel embarrassed to share that I am struggling. It’s important to talk about, I my case I turn to what’s always helped me process things, my writing (however bad it is lol).

How do you pick yourself up when you are so low that even getting up and getting dressed is a struggle? The pain I’m in at the moment is constant and I am so fed up with it that it IS effecting me mental health. I would be happy if I could live in a bubble of Netflix, a good book and my duvet! I can’t obviously.

I’m not sharing this with you guys so that I get the “ahh poor you’s” I don’t need that, but because I know that I’m not alone and I feel like I need to let it out. There are so many off us suffering through the side effects of having these long term fertility issues and I know a lot of you like me find themselves having to justify and explain how bad it is and why you are struggling, that it’s more than just a normal monthly. Those social events missed or going out doing anything. The guilt of letting people down again. But now, I am more than just feeling guilty. I’m actually angry.

I just feel pissed off that not only is it preventing me from giving my husband a family, but it effects every area of my life!! I never know how I will be able to cope with going out, shopping, meals, traveling, etc because of the pain or if I can leave the bathroom floor!! I always have to check dates and hope for the best.

The pain this time started mid November and it’s still going thanks to some complications that I won’t bore you with and a lovely new cyst!!

This weekend for example I spent on the couch because anytime I stood up right I had incredible shooting pains from the tops of my legs to my jaw, every time I moved it had to be a calculated cautious one, timidly feeling how bad the pain was going to be when I did straighten up to then just get to the toilet or kitchen etc.

There are so many horrible and worse illnesses out there I know and when I am feeling moany I try to give myself a shake and then generally feel guilty for being a wuss.

Some times it’s easier to get back up and continue at 100% effort. Other times I just can’t and the pain is relentless, for the last two months especially there has not been a day passed that I haven’t had to stop what I am doing hold my breath and try not to cry out in pain. I so fucking sick of it. The last two months have been bad but this isn’t the first bad stint, ever since my very first AF (Aunt Flow) at 10 years old the pain some months has floored me.

Currently I’m at “well I’m awake and dressed what more do you want” level of effort. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

What makes this worse for me is that I continue regularly to go thru this pain, a regular cycle that should have brought us a baby and still my arms are empty and feels like it’s punishing me further by making them so hard to deal with. The crushing disappointment of another failed month followed by terrible pain and sickness. It makes me so resentful I could scream!!

After all these years we are so close to the final phase of treatment. I have 27lbs to loose to have IVF. But I have never felt so fed up with it all. I’m slowing rolling back round to the “why us” way of thinking. WHY US?! Why do we have to go thru this. Isn’t 13 years enough already of this!?

Yes. I realise this is like a blog tantrum. And no I do not care. 😁

If anyone needs me I am under the covers with chocolate ….. oh no wait…. I have to work and I’m loosing weight….. FML!!

Feeling The Loss of Our Babies…

For those who know me in the real world. They don’t see a lot of the pain I feel. I’m sure reading these blogs offers a shocking insight into how I’m really feeling when they may have seen me that day smiling and getting on with things.

Behind the smile of a lot of couples dealing with infertility is pain carried silently. There are tears shed in private and never shared with the world around them because it can’t often be articulated. The words just sometimes won’t come out.

The last few weeks I have been struggling. I’m having some health issues which are side effects from the PCOS meaning I am in a great deal of pain at the moment and I’m exhausted. So because I’m so tired I feel terribly low.

My whole family is also struggling with a loss. I mention my cousin a lot here, he was my little bro really. We miss him so much. Loosing him and our babies are the only time I really can say I understand “heartbreak” as in my heart feels like it’s actually painfully broken. We lost him in early January 2016 so the Christmas period was just awful and now it’s a reminder of that as hard as we try to “Get on with it”

I’m sure this is why I am struggling with our babies too. Normally I am quite good at packing those feelings away in a box and leaving them there. I don’t dwell. If I did I wouldn’t never get out of bed. But right now any moment that I’m quiet or alone, my brain is taking those memories out and parading them around. Not just the memories of the experience of actually loosing them but the “what ifs” that often are a side effect of this time of year.

