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The Childless Mother

Dealing with infertility and finding happiness

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A Moment For My Husband.

I am an open book.

I share myself because it helps me and I have friends and family all over the world online that support us. My blog started as a diary to help me through the infertility journey, I didn’t expect to reach so many with it.

Some people don’t understand the enthusiasm to share, they are perhaps very private people. I respect that. I am not that person, it didn’t help me to keep it to myself.

I have always been a heart on my sleeve type person. I trust probably too easily even though I have been burnt by that, by people who would choose to use your vulnerability against you. I still won’t change. It started because I just wanted the painful thoughts to go through me and out into the world. I continue because people sharing our pain gain comfort in my words and knowing they aren’t alone. I’m proud of that. I am protective of our community.

My husband supports me no matter what, though he is someone that shares very little. His circle is small and if you are in it you are lucky. He’s incredibly kind hearted, funny, supportive and just my best friend. I know that’s a sappy over used phrase, but it’s the truth. We have been together over 15 years and he still makes my stomach flip.

Those of you on this journey will know it’s hard on your relationship. My husband wasn’t someone who wanted kids desperately, he was happy if it was us two or if we make it to a three (maybe four) well he would be happy too. So I haven’t ever felt pressured massively. I have felt guilt, of cause, because he won’t have a child because I can’t give him that and believe me when I say he would make an amazing father.

Both of us were raised by awesome women, our dads left us young. You would think that would scare him off being a father himself but it doesn’t. The close relationship with his mother moulded him into the wonderful man he is today. He would be a great dad, our kids would be so lucky. He’s kinda cool. Don’t tell him I said that lol.

The focus when couples go through this is often on the woman, perhaps because on the whole we will share how it is effecting us a little more. I found as I have written before, when I miscarried our babies everyone rallied around me I was bearing the physical pain as well as the mental but he felt it too. Maybe even worse because he could only watch helplessly. Comforting someone you love that much, falling apart in front of you is a horrible position to be in. It’s hard to know how to help. People often don’t know what to say to him, maybe they worry he won’t want to talk, maybe they would be right. He will often say “I’m fine!” When I know he’s not.

I always know how lucky I am. I remind myself everyday. We are a team. Together we can face anything. We have had some trying moments, particularly over the last two years. All of that came crashing around me the last month. I feel like he has literally picked me up and put me on his back to keep us going. I can’t ever thank him enough for that. I haven’t felt able to face to world, it feels like he’s protecting me from it, even though the big changes we are experiencing are terrifying. He probably would just like to give me a shake. He hasn’t he has just been there for me.

Infertility can take so much from you. It’s so important to acknowledge and appreciate the good things. Just be thankful for what you do have. Today I wanted show that to him, to just take a moment to say we are a team and I couldn’t be more proud of what we have. Life’s very short, I would feel sad if when I look back at this time all I could think about was the struggle and pain. There has to be more. It might not be the life we imagined but it’s ours and It’s still wonderful. ❤️❤️

Why do I Feel Lonely?

Anyone can feel totally alone when they are surrounded by people that love them. It’s a weird place to be, that you can’t find the words to reach those people to say you are struggling.

As you all know, I have no problem finding the words and my blog and you lovely readers have helped me more than I could ever say. But even I have my moments of loneliness.

One of the difficult things to navigate around when you are gradually getting older and still childless is where you fit in. Life doesn’t really have an acceptable box for the childless over a certain age. It’s easier for some people if you follow the guidelines expected or if you can’t, that you keep it to yourself and pretend to fit the idea of normal. That’s something I was never going to be “Normal” … urgh … I hate that word!!

As more and more of our friends get their bundles of joy. We celebrate with them and then watch on with a certain amount of jealousy as their lives are filled with their children and as they grow their children’s activities, they are amerced into school social calendars and PTA events and activities and I just can’t relate to any of that.

It leaves me sometimes feeling like I am on a island alone.

