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The Childless Mother

Dealing with infertility and finding happiness

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MOVING ON

Am I strong?

I talk about us being warriors a lot. I believe that 100%. How else do we get through the day like it’s all ok. When some days it just isn’t.

I do however think it’s ok to admit when you can’t be strong. So many people will say that, how brave, how strong we are and I appreciate those words so much. They give me actual strength. It doesn’t mean that sometimes I don’t fall apart.

That’s ok too.

In the first few days after my last miscarriage it felt like I was sitting watching the world happen. Like I was removed from everything around me. Every time I tried to grasp what was happening I would feel the ache and loose control.

People talk about broken hearts. They use it to describe break ups and hardships. I have done this. Nothing compares to that pain, it’s not a metaphorical pain. It’s a physical one.

All the cliques feel true. It is a unique pain. Loosing a child you desperately long for. Going from a lifetime of possibilities of plans, to nothing. Worse than that for me, because I have lost our babies so early there is no record of them ever existing. No one would ever know their little hearts did beat at one time. Now mine beats slightly off, it is missing the beats of our children.

To survive I have built a shell almost, so that I don’t feel the pregnancy announcements, I don’t feel the words misspoken and I don’t feel the loss of the unlived life with our children. That’s by day.

Then by night, when it’s quiet and my thoughts are my only company my shell cracks. Often in the middle of the night I can be found silent tears falling onto my pillow. The bathroom is another place my shell crumbles.

Grief is a strange experience. I have heard it described as waves. I can relate to this. One moment I can be perfectly fine and then a wave hits me and I fall apart spectacularly. I’m not ashamed of these moments. I’m human.

I absolutely believe that we are warriors, but it’s ok for us to feel the pain we need to to move forward. I don’t want to forget that I was ever pregnant and only look forward, I can’t always be looking back either of cause but I owe it to my babies to not forget them.

I don’t have them in my arms. I never will. My nursery may always be empty. My arms may never know the joy of holding our children. It then becomes about how we survive it.

It’s really simple for me. I am able to continue. I am able to keep the strength to share to help others because I may be a broken warrior, but I’m a warrior all the same. I get most of my strength from my husband, we are a team. Life may not be going how we planned but even with what we have been through, we laugh far more than we cry.

I’m always going to fight to keep going, but it’s ok to allow a little sadness out. It’s perfectly acceptable to mourn what we have lost. I don’t need to be strong all of the time. I’m ok with that too.

0

“Why don’t you just adopt?”

I’ve mulled over the idea of this blog for a while now. It’s a tough one to write about because I have so much respect for those families who have adopted or are going through the adoption process. Let me start by saying that.

But.

So many times people have said to us “You could just adopt”. Here’s my issue with that statement, while being from a good place. It’s probably one of the worst things to say to me as someone who can’t have kids. Bare with me.

Don’t get mad.

This is why. ….. the word “just” is the killer for me. It makes it feel like they are suggesting it as a runner up prize. Adoption if you choose this route is so much more important than that.

Adoption is not a fertility treatment. It’s not a quick fix for the years of desperately trying. Adoption is a completely separate decision that any family can make if you can or can’t have children.

For me if I were to go down this route. I would need my husband 100% on board with it. It needs to be a decision you are both happy with and both healed enough to move forward, because if not, that’s not fair to any child that may be placed into your care.

My issues with not being able to conceive and carry my own child are issues that are about me and my body. I don’t feel adopting a child would magically fix those aches. I long to carry a child in my own body, I even want to experience giving birth. I want to feel that baby moving inside me. Most of all I yearn to hold a child that’s a little bit of me and a little bit of my husband, who’s the love of my life. Not everyone does feel that need, but I do.

While I know for sure if we do go down that route the child placed with us would be ours. No question. I believe that blood doesn’t always make a family. But the place I am at right now, I know I’m not ready to give up on the dream of having our own child and when someone suggests that we should adopt. Here’s what I feel.

GUILT.

I feel bad about every little life out there that needs a home and a loving family. I know we would make great parents but it’s not fair of us to half arse it and that’s just me being honest. So this suggestion just adds to my pain.

The adoption process is a difficult and emotional one. Deciding if you are willing to take a certain age, a child with difficulties or disabilities, would you take a sibling group the choices you just wouldn’t have to think about if we just got pregnant. Reading the bios and looking at those photographs, at each beautiful child and trying to decide who would get us as parents that’s something I am not in the right place for. My hearts already broken from loosing our babies, what happens if the process falls through. How would we deal with that?