Unlived lives of our little ones plague my dreams and make it impossible to get back to sleep. The excited moments leading to the arrival of the big man, the joy and overwhelming love watching your children revel in all the wonderful moments of the season. I can imagine those things. I can almost see our life with our children. Instead I’m just ….. empty. The ache from wanting to hold my babies is sometimes overwhelming.

I long for a time when it won’t hurt so much. I’m terrified that it won’t get any better and worse we will never have that child. I don’t think even if we do it will ease the last 13 years. How could it?

So laid here in the dark, I am sharing this with all of you out there who may also be laid in the dark shedding tears you won’t shed in the light of day. Tomorrow I will get up and dress for work. I will take pain killers for the physical pain and I will push down the emotional scars. Like so many others out there.

If you are reading this as someone trying to understand a friend or family member in our position. Just take a look around you at your children. Hug them extra tight. It’s simple really to empathise with us, just understand we feel the love for our unborn babies or the babies we long to have in the same way. We have imagined our lives so often with our children. Our arms are simply empty. All you have to do is be there to hold their hand. No advice needed. They may not tell you about these moments that they are alone and crying but they will be happening. Be careful with your words.

Some of the things said to couples that they have shared with me are thoughtless and even cruel. Try to remember they haven’t asked for this. It’s not as easy as “moving on” they certainly are not being “selfish” if they aren’t able to face baby focussed events that often people ask them to attend for other people. Often assuming we should be the ones to brave these things so they don’t upset family members. They use their brave faces a lot, try to understand and support them when they can’t do it. It’s not selfishness it’s them trying to survive what they are going through.

If you are a couple going through infertility and are often found alone and weeping as I am now. Know you aren’t alone. I can’t promise that we will all get our miracles, but I can promise you that for as long as I can I will share our story to help others understand. To speak for those of us who can’t find the words.

I hope that one day we find peace with it all. That I find a way to never for get my babies but that it won’t be so painful. Is that so much to ask?

Surviving The Holidays With Infertility.

It’s almost impossible to get through this time of year without reflecting on the struggle to become parents. Regardless of it taking one year or like in our case 13 years. It’s painful and sometimes you wonder how you will get through it.

I feel that a certain amount of autopilot happens. The first few years I was still optimistic so we would have the “This time next year! Fingers crossed!!” conversations. As the years passed those conversations are less frequent and in truth because I am getting older I think people just don’t want to bring it up. That’s ok by me.

In the early years there really were some awful moments around the holidays where I felt like taking a holiday from interacting with people. So while I absolutely do not claim to be an expert in anyway, this is my guide to surviving The Holidays.

MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PLENTY OF ALCOHOL!

YOU ARE WELCOME. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

HAHA – only kidding. I actually don’t even drink! But use the advice where applicable lol!

Ok, so DAMAGE CONTROL – When I plan my social diary I look at what things would actually be fun and what things may be a fake smile and awkward conversations event. When it’s the latter, if I had to attend the event but I knew it would come with questions or “advice” I wish I had been more assertive, now I have no problem in saying,

“Can we just skip the baby talk” or “No just relaxing doesn’t help my ovaries don’t work”

Failing that a conversation before the event with the right people to say take the topic off the table completely. I have been known to completely ignore the question and change the subject. 😬😬.

I used to be so bothered by what others thought of how I reacted to things that the fact was I over compensated by being too OK with those conversations. Now if I don’t want to talk about it I just won’t. That’s ok to say nope – sorry not today!

If that’s not possible, or when inevitably the wrong things are said. Take a deep breath, smile and then I have a diary that’s full of rants that make me feel so much better – it’s now called my blog πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Preparing myself with what I may say definitely helps. I’m less likely to ramble or be caught in a day dream of head butting the person who upset me.

BE A LITTLE SELFISH: Putting the rest of the world before yourself – Don’t you find that you do this a lot? Why isn’t it OK to just skip it if you don’t want to do something. You cant do that all the time I know, but how many events do we do that we really wish we didn’t have to. I just sometimes want the two of us in a bubble no reminders of our issues, that’s just what you need to gain strength to continue on. Taking some time just the two of you is perfectly OK.