Now don’t get me wrong, even if our miracle happens and we get to do all of that stuff, I would be the furthest from a PTA mum. Think more Bad Moms. Our kid would be riding to school on the back of a Harley and probably frightening other kids with discussions on how we have talked about surviving a zombie apocalypse. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s just going to happen nothing we can do about that!! But at least I would get it.

It feels lonely at times sitting in a room of mums discussing Easter holiday plans, days out and what they need to get ready for the kids entertainment etc. It’s lonely because you have nothing to say at these times, or at least that’s how I feel. What am I going to say?

“We bought Jackson a huge Easter egg. He just loved it, we have booked them on a Easter egg hunt too!” 😕😕

Jackson’s one of our dogs …. he would love an Easter egg/ hunt even though it would prob make him sick. He’s a nutter like that 🤷🏻‍♀️😂.

Kids parties are another example. Friends get together to celebrate with other friends that have kids so they can have a play date. They don’t often invite the childless couple, because they aren’t sure if you would be upsetting or even if they would want to go. It’s another walking on egg shell moment.

I remember once being sat at my best friends house for some kind of product party and I was the only childless person there. The conversation understandably was kid, kids and more kids and then the expected “how many do you have?” (as I didn’t know many people there) followed by the awkward ….. I can’t have kids moment.

I had nothing to say or what I did was polite nonsense. I remember feeling like I was watching the rest of them from a different room, so separate. So you avoid these moments where you can. It’s just easier for everyone.

I know that I have to try, to find common ground but it doesn’t change the feeling of being alone.

It doesn’t mean I am not supported or that we aren’t supported. At this point I think my best friend and our families actually want us to have a child as much as we do probably more in my Besties case 😂😂🙈🙈.

Learning to adjust to the idea of a life without children is hard, learning to not separate myself is something I work hard on all the time.

If someone is struggling in your life, perhaps cancelling events and changing plans. Give them time. Try not to be angry with them. I can be sure they aren’t doing it to be horrible. They are most likely just trying to find a way through this horrible maze of feelings. To try to survive it the best way they can.

It’s an on going struggle, we are constantly working at being able to fit in when we don’t fit the norm. I never, ever imagined a life where I wouldn’t have kids. I don’t know how that looks even though I am living it. It feels sometimes like I’m treading water just to keep my head up.

Accepting a new sort of future takes time. I still haven’t lost hope. So that’s got to be something to cling to. Hope.

One day soon it’s just got to get better, right??

❤️❤️

Mother’s Day Blues.

I have been back and forth on this blog for a few days. Finding the words sometimes, though it may shock some people to know, it’s hard. To articulate something that would be helpful.

What I want to post after 13 years of trying is hope that it gets better and a survival guide. The truth is. I can’t do that. I just can’t.

Sometimes my thick skin gets me by. I don’t hurt and I can even function and celebrate with our mums as it’s their day too. But then some times, like this year, it feels like I want to curl into a little ball and hide in my bed, and just wake up when it’s done. I’m so angry.

The crazy thing is I haven’t ever been so close to our goal of ivf, for the first time I am loosing the weight I need to. Only 24lbs to go!!

We have a day to celebrate those women in our lives that have provided for us, protected us and loved us unconditionally and that is a wonderful thing. The sting for women like me is that I could do that. I would love our children. Protect them. Provide for them. The cruel twist of fate preventing that, the weight of the lost heartbeats that I carried within me, it stings. It more than stings. Some times it cripples me.

I know not everyone will get it. How could they. It’s just one day, for some a silly hallmark moment to cost us money. To me it’s more than that. It’s a celebration of how truly amazing women are. We create life with our partners, life created out of love (mainly :-/) it feels like a moment to reflect on how much I feel like I’m failing. How incredibly broken I am no matter how big my smile is.

How very empty my arms are, where my babies should be. Like an incomplete jigsaw.

No hand made cards from school, no flowers, no breakfast in bed made by giggling children.

For a lot of the year I can focus on what we do have. There will always be tough moments. But this one day. A day just for mother’s. I’m not OK.

