For those who know me in the real world. They don’t see a lot of the pain I feel. I’m sure reading these blogs offers a shocking insight into how I’m really feeling when they may have seen me that day smiling and getting on with things.

Behind the smile of a lot of couples dealing with infertility is pain carried silently. There are tears shed in private and never shared with the world around them because it can’t often be articulated. The words just sometimes won’t come out.

The last few weeks I have been struggling. I’m having some health issues which are side effects from the PCOS meaning I am in a great deal of pain at the moment and I’m exhausted. So because I’m so tired I feel terribly low.

My whole family is also struggling with a loss. I mention my cousin a lot here, he was my little bro really. We miss him so much. Loosing him and our babies are the only time I really can say I understand “heartbreak” as in my heart feels like it’s actually painfully broken. We lost him in early January 2016 so the Christmas period was just awful and now it’s a reminder of that as hard as we try to “Get on with it”

I’m sure this is why I am struggling with our babies too. Normally I am quite good at packing those feelings away in a box and leaving them there. I don’t dwell. If I did I wouldn’t never get out of bed. But right now any moment that I’m quiet or alone, my brain is taking those memories out and parading them around. Not just the memories of the experience of actually loosing them but the “what ifs” that often are a side effect of this time of year.

Unlived lives of our little ones plague my dreams and make it impossible to get back to sleep. The excited moments leading to the arrival of the big man, the joy and overwhelming love watching your children revel in all the wonderful moments of the season. I can imagine those things. I can almost see our life with our children. Instead I’m just ….. empty. The ache from wanting to hold my babies is sometimes overwhelming.

I long for a time when it won’t hurt so much. I’m terrified that it won’t get any better and worse we will never have that child. I don’t think even if we do it will ease the last 13 years. How could it?

So laid here in the dark, I am sharing this with all of you out there who may also be laid in the dark shedding tears you won’t shed in the light of day. Tomorrow I will get up and dress for work. I will take pain killers for the physical pain and I will push down the emotional scars. Like so many others out there.

If you are reading this as someone trying to understand a friend or family member in our position. Just take a look around you at your children. Hug them extra tight. It’s simple really to empathise with us, just understand we feel the love for our unborn babies or the babies we long to have in the same way. We have imagined our lives so often with our children. Our arms are simply empty. All you have to do is be there to hold their hand. No advice needed. They may not tell you about these moments that they are alone and crying but they will be happening. Be careful with your words.

Some of the things said to couples that they have shared with me are thoughtless and even cruel. Try to remember they haven’t asked for this. It’s not as easy as “moving on” they certainly are not being “selfish” if they aren’t able to face baby focussed events that often people ask them to attend for other people. Often assuming we should be the ones to brave these things so they don’t upset family members. They use their brave faces a lot, try to understand and support them when they can’t do it. It’s not selfishness it’s them trying to survive what they are going through.

If you are a couple going through infertility and are often found alone and weeping as I am now. Know you aren’t alone. I can’t promise that we will all get our miracles, but I can promise you that for as long as I can I will share our story to help others understand. To speak for those of us who can’t find the words.

I hope that one day we find peace with it all. That I find a way to never for get my babies but that it won’t be so painful. Is that so much to ask?

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