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The Childless Mother

Dealing with infertility and finding happiness

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The Last Stone Blogs : 13 years trying to be a mother.

There is something kind of hopeless, sitting in a doctors office and being told they won’t help you anymore.

Back in 2010, we had a follow up appointment after the last of the Chlomid (a drug that stimulates your ovaries and helps ovulation) hadn’t worked, or should I say it had a little but we sadly lost the pregnancy early on.

I have spoken many times of the desperate ache to be a mother, that feeling of being slightly incomplete. That something is missing. It’s always with you no matter what the outside world may think. So when I was told that my weight would stop any further treatment, I felt like I was at rock bottom looking up at a mountain. They handed me a sheet of GI pointed foods and told me to eat from the bottom end of the scale and then sent me away.

I remember smiling and telling my husband I would do it. I would get the weight off. But in side ….. my heart was breaking.

Unless you have been in my shoes, unless you know the complete desperation of wanting something so bad but feeling like it just would be impossible. You can’t know. Especially when the nurses were telling me,

“You need to loose this weight but it’s going to seem impossible because you have PCOS”

Thanks for that. If I didn’t already feel like I had a mountain to climb that just made it worse. How could I ever do this?

For those reading who aren’t the person needing to loose weight. You need to know. YES it’s a great incentive, YES ITS A great reason but knowing that only makes the pressure so much worse. Especially when you try so hard and the weight doesn’t move.

I already felt like a failure as a woman. I couldn’t do the one thing that should be easy, that some people are trying to prevent. That I have actually been trying to prevent until meeting my now husband. Adding my weight to the problem I just felt so low, so useless. Also the issue of it actually being so difficult with having PCOS I just felt lost.

Then I felt angry, WHY ME? WHY US?? Why is it I have to do all of this when I see beautiful big women pregnant around me. Is it not enough that we have been through what we already have. It’s the first time in my life, I wanted to give up!! I needed a break. I needed to not feel like I was letting everyone down.

A couple of years passed but the ache for children didn’t go. I knew it was time. I started with small changes at first. More water, less processed foods. The weight to my surprise started to go.

I was 20st 13lbs the first time I stepped on the scales in Derby Hospital. Within a couple of years I was three stone down.

We decided to move areas, back to my home town in the North East of England, a fresh start. So my weight loss was put on the back burner. We went on some amazing holidays. I love to travel.

Then came more heartbreak when I lost my cousin in 2016. We had often talked about loosing weight when he was better. So when he was taken from us I felt like I needed to do it for both of us. It took a little while to get there but in 2017 I went back to Slimming World after a beach holiday where I just felt huge.

I was 18st 7.5lbs less than the fertility doc weight but still bad. Even sitting in my first class I had already thought about probably failing. It was half hearted because I didn’t trust myself. But I was wrong. I underrated how strong I could be. In my first week I lost 11lbs!! I simply followed the plan.

I wish I had the magic wand to share with you why it’s worked this time. The truth is I really wanted it, I didn’t look too far ahead and just took it meal by meal to start with. One of the biggest changes this time is that I am kind to myself. If I have a slip, as I still do all the time, I get back on plan from my next meal. I don’t wait. I just get right back up!! Keep going. Keep fighting!!

I’m 61lbs down now, I am into the last stone to hit that IVF weight. That miserable woman sat in that doctors office in 2010 wouldn’t ever believe this. I owe it to her to keep going.

I am going to diary the last stone however long that takes. I hope that it helps others out there no matter where you are on your journey.

Be kind to yourself. Plan and prepare for your weeks ahead I do a meal plan each week which I will share over the blogs coming up. But mainly. NEVER GIVE UP FIGHTING.

The Demon Voice Tormenting a Fat Girl

I have gone many years as a chunky monkey, I think the very truth of the matter is that I have always felt like “that girl” the plain frumpy one, the DUFF, I was always the ugly one out of my friends. I hate that word ugly but for the purposes of this blog and honesty that’s how I felt.

I didn’t refer to myself as this because I wanted people to say “No you aren’t you are beautiful” It was the real true of the voice in my head, no one would want me…. I mean, look at me!