I wish more than anything I could find the words to comfort those of you out there struggling with this day too. All I can do is tell you that you aren’t alone. As I always. I’m here walking with you.

If on Sunday you have a moment where you can’t cope, you want to cry, that ever present lump causing the familiar ache in the back of your throat, I’m standing with you. I’m shedding tears for us too.

I hope that you have family or friends around you for comfort, that even if they can’t know how you feel they can lend a shoulder or a hug to share that burden if only for a moment.

I hope that some of you can find a peace and get through the day however you need to. Even if it means ignoring it all together.

More than anything…. I hope for all of us. It’s our last one in pain. I wish that more than anything.

Sending love and hugs to you all ❤️❤️❤️

It’s OK not to be OK….

***IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A SUNSHINE MOTIVATIONAL BLOG … perhaps skip this one 😁😁***

Christmas was a little tough. I’m struggling. Mentally I struggle a little anyway over such a family focused moment in time, because of cause I do wonder what it would be like if our babies had made it. But this time it was the other side to infertility that spoilt it for me. The physical side effects, and the last two months it’s been the worst! No break from the pain.

I am so tired of brave facing it.

I am on the whole a glass half full sort of person but recently my glass is most definitely empty.

I personally have never suffered from depression. I have a few people in my life that do, so I don’t feel embarrassed to share that I am struggling. It’s important to talk about, I my case I turn to what’s always helped me process things, my writing (however bad it is lol).

How do you pick yourself up when you are so low that even getting up and getting dressed is a struggle? The pain I’m in at the moment is constant and I am so fed up with it that it IS effecting me mental health. I would be happy if I could live in a bubble of Netflix, a good book and my duvet! I can’t obviously.

I’m not sharing this with you guys so that I get the “ahh poor you’s” I don’t need that, but because I know that I’m not alone and I feel like I need to let it out. There are so many off us suffering through the side effects of having these long term fertility issues and I know a lot of you like me find themselves having to justify and explain how bad it is and why you are struggling, that it’s more than just a normal monthly. Those social events missed or going out doing anything. The guilt of letting people down again. But now, I am more than just feeling guilty. I’m actually angry.

I just feel pissed off that not only is it preventing me from giving my husband a family, but it effects every area of my life!! I never know how I will be able to cope with going out, shopping, meals, traveling, etc because of the pain or if I can leave the bathroom floor!! I always have to check dates and hope for the best.

The pain this time started mid November and it’s still going thanks to some complications that I won’t bore you with and a lovely new cyst!!

This weekend for example I spent on the couch because anytime I stood up right I had incredible shooting pains from the tops of my legs to my jaw, every time I moved it had to be a calculated cautious one, timidly feeling how bad the pain was going to be when I did straighten up to then just get to the toilet or kitchen etc.

There are so many horrible and worse illnesses out there I know and when I am feeling moany I try to give myself a shake and then generally feel guilty for being a wuss.

Some times it’s easier to get back up and continue at 100% effort. Other times I just can’t and the pain is relentless, for the last two months especially there has not been a day passed that I haven’t had to stop what I am doing hold my breath and try not to cry out in pain. I so fucking sick of it. The last two months have been bad but this isn’t the first bad stint, ever since my very first AF (Aunt Flow) at 10 years old the pain some months has floored me.

Currently I’m at “well I’m awake and dressed what more do you want” level of effort. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

What makes this worse for me is that I continue regularly to go thru this pain, a regular cycle that should have brought us a baby and still my arms are empty and feels like it’s punishing me further by making them so hard to deal with. The crushing disappointment of another failed month followed by terrible pain and sickness. It makes me so resentful I could scream!!

After all these years we are so close to the final phase of treatment. I have 27lbs to loose to have IVF. But I have never felt so fed up with it all. I’m slowing rolling back round to the “why us” way of thinking. WHY US?! Why do we have to go thru this. Isn’t 13 years enough already of this!?