BE HAPPY: Find the happy in your life – So OK, another year has passed and we still have no baby. But what else has happened in my year that was amazing. I might not be attending nativity’s and school plays, or going on Santa trains but I have awesome days with my husband and fur babies, enjoying the season and there are lots of other fun things to do. Plan some things in that don’t involve “what if we had kids” moments. Even if we do something family orientated I can guarantee Ben and I are the biggest kids there anyway!! Don’t miss the now of it all because you are always thinking about the future. Live it now!!

LAUGH AND LET IT OUT – If it’s a night out (or even in) with friends. An activity that you enjoy. Plan something fun, find something to make you laugh! Find someone you can talk to and rant out the things that may have upset you. Almost like your Infertility sponsor!

HUGS – now I am NOT a hugger. My family and friends will tell you I pretty much avoid it at all costs! But a hug when I am low from my hubby or my Mam is pretty much the best medicine.

BE HONEST – if the thought of an upcoming event is causing you anxiety talk to someone about it. If you have to go at least having someone around you know it’s hard for you will help. Don’t feel like you have to shoulder it alone.

FINALLY BE KIND TO YOURSELF – Do you know how many times I have told myself I am useless, that I am a mess, a failure that my husband could do so much better and should?! That inner voice is a bitch! Instead of letting her say those things now I tell myself. I am a warrior. My heart has been made mince meat and I am still standing. My marriage has endured some of the worse pains you can go through and we are stronger than ever. I put my brave face on everyday some days while in terrible pain and get on with it. We are so strong. That’s what you need to remind yourself every day!!

I know better than most after 13 years of wanting, this time of year will have its hard moments for you. The biggest thing I can share with you all is that I know how you are feeling. You aren’t alone. I know how it feels to be surrounded by people and feel empty and quite alone. It has gotten easier for me over the years. I have learned to cope. I have found a way to be happy again and when I can’t be happy I allow myself to feel sad, to stop trying to fake it as much. I know it may feel like you can’t face it, but look how much strength you have so far. Never loose hope.

One day you just never know ……❀️❀️❀️⭐️⭐️

I hope that you do have the best Christmas that you can. I wish you all a very happy and healthy New Year 2018. May all our dreams come true. ❀️🌟❀️

When Does It Get Better?

I put a brave face on a lot of the time.

I pretend I am OK in the hopes that one day I may actually be OK.

The rest of the world can’t stop moving around me just because we can’t have children and I wouldn’t want it to. There are still moments however that sting, that I have to hold my breath and wait for the aching lump in my throat to pass before I can talk. Those moments are getting less frequent but they still hurt. It could be something someone says, an anniversary of a due date, a crazy month of possibility that I have given into the crazy symptom watching and pregnancy test, negative of cause. The following shame that I allowed myself to be swept up in the possibility, in the hope.

Time heals, so they say. First of all who’s they? Second of all “they” haven’t felt grief deeply if they believe this to be true. The passing of time doesn’t heal, we simply learn to live with it. But I do wonder.

Does it get better?

I don’t want to live with this ache, the empty incomplete pain for the rest of my life. I want to be able to move forward and heal. I just don’t think I can do that without trying everything. When we have tried everything if my arms are still empty, I have no idea how to begin to be OK with that.

My life is full of love, this is true. I am blessed in so many ways. I want to be content with this. I want for that to be enough. But still ….. always lurking ….. always waiting, this ache. The feeling that my heart is so broken it can’t be repaired. I don’t want to just “get on with it, just move on” I feel like that’s letting go of my babies. I can’t do that.

This blog, my pages, you beautiful people that take the time to read my rambling thoughts. You are the best thing to come from this pain. To feel that we aren’t alone, that you get it. It helps so much.

I am not ashamed anymore of my body failing me, I feel like we are freaking warriors. Fighting every day to get our family’s. Fighting for that moment that our arms are no longer empty.

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