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The Childless Mother

Dealing with infertility and finding happiness

Introduction

For many years I have found writing to be a therapeutic tool. When I tried to process some of the most dark moments of my life putting pen to paper seemed to help in the way a pensieve does in the Harry Potter books. Carefully pulling the threads of dark thoughts and heart break out of my busy head and keeping them safe between the pages of my diaries. Blogging seemed like a natural progression from diary to internet.

I am by no means a professional writer and in truth a lot of what I have done was for me, that was until I started to share the story of our losing our babies. So many other women have since reached out to me that I finally feel like the last 12 years of heart break may have some meaning. I decided to separate my blogs and create one for our journey to become parents.

I hope you will find some comfort from our stories, I will share with you various stages of our journey as well as ways in which I have dealt with those awkward family moments.

To start this site I will give you a summary of who I am. I am 36 and I have been with my husband for nearly 14 years. I have PCOS and we have suffered multiple losses at very early stages of pregnancy. My life over the last 12 years has been consumed with baby making, I have felt broken and useless and totally alone. I have only recently started to pull myself together and acknowledge a future without children.

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The Last Stone Blogs: from zero to hero …. or not.

I have never been a fan of exercise. I don’t get the enjoyment that many do, the exception perhaps is jogging. I do not mind this so much.

So now imagine if you will the most sedentary person ever, desk job, drives everywhere, has a gym membership for no reason at all because she never goes. This is me. I had a desk job that I loved, I sold advertising space. I get such a buzz from the chase of a sale and closing that deal is awesome. Since loosing Gavin my cousin however it’s become almost impossible to find that passion. I have plodded to say the least. I needed a change.

It has taken a serious car accident for me to take a good look at my life. To see why I was feeling so desperately unhappy and sadly I concluded this job that I loved was perhaps it. For various reasons I won’t bore you with but I knew I had to change.

We made the decision for me to go into business myself. With the help of my husband who has worked in the blind industry for over 15 years, I have picked up a thing or two. I love interior design. I love to create beautiful spaces it seemed only natural to take my artist skills and put them into our business. To make money for us rather than a large company.

I have gone from a slow moving desk job to a physical manual labour role. As part of our business we fit blinds for commercial outlets. Which means I have to work on building sites regularly. I do this as a labourer. It’s a drastic but welcome change!!

These changes to our life mean we have to question the choice of continuing to try for children right now. Financially it would be crazy now we are down to one wage effectively until my business builds. My brain tells me that’s the sensible choice. My heart does not agree and I am struggling with letting that go right now.

The increase in activity and new routine means I am having a hard time sticking to plan. Finding the balance will be hard and so for the moment I am just looking to protect the loss I have so far. I need to look at nutrition and the best food to fuel my body to cope with the physical work I will now need to do as well as build strength. That will have an impact on my losses.

I will continue to weigh in of cause but I need to accept it might not show me what I want for a little while at least.

Starting a business is terrifying. I don’t know if it will work. I do know I will work harder than anymore to make it stand a good chance. It’s already off to an amazing start.

I just now need to figure out how to go from zero to hero for fitness. Wish me luck. 😂😂😂😂

What next?

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. There wasn’t a time limit on it, I didn’t think by this age I will be a mum. I just knew I wanted to get married and have a child. Old fashioned? Maybe. I wanted a career and to travel etc of cause, but it was like motherhood was written through me like a stick of rock. A background noise to future decisions.

I could imagine my life with my husband and children. A happy one. I visualised it so often that I convinced myself that it would happen. It was going to be tough, I didn’t understand why I was being tested like this, but it would happen. One day I would be sat holding my child grateful and all the pain and struggle would be worth it as I gaze down at my beautiful baby.

Sometimes these things do not go to plan. Now in my mid thirties I am left wondering when do I let go of the life I imagined and start to embrace a different one? As time passes the ache grows, but also it’s changing.

I have tried over the years to move on, I have done many wonderful things that we wouldn’t perhaps have been able to do if we had children, but every long term plan was hindered slightly by the hope….. if I am pregnant by that time what will we do.

