The Childless Mother

Dealing with infertility and finding happiness


weightloss journey

When Did Hope Die? 

We have been on this journey for so long now, had so much disappointment and heartbreak somewhere along the way I lost something I thought I never would …. I lost all hope. Along with that, I lost the dream of being a mother. 
I’m not sure when this happened, perhaps it slipped away a little at a time. Perhaps is was ripped out in buckets with every silent heartbeat on a scan monitor or with the negative pregnancy test sitting in my lap, anointed with freshly fallen tears. Perhaps that’s where my hope disappeared, slowly down tear tracks etched into my cheeks over 12 years. I don’t know. 

All I know is this last couple of weeks, as the weight has slowly started to fall off, I have felt a flutter that has been missing. My hope was returning. 

Once I realised this is what I was feeling, I was crushed to know just how lost I had been before now. It upset me to think that I had given up on our dream. I had written myself off as a failure, I had convinced myself I couldn’t do this. 

One of the most gut wrenching, heartbreaking things to get your head around when you have fertility issues is that it’s you. You are the reason why.  You are defective. You can not perform the one task that should be so natural for a woman to do.  You, you ….. YOU! Even with that knowledge I thought I was strong. I thought we had shouldered more than most could bare and retained our sanity. 

While it’s true we have shouldered a lot. Cried more tears in the twelve years trying for a child than I could count. I do feel like I have lost a part of me in the process. I was an optimist. I was so sure that even with my PCOS we would get pregnant that every failed pregnancy we lost, every negative test that followed I believed it was taking us closer to what we wanted. That no world could be so cruel to allow us not to get our dream. 

Twelve long years, slowly but surely that hope died in me. I didn’t mourn it all at once, or acknowledge it at all really. I didn’t even notice it was gone until I felt a glimmer come back. 

I’m 36. The window is closing. Perhaps that is why the motivation is staying with me this time. I need to loose the weight to get treatment and it always felt like a mountain. Now I am 25.5lbs down with another 42lb plus to go, but I actually feel like I can do this! 

The more I feel confident that I can lose the weight. The more that the hope I had lost seems to return. 

Will we ever realise our dream to be parents. I don’t know. But the fact I have finally found the confidence to keep going, to take control of something for once! That makes me hopeful. 

If anyone is reading this with PCOS over weight and wondering how you could possible find the grit to try and loose weight. Give yourself a break, take it one meal at a time and most of all forgive the slips. 

I am not a natural gym bunny 🐰 or healthy eater but learning to forgive my slips and getting back to it the next meal has been something that’s new and it’s keeping me on track. Am I perfect!? Hell No! But I want it so badly. I am not thinking so far in the future I am planning one week at a time. Hoping that I can stay strong. We can all do that. 

Wish me luck xoxo

PCOS and weight loss guilt. 

As the last chimes of Big Ben were heard around the country, the stampede has started to the many gym’s and supermarkets to stock up on “healthy foods” and fitness plans, the question is this year will I be one of them?

Well …… we are four days in and it’s not looking good guys!

Every year, all through the year I say to myself …… “Come on woman get a grip” and I pull my jogging pants on and take my sizable arse to the gym! Here’s the thing – I actually like to eat fresh vegetables, fruits and lean meats. Whole foods are my friend, I eat the vegetable and fruit rainbow! I actually like to run, which believe me as a chunky monkey is no easy feat. So why, you ask am I still curve-a-licious?? Well for one I love takeaway food…. especially a good kebab and it’s like my own crack addiction, they call to me while I try to be good and after resisting for a while, I can often be found hiding behind my sofa eating a kebab crying while pouring more garlic sauce onto my chips!

The second reason is something I have zero control over, I have PCOS. So when my will power is like steel and I am at the gym and try really hard, I step onto those scales gutted that I have maintained or even put on. I am so frustrated after a few weeks of determination followed by disappointment that, you guessed it, I am back behind my sofa, crying and cramming a kebab and chips in my mouth between the sobs.

It’s not the right way to handle it but it’s mine, food has been my comfort blanket as well as a pleasure to me for so long it’s hard to let it go.

This year my lovely husband got me a Fit-bit, not as a “you’re fat, get fit” sort of present, I did in fact ask for it. So basically now have an annoying little friend that buzzes me and tells me to move more – she’s rather bossy! Added incentive this year is that we are going on holiday in April! SO the motivation is there and long may it continue! NYC wont know what has hit it!! lol.

I don’t make excuses for my size, I got here from bad food choices and lack of movement. I did this before I knew anything about PCOS and while it seems crazy as the information is so readily available now, at the time I had very limited information and I never dreamed just how much damage I was doing by eating. I wish more than anything that I could go back and have that conversation with myself but I don’t have a DeLorean!

All these years I have day dreamed that if I was just a little thinner, just a little prettier, a little taller, have working ovaries….. I would be happier. The truth I am becoming to realise is that I will never be happy and confident until I find a way to believe it on the inside.

The voice telling me that I will never be thin or beautiful, never be good enough to have kids, never be healthy enough that it’s all my fault! Until I find a way to shut that voice up I don’t think I will ever be happy with then no matter what I do I will never feel like I am there.

There is so much negativity out there on body image, for all shapes and sizes. So many people willing to judge someone’s lifestyle because of how they look. I used to find this upsetting, like I had to tell people that I had PCOS to explain why it was so hard for me to lose weight. The likely hood is those spewing harsh words and judgement are probably struggling with their own issues and I feel sorry for them.

Be proud of who you are, yes I am not perfect but I am working on my goals at a pace that is right for me. Equally those who work for their figures and health don’t deserve the negativity thrown at them for being successful at it – they work constantly HARD for it. Sadly, the simple fact is that no matter what you look like there will always be someone that is willing to be judgemental – you can not change what these people say or think, you only have control over your own thoughts, words and actions.

I am over weight and it does affect my fertility, I have spent years resentful at how hard it is with PCOS to lose the weight, but part of it I think is that my weight offers me protection. If I lose the rest of the weight and I still don’t get our baby – then what? What hope will there be left? If hope is gone how do I face the fact it’s truly over. I know this is nuts but it’s how I feel. Damn that inner voice!

So another New Year has started and I am sure that I am not alone kick starting my healthy habits. I have climbed back on that diet horse more times than I would like to admit, but I will always keep trying! Rather than saying my resolution is to lose weight, I am going work on shutting that voice up to believe that I can do it I just have to give it time……and I am most definitely going to try and cut down on the garlic sauce fueled melt downs…..yeah I am really going to try to stop those bad boys from happening…..

Good luck to any of my PCOS sisters out there and to anyone else trying to get healthy! XOXO

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