I think that feeling started to take root from a young age so that it became part of who I am and my making reference to my weight or appearance first was a defence. I was always the friend, never the girlfriend. Then I met my husband young after a small number of unsuccessful relationships, he saw me in a way I still to this day don’t really understand. I felt like he might have  broken vision or something that he didn’t see what the rest of the world did. Until him my mother was the only one that told me I was beautiful, and she has too say that right?

What makes me feel sad when I think back to those pre Ben years is I felt like being less that a beauty queen meant I was less than, I felt worthless and unloved in general. I have a strong relationship with my mother but I always felt like the least loved in everyone else’s eyes. That lonely little girl, with a front of humour and being tough cookie and it breaks my heart and she has steered so much of my life.

There is a lot of focus on body positive image now, some camps are big is beautiful, some are big is unhealthy and should loose weight. I am of the opinion that people should mind their business, beautiful is more than a dress size or a gym routine. Beauty is most definitely in the eye of the beholder. I wish I had known that growing up.

I have tried so many times to loose the weight, it has of cause been made difficult by the PCOS not impossible but hard. I have had perfect eating weeks with exercise on at least 5 days an still put on weight.

This time we are trying to loose the weight for treatment, not to fit into some clothes or for me to feel beautiful, I am loosing weight to have a baby. The beauty of it all now seems so stupid. I am entirely loved by my husband that’s all that matters to me.

Will I succeed this time? Who knows, I started Slimming World and I have lost 13.5lb in two weeks which is great but I know that can’t continue the bitch that is PCOS will see to that, I am just taking one meal at a time and trying to forgive and forget any slips as quickly as I can.

That little voice in my head that tells me that I can’t do it, that I am no good, that no one will love me its still there sometimes I am not going to lie, but I have found a way to lower the volume.

If I could pass on one bit of advice to just one person out there reading this is –

The outside world will always have opinions, on social media sadly some people seem to get off on writing hurtful things about people they don’t know, not to mention those “health” fanatics that feel its ok to post videos and comments to tell people to not be lazy put less in move more, these people have never been through what you have.

If people spent more time focusing on their own happiness the world would be a better place, this is their problem not yours. Beauty is not on the front of a magazine or walking on two long legs down a catwalk, beauty is in your heart. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than. We are all different, what a boring world it would be if we were not. See you for who you really are, beauty on the insides radiates out no matter what your body and face look like and the world will see you that way.

I hope this time my weight comes off, I hope I can get my body in shape to carry a baby I have been desperately trying for 12 years for. Its funny how this time the size 10 jeans from top shop that seemed so  important seem kinda silly now. Especially as I am loosing weight to grow another beautiful big belly……. funny how things turn out.

 

Motivated by a friend – PCOS Weight loss

tracey
Tracey Yale, my friend who motivated me to start my journey again.

I started to share my fertility story and it warmed my heart to receive so many messages of support and people going through the same thing. While I am moving through my grief and looking to the future The one thing that I have never really fully concurred is my weight. I don’t think I will ever be able to let go of the dream of having a family until I have at least tried this.

I feel my story is one so many could tell, in a way my weight has been my protector against all the pain I associate with getting pregnant. Especially after loosing our babies.

Well this week I am back at it and after my first weigh in showed I had lost 11lbs on the programme in one week! I am so excited to see what I can achieve. I am no fool – I know slow and steady wins the race. There will be hard weeks and there will be good weeks. I will share them all with you!

I also believe having success stories out there to give you motivation and see others with the same condition succeed is so important. I am luck that I have a friend Tracey Yale who is one such success story, she is a beautiful person inside and out! She has worked so hard to get to where she is now and so has motivated me to follow her, with her help.

I am going to share a few stories like this over the coming weeks so please if you have a story to share with my readers then get in touch!

Here’s Tracey’s Story:

I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 25 but pretty much knew for a few years prior that I had it as my younger sister had been diagnosed quite young and I had all the same symptoms. When I first got told about the potential fertility issues it shook me slightly but having just started dating my now husband it wasn’t relevant until the years ticked by and ‘that’ conversation came up. We decided we would deal with whatever came our way and if it wasn’t to be we’d just go on lots of holidays. We got married in October 2013 at my absolute heaviest wearing a size 24 wedding dress and not caring in the slightest.