In a way I feel like certainly the last 10 years have been lived around this “what if” some decisions perhaps put off, plans rearranged. I wonder how long I will continue to do this before I accept it isn’t happening and make a new plan.

The truth is that I just can not imagine a future without children, the more it becomes a reality it’s hard to let go of the life I have imagined since I was a little girl. It’s like letting that part of me die. I’m grieving.

Until recently I have plodded along almost zombie like. You work pay bills and do a few holidays and all the while hoping that this time next year I would have our child. I would finally feel complete and not like a puzzle with a missing piece.

I don’t believe a woman’s worth is just in having children of cause, I see lots of wonderful, beautiful strong women in this world getting along fantastically and childfree by choice. Happy. I want to be one of them but something in me just can not let go.

I used to wonder was it just that growing up the world around me told me thats what I should be doing. Was that the reason I even wanted to have children? The older I am the more I know this isn’t true. Somewhere deep inside me there is just an ache, a desperate need to nurture and raise a child.

The independent woman in me gets angry that I feel so directionless now that I haven’t fulfilled that dream. I want to scream and slap myself. I have so much to be grateful for why can’t I just let this one thing go and move on??

How do I even do that. MOVE ON.

A Moment For My Husband.

I am an open book.

I share myself because it helps me and I have friends and family all over the world online that support us. My blog started as a diary to help me through the infertility journey, I didn’t expect to reach so many with it.

Some people don’t understand the enthusiasm to share, they are perhaps very private people. I respect that. I am not that person, it didn’t help me to keep it to myself.

I have always been a heart on my sleeve type person. I trust probably too easily even though I have been burnt by that, by people who would choose to use your vulnerability against you. I still won’t change. It started because I just wanted the painful thoughts to go through me and out into the world. I continue because people sharing our pain gain comfort in my words and knowing they aren’t alone. I’m proud of that. I am protective of our community.

My husband supports me no matter what, though he is someone that shares very little. His circle is small and if you are in it you are lucky. He’s incredibly kind hearted, funny, supportive and just my best friend. I know that’s a sappy over used phrase, but it’s the truth. We have been together over 15 years and he still makes my stomach flip.

Those of you on this journey will know it’s hard on your relationship. My husband wasn’t someone who wanted kids desperately, he was happy if it was us two or if we make it to a three (maybe four) well he would be happy too. So I haven’t ever felt pressured massively. I have felt guilt, of cause, because he won’t have a child because I can’t give him that and believe me when I say he would make an amazing father.

Both of us were raised by awesome women, our dads left us young. You would think that would scare him off being a father himself but it doesn’t. The close relationship with his mother moulded him into the wonderful man he is today. He would be a great dad, our kids would be so lucky. He’s kinda cool. Don’t tell him I said that lol.

The focus when couples go through this is often on the woman, perhaps because on the whole we will share how it is effecting us a little more. I found as I have written before, when I miscarried our babies everyone rallied around me I was bearing the physical pain as well as the mental but he felt it too. Maybe even worse because he could only watch helplessly. Comforting someone you love that much, falling apart in front of you is a horrible position to be in. It’s hard to know how to help. People often don’t know what to say to him, maybe they worry he won’t want to talk, maybe they would be right. He will often say “I’m fine!” When I know he’s not.

I always know how lucky I am. I remind myself everyday. We are a team. Together we can face anything. We have had some trying moments, particularly over the last two years. All of that came crashing around me the last month. I feel like he has literally picked me up and put me on his back to keep us going. I can’t ever thank him enough for that. I haven’t felt able to face to world, it feels like he’s protecting me from it, even though the big changes we are experiencing are terrifying. He probably would just like to give me a shake. He hasn’t he has just been there for me.

Infertility can take so much from you. It’s so important to acknowledge and appreciate the good things. Just be thankful for what you do have. Today I wanted show that to him, to just take a moment to say we are a team and I couldn’t be more proud of what we have. Life’s very short, I would feel sad if when I look back at this time all I could think about was the struggle and pain. There has to be more. It might not be the life we imagined but it’s ours and It’s still wonderful. ❤️❤️

The Last Stone Blogs : 13 years trying to be a mother.