Yes. I realise this is like a blog tantrum. And no I do not care. 😁

If anyone needs me I am under the covers with chocolate ….. oh no wait…. I have to work and I’m loosing weight….. FML!!

Feeling The Loss of Our Babies…

For those who know me in the real world. They don’t see a lot of the pain I feel. I’m sure reading these blogs offers a shocking insight into how I’m really feeling when they may have seen me that day smiling and getting on with things.

Behind the smile of a lot of couples dealing with infertility is pain carried silently. There are tears shed in private and never shared with the world around them because it can’t often be articulated. The words just sometimes won’t come out.

The last few weeks I have been struggling. I’m having some health issues which are side effects from the PCOS meaning I am in a great deal of pain at the moment and I’m exhausted. So because I’m so tired I feel terribly low.

My whole family is also struggling with a loss. I mention my cousin a lot here, he was my little bro really. We miss him so much. Loosing him and our babies are the only time I really can say I understand “heartbreak” as in my heart feels like it’s actually painfully broken. We lost him in early January 2016 so the Christmas period was just awful and now it’s a reminder of that as hard as we try to “Get on with it”

I’m sure this is why I am struggling with our babies too. Normally I am quite good at packing those feelings away in a box and leaving them there. I don’t dwell. If I did I wouldn’t never get out of bed. But right now any moment that I’m quiet or alone, my brain is taking those memories out and parading them around. Not just the memories of the experience of actually loosing them but the “what ifs” that often are a side effect of this time of year.

Unlived lives of our little ones plague my dreams and make it impossible to get back to sleep. The excited moments leading to the arrival of the big man, the joy and overwhelming love watching your children revel in all the wonderful moments of the season. I can imagine those things. I can almost see our life with our children. Instead I’m just ….. empty. The ache from wanting to hold my babies is sometimes overwhelming.

I long for a time when it won’t hurt so much. I’m terrified that it won’t get any better and worse we will never have that child. I don’t think even if we do it will ease the last 13 years. How could it?

So laid here in the dark, I am sharing this with all of you out there who may also be laid in the dark shedding tears you won’t shed in the light of day. Tomorrow I will get up and dress for work. I will take pain killers for the physical pain and I will push down the emotional scars. Like so many others out there.

If you are reading this as someone trying to understand a friend or family member in our position. Just take a look around you at your children. Hug them extra tight. It’s simple really to empathise with us, just understand we feel the love for our unborn babies or the babies we long to have in the same way. We have imagined our lives so often with our children. Our arms are simply empty. All you have to do is be there to hold their hand. No advice needed. They may not tell you about these moments that they are alone and crying but they will be happening. Be careful with your words.

Some of the things said to couples that they have shared with me are thoughtless and even cruel. Try to remember they haven’t asked for this. It’s not as easy as “moving on” they certainly are not being “selfish” if they aren’t able to face baby focussed events that often people ask them to attend for other people. Often assuming we should be the ones to brave these things so they don’t upset family members. They use their brave faces a lot, try to understand and support them when they can’t do it. It’s not selfishness it’s them trying to survive what they are going through.

If you are a couple going through infertility and are often found alone and weeping as I am now. Know you aren’t alone. I can’t promise that we will all get our miracles, but I can promise you that for as long as I can I will share our story to help others understand. To speak for those of us who can’t find the words.

I hope that one day we find peace with it all. That I find a way to never for get my babies but that it won’t be so painful. Is that so much to ask?

Surviving The Holidays With Infertility.

It’s almost impossible to get through this time of year without reflecting on the struggle to become parents. Regardless of it taking one year or like in our case 13 years. It’s painful and sometimes you wonder how you will get through it.

I feel that a certain amount of autopilot happens. The first few years I was still optimistic so we would have the “This time next year! Fingers crossed!!” conversations. As the years passed those conversations are less frequent and in truth because I am getting older I think people just don’t want to bring it up. That’s ok by me.

In the early years there really were some awful moments around the holidays where I felt like taking a holiday from interacting with people. So while I absolutely do not claim to be an expert in anyway, this is my guide to surviving The Holidays.

MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PLENTY OF ALCOHOL!

YOU ARE WELCOME. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

HAHA – only kidding. I actually don’t even drink! But use the advice where applicable lol!

Ok, so DAMAGE CONTROL – When I plan my social diary I look at what things would actually be fun and what things may be a fake smile and awkward conversations event. When it’s the latter, if I had to attend the event but I knew it would come with questions or “advice” I wish I had been more assertive, now I have no problem in saying,

“Can we just skip the baby talk” or “No just relaxing doesn’t help my ovaries don’t work”

Failing that a conversation before the event with the right people to say take the topic off the table completely. I have been known to completely ignore the question and change the subject. 😬😬.

I used to be so bothered by what others thought of how I reacted to things that the fact was I over compensated by being too OK with those conversations. Now if I don’t want to talk about it I just won’t. That’s ok to say nope – sorry not today!

If that’s not possible, or when inevitably the wrong things are said. Take a deep breath, smile and then I have a diary that’s full of rants that make me feel so much better – it’s now called my blog 😂😂. Preparing myself with what I may say definitely helps. I’m less likely to ramble or be caught in a day dream of head butting the person who upset me.

BE A LITTLE SELFISH: Putting the rest of the world before yourself – Don’t you find that you do this a lot? Why isn’t it OK to just skip it if you don’t want to do something. You cant do that all the time I know, but how many events do we do that we really wish we didn’t have to. I just sometimes want the two of us in a bubble no reminders of our issues, that’s just what you need to gain strength to continue on. Taking some time just the two of you is perfectly OK.

BE HAPPY: Find the happy in your life – So OK, another year has passed and we still have no baby. But what else has happened in my year that was amazing. I might not be attending nativity’s and school plays, or going on Santa trains but I have awesome days with my husband and fur babies, enjoying the season and there are lots of other fun things to do. Plan some things in that don’t involve “what if we had kids” moments. Even if we do something family orientated I can guarantee Ben and I are the biggest kids there anyway!! Don’t miss the now of it all because you are always thinking about the future. Live it now!!

LAUGH AND LET IT OUT – If it’s a night out (or even in) with friends. An activity that you enjoy. Plan something fun, find something to make you laugh! Find someone you can talk to and rant out the things that may have upset you. Almost like your Infertility sponsor!

HUGS – now I am NOT a hugger. My family and friends will tell you I pretty much avoid it at all costs! But a hug when I am low from my hubby or my Mam is pretty much the best medicine.

BE HONEST – if the thought of an upcoming event is causing you anxiety talk to someone about it. If you have to go at least having someone around you know it’s hard for you will help. Don’t feel like you have to shoulder it alone.

FINALLY BE KIND TO YOURSELF – Do you know how many times I have told myself I am useless, that I am a mess, a failure that my husband could do so much better and should?! That inner voice is a bitch! Instead of letting her say those things now I tell myself. I am a warrior. My heart has been made mince meat and I am still standing. My marriage has endured some of the worse pains you can go through and we are stronger than ever. I put my brave face on everyday some days while in terrible pain and get on with it. We are so strong. That’s what you need to remind yourself every day!!

I know better than most after 13 years of wanting, this time of year will have its hard moments for you. The biggest thing I can share with you all is that I know how you are feeling. You aren’t alone. I know how it feels to be surrounded by people and feel empty and quite alone. It has gotten easier for me over the years. I have learned to cope. I have found a way to be happy again and when I can’t be happy I allow myself to feel sad, to stop trying to fake it as much. I know it may feel like you can’t face it, but look how much strength you have so far. Never loose hope.

One day you just never know ……❤️❤️❤️⭐️⭐️

I hope that you do have the best Christmas that you can. I wish you all a very happy and healthy New Year 2018. May all our dreams come true. ❤️🌟❤️

When Does It Get Better?

I put a brave face on a lot of the time.

I pretend I am OK in the hopes that one day I may actually be OK.

