I’ve been a little MIA the last few months, I can’t remember the last time I put pen to paper to share properly but it feels like I want to today.
Yesterday was my 40th birthday. The already apocalyptic feel to 2020 coupled with my monthly showing her ugly face on the same day made it interesting to say the least. The irony of my monthly showing on this day was not lost on me.
It’s true to say that if in my 20s that fresh faced Sharron had been told that she would reach 40 and still not have had children, she would have been horrified. What would really have shocked her would have been the knowledge that 40 year old Sharron’s OK with it too.
I still remember the very depths of my grief and need for a family. I still feel it, even now but something has happened this last year.
I have healed. Perfectly? Not at all.
Are there still moments that the pain claws my insides to pieces? Yes. Of cause I do I’m not sure anyone’s heart ever recovers completely from loosing your babies or the desperate ache for a child. What has happened however, is a sort of peace.
I made a decision that enough was enough. That I couldn’t spend the remainder of my days lost in this grief. Ironically it was the strength gained from loosing my little brother that helped. I know no pain could ever rival watching him leave us, and we owe it to him to live while we are here. I could almost here him saying;
“for god sake Sharron, you are still living, Im the one gone so why are you crying about it!!??”
It is of cause a process we all must go through, I know for those of you in the thick of trying will read this and never imagine a time that you would feel ok about it. Some of it has to come from us, but time as clique as it is to say, as frustrating and infuriating as it is to hear, time really is the only healer.
So the big 4-0. I made it where many don’t. I appreciate that. It’s a privilege to get older even if your story isn’t going as planned.
I was surrounded by people that love and care for me. My husband made sure my birthday was a special one. My best friends really are the very best friends a girl could ask for. Even with social distancing they found a way to show me love. I appreciate that so much.
I may not have my own children but my nieces and nephew, my friends children let me know just how loved I am. My goodness how much I love them back.
I remember turning 30 and being consumed with grief at the thought of my fertility going down, here I am 10 years later and that acceptance of time passing has just provided me with a different life. One I probably would never have imagined for myself, but one in which I am happy.
On those days where the wave of grief crashes over me, I will tense my muscles and fight against being pulled under. I will fight like I feel like I have been doing for a very long time. Grief won’t take me. I’m changed of cause, but then aren’t we all?
Life has a way of taking little pieces and knocking you around a little, it toughens you somewhat and moulds you into someone slightly different. What I didn’t expect for me, is that I’m actually starting to really like the person I’ve become. She’s a little hard sometimes, but honestly she’s a warrior.
The new me has clawed her way back up. Has fought as hard as she could. She’s still standing and for that I’m so very proud of myself. If you take one thing from my blogs it’s this. You are strong enough, you are enough full stop. You are a warrior. Just look at you. Amazing. ❤️