There is something kind of hopeless, sitting in a doctors office and being told they won’t help you anymore.

Back in 2010, we had a follow up appointment after the last of the Chlomid (a drug that stimulates your ovaries and helps ovulation) hadn’t worked, or should I say it had a little but we sadly lost the pregnancy early on.

I have spoken many times of the desperate ache to be a mother, that feeling of being slightly incomplete. That something is missing. It’s always with you no matter what the outside world may think. So when I was told that my weight would stop any further treatment, I felt like I was at rock bottom looking up at a mountain. They handed me a sheet of GI pointed foods and told me to eat from the bottom end of the scale and then sent me away.

I remember smiling and telling my husband I would do it. I would get the weight off. But in side ….. my heart was breaking.

Unless you have been in my shoes, unless you know the complete desperation of wanting something so bad but feeling like it just would be impossible. You can’t know. Especially when the nurses were telling me,

“You need to loose this weight but it’s going to seem impossible because you have PCOS”

Thanks for that. If I didn’t already feel like I had a mountain to climb that just made it worse. How could I ever do this?

For those reading who aren’t the person needing to loose weight. You need to know. YES it’s a great incentive, YES ITS A great reason but knowing that only makes the pressure so much worse. Especially when you try so hard and the weight doesn’t move.

I already felt like a failure as a woman. I couldn’t do the one thing that should be easy, that some people are trying to prevent. That I have actually been trying to prevent until meeting my now husband. Adding my weight to the problem I just felt so low, so useless. Also the issue of it actually being so difficult with having PCOS I just felt lost.

Then I felt angry, WHY ME? WHY US?? Why is it I have to do all of this when I see beautiful big women pregnant around me. Is it not enough that we have been through what we already have. It’s the first time in my life, I wanted to give up!! I needed a break. I needed to not feel like I was letting everyone down.

A couple of years passed but the ache for children didn’t go. I knew it was time. I started with small changes at first. More water, less processed foods. The weight to my surprise started to go.

I was 20st 13lbs the first time I stepped on the scales in Derby Hospital. Within a couple of years I was three stone down.

We decided to move areas, back to my home town in the North East of England, a fresh start. So my weight loss was put on the back burner. We went on some amazing holidays. I love to travel.

Then came more heartbreak when I lost my cousin in 2016. We had often talked about loosing weight when he was better. So when he was taken from us I felt like I needed to do it for both of us. It took a little while to get there but in 2017 I went back to Slimming World after a beach holiday where I just felt huge.

I was 18st 7.5lbs less than the fertility doc weight but still bad. Even sitting in my first class I had already thought about probably failing. It was half hearted because I didn’t trust myself. But I was wrong. I underrated how strong I could be. In my first week I lost 11lbs!! I simply followed the plan.

I wish I had the magic wand to share with you why it’s worked this time. The truth is I really wanted it, I didn’t look too far ahead and just took it meal by meal to start with. One of the biggest changes this time is that I am kind to myself. If I have a slip, as I still do all the time, I get back on plan from my next meal. I don’t wait. I just get right back up!! Keep going. Keep fighting!!

I’m 61lbs down now, I am into the last stone to hit that IVF weight. That miserable woman sat in that doctors office in 2010 wouldn’t ever believe this. I owe it to her to keep going.

I am going to diary the last stone however long that takes. I hope that it helps others out there no matter where you are on your journey.

Be kind to yourself. Plan and prepare for your weeks ahead I do a meal plan each week which I will share over the blogs coming up. But mainly. NEVER GIVE UP FIGHTING.

Be Strong, Be Brave, Keep Going…….until you can’t.

So it’s been a little while since I have posted anywhere. You guys have been a big part of my support network for so long that I feel I need to post this.

I talk about how strong we are, how like warriors we are to take the hits and keep on going and I truly believe this, but recently I also believe there is a time to admit that you are drowning. To admit that you can’t be strong anymore.