The rest of the world can’t stop moving around me just because we can’t have children and I wouldn’t want it to. There are still moments however that sting, that I have to hold my breath and wait for the aching lump in my throat to pass before I can talk. Those moments are getting less frequent but they still hurt. It could be something someone says, an anniversary of a due date, a crazy month of possibility that I have given into the crazy symptom watching and pregnancy test, negative of cause. The following shame that I allowed myself to be swept up in the possibility, in the hope.

Time heals, so they say. First of all who’s they? Second of all “they” haven’t felt grief deeply if they believe this to be true. The passing of time doesn’t heal, we simply learn to live with it. But I do wonder.

Does it get better?

I don’t want to live with this ache, the empty incomplete pain for the rest of my life. I want to be able to move forward and heal. I just don’t think I can do that without trying everything. When we have tried everything if my arms are still empty, I have no idea how to begin to be OK with that.

My life is full of love, this is true. I am blessed in so many ways. I want to be content with this. I want for that to be enough. But still ….. always lurking ….. always waiting, this ache. The feeling that my heart is so broken it can’t be repaired. I don’t want to just “get on with it, just move on” I feel like that’s letting go of my babies. I can’t do that.

This blog, my pages, you beautiful people that take the time to read my rambling thoughts. You are the best thing to come from this pain. To feel that we aren’t alone, that you get it. It helps so much.

I am not ashamed anymore of my body failing me, I feel like we are freaking warriors. Fighting every day to get our family’s. Fighting for that moment that our arms are no longer empty.

Dear Santa….. we need to talk!

Dear Santa,

I have written to you so many times now. The joke has clearly been on us!  I watch as December arrives and the children in our life switch between angelic well behaved beauties to sugar fuelled demons with no inbetween in the sheer anticipation of your arrival. My heart aches for a child of our own.

At this time every year I make a private wish.

“Next year…… please let it be our turn and please, by next year, let us finally be holding our baby.”

I have tried many ways of getting this wish/Christmas request to you, I have written to you, I have burned a letter in an open fire, I have gazed up at those beautiful stars at night and closed my eyes tightly and begged you. I have been on my knees, pleading. Just one child. Let us be lucky to have one child.

It’s been 13 years now I have asked for just one thing. Only resulting in empty arms and brief moments of hope ripped away. Wishing has proved pointless. In reality I know we may only help ourselves. Faith can only take you so far.

I love to read, you know that, you have brought me many books over the years. I long to sit in a nursery cradling our child and reading to them the night before Christmas, to listen to the excited tone of our child’s voice asking for the millionth time when you would get here. To awake on Christmas morning to the sounds of excited whoops and yells.  “He’s been, he’s been!!!”

In the shops I pass aisle’s after aisles of advent calendars, reindeer food for Rudolph and his chums,  Santa treats for you, Xmas eve boxes and so much fun to be had making treats and decorations for your arrival. I have imagined many times my husband and I sat around a table creating the perfect ginger bread house, making our own decorations or taking our little one to a grotto to visit you so you can hear their wish for that Christmas. I would hope a solution to world hunger and poverty but more likely the latest fad toy!

As I sit now quietly writing this letter to you, we are still only a two. Do you know how many tines I am asked as a woman in her thirties by complete strangers

“are your kids excited for Santa?!”

Do you know that mainly I lie?  I tell them “absolutely”!! I do that because I can’t face the look of pity when I say we can’t have children and equally I can NOT face telling them we don’t want them to save their feelings. My mouth will not say those words no matter how much easier that would be, it feels like I am dishonouring our angel babies.

I would just like the festive season to welcome us, to for once feel like a normal couple. To feel less of a failure.  To take part in all the parts of Christmas that are meant for happy families! Because we are a happy family. My heart may be Swiss cheese and I may be often crippled with the grief and loss. But I am happy all the same, we are happy. I am so blessed to have my Husband, he’s really the other half of me.