I was marrying my best friend and was so so happy. I came off the pill almost immediately and the old niggle returned along with the lack of a period. I knew quite quickly that any initiation into fertility treatment would be met with ‘you need to lose weight’.

On 10th February 2014 I walked into my local Slimming World group with zero hope and no real motivation, the consultant was talking about how they went for a meal in summer and one near Christmas, I told myself there was no point listening to the details as I wouldn’t be attending by summer let alone Christmas. I’d tried and failed so many times to lose weight so why would it work this time?

Despite my head telling me I couldn’t do it, my heart told me different and I forced myself (yes actually forced myself, whinging for a full 2 weeks how I just wanted a take away or chippy tea) and after those initial 2 weeks noticed that I was actually doing pretty well, week on week I set myself a small, achievable target for the following Monday and made it my mission.

Before I knew it I was actually enjoying it, trying new food, being more active and losing weight. In May 2014 my periods returned, I was so overjoyed I told a restaurant full of people on my return back from the ladies room, by September 2014 I’d lost just over 6 stone and was feeling great.

The month came to a close and I’d been feeling tired, lethargic and my nipples felt like I’d got friction burn, so to try and stamp out the excitement that was rising I took a test to rule it out, I couldn’t allow myself to dream that far incase it came to nothing.

My test was positive!!

On 1st October 6st 4lb lighter I was pregnant. Suffice to say I wouldn’t believe it until a scan had proved it. The weeks ticked by and scan after scan kept confirming that my baby was growing well and healthy.

On 21st May 2015 my amazing dream baby boy Joey was born all 8lb of him. During my pregnancy I’d indulged in cake and ice lollies and put near enough all of my weight back on but now I had a new purpose so I returned back to Slimming World 2 weeks later and today have a very beautiful 2 year old and am 10 and a half stone lighter. I never dared to believe this would be possible or that I could achieve any of the above but it can happen.

The PCOS DIET

I started to worry about my weight like a lot of people after seeing a photo of myself. 


I had moved away from home, traveled for a while and then settled with the love of my life. We were content and happy …. we still are….. but what happens, as does with so many people in this situation. We ate our contentment and before I knew it I was the left photo. 

The longer it was taking to get pregnant the more I ate my feelings and it became like my protection. My comfort blanket. 

I have alway been chubby, I was always the chubby plain kid at school. But the silly thing is when I look back I wasn’t that over weight. In my head I saw a massive girl, miserable desperate to be loved. 

I shared today a stat on my Facebook page to see how you guys reacted to it. It gave me so much comfort to see I’m so not alone, though it saddened me to see so many others in this struggle. 

Loosing 5% of your body weight can increase your chances of conceiving!

I’m going to get real and very honest with you guys. This stat has been my enemy. These words hurt me more than anything we have been through. Why?

Because this makes it my fault. 

Not PCOS. 

NOT my womb and bad quality eggs. 

My inability to loose weight. MY FAULT. 

The truth is that some of these elements are out of my control. Even in truth the weight loss because, for all I have bad habits like all of us, I challenge anyone out there with an eating addiction to be solid steel enough to be perfect 100% of the time to lose the weight. It’s discouraging to be so clean and to lose nothing or worse to put on. That’s what PCOS has done to me. 

To look at me and a lot of women in my position, the judgement part of the brain would think, she must over eat and be lazy. No one sees the struggle we have every single day to lose just one pound. I don’t say this to make excuses.  It can be done it’s just very hard work, but here’s the honest part ………. I HATE THAT I HAVE TO AND I AM SO RESENTFUL OF IT!!!!

I see over weight pregnant ladies all the time, beautiful with their equally beautiful bumps! Why do I have to be the one to be thin to get what I do desperarely want?!? It enrages me! 

What if I lose the weight, get to that mythical perfect weight and still do not conceive a healthy child? What then? What little hope that remains will be gone and I hate that I think like that!

The one thing that gets us through is hope, hope of what the future will hope. The image of my husband holding our child. If all hope is lost, I really do have to say goodbye to that dream. 

I’m not ready for that just yet ….. someone pass me a bloody celery stick!!! 

Xoxo

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