Regular readers and followers to my blog and pages will know it’s been a rough couple of years. Starting with my cousin being diagnosed with Leukaemia and his battle for a year that saw it sadly return and take him from us. Within that time I lost a pregnancy, I thought I grieved picked myself back up and carried on.

When Gavin passed away wrapped in all our families love, I thought my heart would never stop hurting. It hasn’t yet time just moves on that’s all. I worked in a high pressure sales environment and while they were brilliant I felt the pressure to get back so in all I took four days to grieve. Four days off to wallow in the loss of someone I loved like a little brother. I kept going and kept strong.

The cracks started to show quickly looking back, my brain didn’t handle situations too well.

Since loosing our baby and then Gavin, seems like there has been layer upon layer of stress and problems. Then my husband had a motorbike accident. He’s self employed too so there was financial worry at that time.

I reminded myself how strong we were, to keep going.

The cracks turning to complete breakdown were there I just didn’t acknowledge them. I am strong I can keep going. I kept saying, “I’m fine thanks!”

It’s only when we are forced to stand still, to reflect the seams really started to fall apart. I was involved in a bad car accident two months ago. Again in my head I thought I was fine, physically the injuries seemed superficial at the moments after but quickly became clear I was more injured than I thought, because I didn’t break anything I thought I was fine, I was not.

The pain grew quickly, my whole body was agony, I was black and blue and I started a very slow recovery. Within a few days of reflection I started to realise something wasn’t right. My brain was stuttering almost, I would loose conversations mid way and drift off. I relived the moments of impact and the aftermath over and over. I spent a lot of time in tears, not just a little but massive sobbing fits.

Sleeping is a problem. Leading to hours of staring at my iPad frustrated and tired but not able to sleep. The bad dreams have been vivid. Not just about the crash but everything, the last moments with my cousin, the last time we talked, of him holding my baby telling me he’s taking care of them. It feels like my brain just hasn’t shut off. It’s like the crash has cracked open the box I shut all my stress and grief in. I’m drowning in it.

Just as there is a taboo about infertility so there is with mental health still even with all of the amazing work being done. The stiff upper lip and carry on attitude or worse those who think you should just give your head a shake and get on with it. There are also those who will take advantage of that, for no other reason than to be unkind and enjoy the drama of it. Equally there are those who get it and will show you so much love and compassion.

Admitting that I’m not ok wasn’t easy. I haven’t ever suffered with depression or anxiety but right now it takes so much strength to get out of the house and driving is a massive problem. I hate it.

There are physical effects of it. I feel ill.

I believe we are warriors. But putting that big smile on and big personality and facing the world month after month, failed cycle after failed cycle, other pregnancies around you, drowning in the pain of not being a mother, of feeling aimless now that the future you envisioned is gone. I also believe it shows strength to admit you are not “Fine” that you need help.

There’s only so long that the pressure cooker will cook for before it explodes. It’s ok to admit you are not feeling like a warrior sometimes, because that takes strength too. It’s ok to ask for help. To take some time to process the events that have unsettled your life.

I’m working on getting better physically as well as mentally now. Talking about how bad I am feeling has helped. If you feel like that too please find someone to confide in. Don’t do what I have done. You can’t be strong for everyone else all of the time. Take care of yourself, but most of all be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can. No one can ask more of you. ❤️❤️

A Picture Tells a Thousand Tales.

Do you ever look at a photo and it instantly takes you back to that time. To how you felt. To what was happening around you.

The picture with this article was of my husband and I after I lost a pregnancy. We went for a walk around our little village shortly after. The picture kills me now to look at because I see the hurt and pain in my eyes.

The desperation. The absolute and complete certainty that all hope was lost. That we would never be parents that my arms would be empty forever. That my heart would always be a little bit broken.

Three years on from this and I am healing. The ache from wanting children is still there but you do find a way of living with it. By looking around you. By seeing what good is in your life. For me that’s my wonderful husband, my mother, family and completely amazing friends. There is a lot to be thankful for.