For that reason this year, I am not asking you to give me a baby. I am working on making my body more healthy and strong to do it myself. Instead I am asking you to look over all of the people out there struggling with this journey this year. Help them to find the happy in their own lives. Help their hearts to heal and when they can’t find that happy, surround them with love and support so they know they are not alone. Can you do that?

Good luck with the big night, and even though we don’t have any children we will still leave you some cookies and milk ……. it’s just in our house you might find the milk is spiked with a little (or a lot of) whiskey 😉😉 .

Merry Christmas and thank you for listending ❤️❤️❄️🎄🎅🏻🎅🏻

 

Christmas And Still A Childless Mother

It’s been a year since I wrote “The Childless Mother at Christmas”, a blog that poured out the frustration I was feeling at that time. I have connected with so many wonderful people over the last year. I feel less alone in this journey.

As the last of days of summer are coming to a close, I can start to feel the knot in my stomach. It starts because of my birthday because when it arrives, I know there is another year passing without a baby. This time of year seems worse than others as the focus is on Children.

Halloween, social media fills with adorable and some slightly disturbing images of children ready to tackle trick or treating. I still buy the sweets, we never seem to get any and let me tell you mixing that feeling of loss for not having a child to take part in the events happening around us and that big bag of chocolates never ends well. Usually it ends with me face down in a mountain of empty Cadburys wrappers promising to do better next year.

When the last cobweb is swept away on we go to the sparking lights and bangs of bonfire night, events all around me take place with chunky little faces, red noses from the cold and wrapped up like the marshmallow man, excited to see the displays with their families, meanwhile I am at home trying to convince my 14 year old neurotic Labrador that the world isn’t ending, it’s just fireworks and she can come out from under the quilt!

As the shimmering sparkles disappear then the dread really does eat away at me, the windows around my town start to shimmer with twinkle lights and the children in my life are at defcon one of excitement as the big man’s arrival is imminent, Christmas is coming. Christmas as a childless couple in our mid-thirties is not what I was expecting to be dealing with. I thought for sure by now we would have a family.

You see every year around this time even if I wouldn’t ever say it out loud, I made a little Christmas wish, I wanted Santa to bring us just one thing. A baby. At first I was optimistic it felt very possible that we would get our baby someday …. Just be patient.

As the years rolled by and we stood among our friends on New Year’s Eve watching Big Ben ring in the New Year. I would think ….. please be next year. Please don’t let me have to go through another year of this. Just one success, just one baby.

This period of time is hard. There is an urge to shut yourself in at home and wait for it to pass. To stop looking at the nativity pictures wondering what our child would have been. To not feel like we are missing out on the Christmas fun at Santa’s grottos and Polar Express steam train rides, after all if a childless couple turn up to sit on Santa’s lap alone….. Question’s get asked!!

The sad fact is we are big kids, we love Christmas. Imagining what Christmas morning would be like us sat around our living room, excited cries of thank you for the latest in technology, for them to then play with the box it came in!

Enough is so enough!

For the first time this year we are being a little selfish, we are locking ourselves away at home just the two of us, for many reasons but mainly the best of all is that we like so many other people out there run around all festive season and don’t get to really enjoy the bits we want to. We want to have a little alone time just the two of us. Is that so bad?

I refuse to let us not being able to have children define what we are for the rest of our lives, we have to find a way to move forward. I am so luck that my marriage is a good one, we still have so much fun together even after 15 years, he’s my best friend. This year we are going to spend the day at home, maybe in our PJs who knows. We might not even have a Christmas lunch. Maybe we will just eat chocolate. Because we can!

It’s time to start to try and embrace the cards we have been dealt, to find the things that are good and meaningful in our lives. As hard as this journey can be, there has to be a way of healing and finding a positive in it. We have to find a new version of the life we imagined, a one without children.

Maybe I will put my doggies into a nativity this year, who knows!

I hope this holiday season isn’t too difficult for you, I hope that you can find joy in what you do have and that next year does bring you your dreams. Until as always I am here to lend a hand to hold xx

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