I spend so much time in my own head and when you are dealing with infertility and loss, that time can be punishing.

I have never been very good at relaxing, at switching off the outside world and having a little me time. If ever I did, those bad memories and feelings surfaced and it would send me on a downward spiral.

What they don’t tell you when you are trying for children, when it doesn’t go to plan, no one ever sits you down and says how incredibility hard it will be to remain sane.

A wall started to build around me the first time I was told I had lost my baby, a barrier to keep the feelings from really going in. Then when it happened again, the barrier was reinforced to a point that sadly I began to expect it and nothing reached me, like I was looking from the outside in. After many losses I as almost immune to the pain.

The baby I lost in 2015 smashed through any protection I had and finally I lost it, after 12 years of trying for children after all the heartbreak and shattered dreams. My heart felt like it could take no more. I was broken. The ache of my empty arms almost unbearable. How would I ever recover from this, the end. No more. I had, had enough.

The loss that you feel in the days and months following loosing a baby, it isn’t just the loss of the tiny embryo growing, its all of the possibilities that little bean holds. The life you would have had with them. When I finally accepted that it was just not meant to be the hole in my heart, at first, felt like it would consume me. People often talk of heartbreak, of having a broken heart. I never realised just how physical that pain could be.

To move forward I had to look for ways to keep myself going, goals and life achievements. I made changes to my job and how I spent my time. I found ways to relax and start to enjoy life again. I did not want to look at the last 12 years as a waste, more of it shaping me to be a stronger person!

I would encourage anyone in that dark place to find something that makes them feel even a little bit of happiness. For me I focused on the things I could do, that I could enjoy without having a child.

My friend took me on my first spa day, I am going to be honest, up until that point I didn’t think I would enjoy it. Too much time to be still and in my head with those hurtful memories, not a good thing! How wrong I was, it really helped me to relax and start to heal.

Learning to relax was now a focus for me and taking a couple of spa days wasn’t the worst thing in the world! We are so lucky in the North East to have so many lovely places and I am even luckier that I live 30 mins away from one of the best I have ever experienced.

Rockliffe Hall is just outstanding!

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It is everything you would expect from a 5 star hotel and more and I was so impressed I wanted to mention it here on my blog. It isn’t often we can take time out, time is so precious. So when I do take time out to relax I want it to be the best possible time and after Saturday I left feeling amazing, and like I wanted to do it all again Sunday!! lol

Having PCOS I don’t like being touched so having facials and massages is very uncomfortable for me because I am constantly thinking of my wobbly bits and hair growth but I truly felt at ease. The staff are so friendly and really added to the experience of the day.

I had for the first time the hot stone massage, I will never go back to the usual massages! The ambience of the therapy rooms just oozes relaxation from the colours selected to the lighting and smells all contribute to a truly pleasant experience. I was so at ease with my therapist and surroundings I didn’t even think about my issues and almost fell asleep, probably would have if it wasn’t for the cold stones used in between the hot ones!!

There is no better feeling enjoying the relaxing atmosphere around you and not needing to go somewhere or to do something. Just quiet time …..wellllll almost quiet, I was with my best friend and niece so as quiet as we can be! I left in a Spa coma and a conviction that I would return very soon.

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I forgot for a while to take care of myself, I was so focused on the end result I didn’t think about how much of me was sacrificed to get there. You still have to find a way to unwind and enjoy life, even through the roughest moments. Be kinder to yourself. I punished myself for a long time feeling like I was faulty, that I couldn’t do the one thing that women should find the most natural. To conceive and carry a child.

I am not completely healed, will I ever be after so much loss? I don’t know. I do know I will keep trying to be at peace with it, if that takes a lot of spa days at Rockliffe Hall, then who am I to argue?? Maybe I will see you there!!

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