I remember being in the thick of desperately wanting a child. It consumed my life and I would only ever read success stories. Those who had managed to finally get their bundle of joy. I wondered where were my fellow Childless / childfree people?. Today it’s different. So many wonderful women write about being Childless and do a lot to support us. I am thankful for them too “A Birds Eye View” is a personal favourite.

I do not know if I will ever be a mother. Does that hurt still. Of cause

I do know I will still be a worthwhile human being, I will still contribute to the world.

I think we make the rest of the world a little uncomfortable because we don’t fit the standard. Especially those people who are Childless by choice. But we fit perfectly into our world. We matter. A life can be full and happy even if you ache for something you can’t have or have decided it’s not for you.

I will always be reminded at times of that little break in my heart. It will always sting. But I am determined to not wallow. To be able to look back and feel like I didn’t spend all this time so consumed by baby making that no other happiness could break through my grief.

I look for moments that are quiet. That I can turn my face up to the sun (when it’s out) and say,

“Thank you for the life I have. It’s pretty great.”

❤️❤️

Why do I Feel Lonely?

Anyone can feel totally alone when they are surrounded by people that love them. It’s a weird place to be, that you can’t find the words to reach those people to say you are struggling.

As you all know, I have no problem finding the words and my blog and you lovely readers have helped me more than I could ever say. But even I have my moments of loneliness.

One of the difficult things to navigate around when you are gradually getting older and still childless is where you fit in. Life doesn’t really have an acceptable box for the childless over a certain age. It’s easier for some people if you follow the guidelines expected or if you can’t, that you keep it to yourself and pretend to fit the idea of normal. That’s something I was never going to be “Normal” … urgh … I hate that word!!

As more and more of our friends get their bundles of joy. We celebrate with them and then watch on with a certain amount of jealousy as their lives are filled with their children and as they grow their children’s activities, they are amerced into school social calendars and PTA events and activities and I just can’t relate to any of that.

It leaves me sometimes feeling like I am on a island alone.

Now don’t get me wrong, even if our miracle happens and we get to do all of that stuff, I would be the furthest from a PTA mum. Think more Bad Moms. Our kid would be riding to school on the back of a Harley and probably frightening other kids with discussions on how we have talked about surviving a zombie apocalypse. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s just going to happen nothing we can do about that!! But at least I would get it.

It feels lonely at times sitting in a room of mums discussing Easter holiday plans, days out and what they need to get ready for the kids entertainment etc. It’s lonely because you have nothing to say at these times, or at least that’s how I feel. What am I going to say?

“We bought Jackson a huge Easter egg. He just loved it, we have booked them on a Easter egg hunt too!” 😕😕

Jackson’s one of our dogs …. he would love an Easter egg/ hunt even though it would prob make him sick. He’s a nutter like that 🤷🏻‍♀️😂.

Kids parties are another example. Friends get together to celebrate with other friends that have kids so they can have a play date. They don’t often invite the childless couple, because they aren’t sure if you would be upsetting or even if they would want to go. It’s another walking on egg shell moment.

I remember once being sat at my best friends house for some kind of product party and I was the only childless person there. The conversation understandably was kid, kids and more kids and then the expected “how many do you have?” (as I didn’t know many people there) followed by the awkward ….. I can’t have kids moment.

I had nothing to say or what I did was polite nonsense. I remember feeling like I was watching the rest of them from a different room, so separate. So you avoid these moments where you can. It’s just easier for everyone.

I know that I have to try, to find common ground but it doesn’t change the feeling of being alone.

It doesn’t mean I am not supported or that we aren’t supported. At this point I think my best friend and our families actually want us to have a child as much as we do probably more in my Besties case 😂😂🙈🙈.

Learning to adjust to the idea of a life without children is hard, learning to not separate myself is something I work hard on all the time.

If someone is struggling in your life, perhaps cancelling events and changing plans. Give them time. Try not to be angry with them. I can be sure they aren’t doing it to be horrible. They are most likely just trying to find a way through this horrible maze of feelings. To try to survive it the best way they can.

It’s an on going struggle, we are constantly working at being able to fit in when we don’t fit the norm. I never, ever imagined a life where I wouldn’t have kids. I don’t know how that looks even though I am living it. It feels sometimes like I’m treading water just to keep my head up.

Accepting a new sort of future takes time. I still haven’t lost hope. So that’s got to be something to cling to. Hope.

One day soon it’s just got to get better, right??

❤️❤️

PCOS Girl vs Her Weight Loss Mountain.

About six years into our journey to becoming parents, I knew my weight would be a problem. It might even prevent us from being able to move forward with treatment.

When the Chlomid didn’t work and the other options were drying up. I had to face the fact it was time that I did something.

For years my weight had acted as a comforter, a layer of protection against the hurt I was feeling. With each baby lost, ripped from my body I took comfort in what I always had, food. As I did this layer upon layer went onto my body, like a physical badge of the pain I was feeling.

As I have written before, I was always a chubby kid. I was teased for it when I was young and in truth I did learn to toughen up about it. One day on my way back from college, I was probably 17 and not wearing very flattering jeans when a young boy asked if I would like his seat in my condition. He thought I was pregnant. I was so embarrassed I took the seat and thanked him. How do I tell someone. “No I’m just fat.” 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I then met my now husband and our happiness turned to contentment and with that came eating, a lot of eating. The weight crept up and up but I didn’t see it. It was only standing in the fertility doctors office on those scales that would dictate what treatment I could have, as I stood there and the nurse told me I weighed iover 20st. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole.

The doctor then told me to get any further treatment. I would need to be below 30 bmi that’s 13st 3lbs for me. It felt like a mountain. When he added that it would prove to be difficult with the severity of my PCOS, I just felt like he told me I would almost certainly fail and that little voice that is often there telling me I can’t do something. Well she all out laughed at the idea of me trying to diet.

I made a good start but as promised it got difficult. Very difficult. I started to convince myself that it just wasn’t meant to be. I would find myself finding comfort in food and on went the cycle. On and on and on.

I wish I could bottle what’s been different this time. I would share it for free with anyone that needs it. I still remember the suffocating desperation, the urge to lose the weight but feeling like I couldn’t do it. My food cravings would always get the better of me. I could never imagine living without certain foods and if I tried I would think none stop of all the things I couldn’t have.

I heard so many times,

“Well if you really want it you will loose the weight”

The fact is if my body worked as others did that’s true but it’s soul destroying to give it your all, to deny yourself things you love to achieve that goal and then to lose nothing or even gain. The eyes in group on you like “she must be cheating!” I wasn’t.

I gave up frustrated. Resigned myself to the fact that I couldn’t get the weight off. That no one wanted to help me.

In May 2017 my husband and I went on another amazing holiday to New York (my favourite place) and then on to Dominican Republic (I also love it there). I felt frumpy and unattractive. I hated being by the pool. I decided when I got back….enough was enough. It was time to change.

I went to see my doctor and let it all out. I cried so much that I was hiccuping by the end of the appointment. She was the first doctor that really listened. I felt she was with me and really wanted to help, she herself had lost weight recently and she understood how hard it was for me. She also offered me Olistat. I knew about the drug and it’s side effects …. google them they aren’t pleasant. But I was desperate. The drug stopped my body absorbing some of the fats in the food.

With prescription in hand and a renewed motivation I stepped into my Slimming World class, it’s not the first or even second time I had joined and even a small bit of me thought;

“Oh here we go again!” 🙄🙄

The first week I lost 11lbs. I was amazed. I followed the plan perfectly. Trusted in it and it provided a truly awesome loss. That motivated me into the second week and on. Between the plan and the tablets I have lost 49.5lbs and 24lbs away from my ivf goal. I had lost all hope of ever getting here, it made me feel so terribly guilty and sad that it was me standing in my own way. Now I feel hope again.

I don’t have a magic wand, the tablets aren’t miracle workers you can still gain but I feel they have me at a even chance like anyone else now. It’s still hard, so hard on days when I still want to comfort eat.

The amazing thing for me is that as time is going on, food is becoming less important. Where before I would be thinking about food most of my day, now I just think about what will take the hunger away quickly and what will help towards my next weeks loss.

Do I still have bad meals/ days. OF CAUSE!! I’m still that chubby girl inside and I still love food. The biggest change for me this time is that I forgive and forget the slips right away, from the next meal. I don’t let it drag on or punish myself by trying to skip meals, that ultimately would lead to more bad choices because I was so hungry.

I’m a little kinder to myself now. It’s ok not to be perfect and I try to not compare myself to other people.

I guess there are a lot of weight loss stories out there much more inspirational than mine, but I wanted to share this. To talk to the person out there crippled by grief, desperate for a family but feeling like they will never loose the weight they need to.

You can do it. Take small steps. Take it one meal at a time. Be kind to yourself. Find support either a group or maybe even some friends that may want to loose some with you.

If you have PCOS and probably find yourself explaining this when the scales don’t reflect the hard work you are putting in. I understand that. It might not show this week but it will show eventually don’t loose hope. Keep fighting.

I hope soon I will be writing a post at target. Ready to start the scary chapter that is IVF. The question mark that has loomed over us for years. Will it work. Part of me thinks I was scared to loose the weight because if it doesn’t work than that is the last of my hope gone. That prospect is heartbreaking.

For now however I will remain focused and keep fighting every day to get there. I feel like we are warriors and I say that a lot. What we go through and then still function, it takes strength. I feel that even more so since battling every day to loose this weight. I imagine every day I kick its arse….. in the hopes one day soon, I will have achieved my dream. It will all be worth it then.

Mother’s Day Blues.

I have been back and forth on this blog for a few days. Finding the words sometimes, though it may shock some people to know, it’s hard. To articulate something that would be helpful.

What I want to post after 13 years of trying is hope that it gets better and a survival guide. The truth is. I can’t do that. I just can’t.

Sometimes my thick skin gets me by. I don’t hurt and I can even function and celebrate with our mums as it’s their day too. But then some times, like this year, it feels like I want to curl into a little ball and hide in my bed, and just wake up when it’s done. I’m so angry.

The crazy thing is I haven’t ever been so close to our goal of ivf, for the first time I am loosing the weight I need to. Only 24lbs to go!!

We have a day to celebrate those women in our lives that have provided for us, protected us and loved us unconditionally and that is a wonderful thing. The sting for women like me is that I could do that. I would love our children. Protect them. Provide for them. The cruel twist of fate preventing that, the weight of the lost heartbeats that I carried within me, it stings. It more than stings. Some times it cripples me.

I know not everyone will get it. How could they. It’s just one day, for some a silly hallmark moment to cost us money. To me it’s more than that. It’s a celebration of how truly amazing women are. We create life with our partners, life created out of love (mainly :-/) it feels like a moment to reflect on how much I feel like I’m failing. How incredibly broken I am no matter how big my smile is.

How very empty my arms are, where my babies should be. Like an incomplete jigsaw.

No hand made cards from school, no flowers, no breakfast in bed made by giggling children.

For a lot of the year I can focus on what we do have. There will always be tough moments. But this one day. A day just for mother’s. I’m not OK.

I wish more than anything I could find the words to comfort those of you out there struggling with this day too. All I can do is tell you that you aren’t alone. As I always. I’m here walking with you.

If on Sunday you have a moment where you can’t cope, you want to cry, that ever present lump causing the familiar ache in the back of your throat, I’m standing with you. I’m shedding tears for us too.

I hope that you have family or friends around you for comfort, that even if they can’t know how you feel they can lend a shoulder or a hug to share that burden if only for a moment.

I hope that some of you can find a peace and get through the day however you need to. Even if it means ignoring it all together.

More than anything…. I hope for all of us. It’s our last one in pain. I wish that more than anything.

Sending love and hugs to you all ❤️❤️❤️

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