Moving years into the future how would I feel if the child wants contact with their birth family. Feeling like someone would possibly take my place. Again after going through what we have with our own babies I know that would kill me.

Another consideration for many people not in the UK is the cost. It can cost a lot of money to start the adoption process. Not everyone is in the position to do that.

People often are curious about the Infertility journey. Some people it comes from a place of love, they want you to feel less pain so they say things to try and help. For some people it’s just about being a bit nosy. They want to know to satisfy their own curiosity. Others would try to make it about the greater good and “doing the right thing” I’m amused by these people as I am yet to meet anyone offering this piece of advice that has been through what we have or even adopted themselves. Those people will say it like a – “wow don’t moan about it … just adopt” – like it’s something that’s as easy as that. Problem solved. All our pain magically gone.

If when you know that having kids isn’t happening for you and you have grieved the loss of that imagined life enough to feel ready to adopt, I truly applaud you. I really hope one day that I can get there too because having time to contemplate giving a home to a child in need really is an unexpected pain of infertility. I beat myself up about this all the time.

The simple fact is, like the decision to have any children, it’s a personal one.

I understand some people may view this suggestion as a perfect solution. I don’t think you can truly understand the conflict until you have lived it. Some couples know even before they try for children, if it doesn’t work they will adopt. This is so wonderful. I wish that’s how I felt. But we all have to go through this however we can, we do our best to survive it.

The adoption process here in the uk also asks for a set amount of time before starting the adoption process if you have had fertility treatment etc. This is completely the right thing for them to ask in my opinion. Again I will say it. Adoption is not a infertility treatment. The children involved deserve so much more than that. I really hope one day we can heal enough to do that but in the mean time please try to think before you speak.

I don’t mind answering the question ;

“have you considered adoption?”

That’s so much better than saying to me;

“Why don’t you just adopt?”

There’s nothing “Just” about it. It’s a completely awesome thing to do.

6

Baby clothes ….a weird hope.

I don’t know if I’m alone in this, I suspect I am not but I’m going to share anyway in case there are others like me feeling the same.

After all these years I have a huge urge to shop for nursery equipment and baby clothes. There! I said it. It’s out there.

I always imagined the months and weeks leading up to a birth, the excitement and preparation of the new arrival would be so wonderful. Part of that imagined scenario is the nursery and baby clothes.

In the early days I would look around these sections when I shopped alone and imagine being able to just buy anything remotely baby related to make up for all the time yearning.

When we did get pregnant and the few occasions that bean was a strong one and made it further into the pregnancy. I even went as far as buying a couple of football related items to give to my husband. They sat in a bottom draw for years until we moved house the last time and I had to let them go for my sanity. The bottom draw became a shrine and that didn’t feel good. I was tormented by them.

It’s hard to let go of these items when you see the moment clearly. A happy moment I would have shared with my husband. Handing him a Newcastle United onesie with Phillips on it. Telling him we finally were going to be parents.

I’m often surprised by the way some things affect me and then others that I would brace myself for turn out to be not too bad. For example the other day we were doing some work on a maternity ward, a couple were signing in to give their baby as I waited to see if we could carry the work out. The ache I carry everyday burned so badly at that moment. I will never experience this. I braced myself for the whole way to the job and actually it wasn’t too bad, once the initial pain passed I was ok.

I was a little jealous looking at all those baby bumps and going into the delivery suite thinking I have no clue what it’s like to be here and I want to be here so badly. The little units with the little knitted hats waiting for a beautiful head to cover. But I left feeling a little sad, but ok.

A few hours later we went to a shopping centre to buy some new clothes for our holiday next week. We are going to Prague 😁😁. The fitting room of cause had to be in the middle of the baby clothes. There was a little tiny pair of skinny jeans. They were for 0-3 months and were the cutest thing I have ever seen. They fit in my hand.

As I waiting for my husband to try his clothes on, I watched as families browsed the clothing and selected items and I felt such a huge wave of grief. Grief for a life I am not getting to live.

It’s like that movie sliding doors, in an alternative world I didn’t loose our babies and my husband and I are going through all these normal life experiences and my heart isn’t broken. We cradled my huge bumps while our little one kicked away and grew safe and strong protected by my body, we argued over furniture and colours for the nursery we spent time creating for them, we were able to buy the beautiful clothes for our children. That version of us doesn’t feel like a fraud for even picking up those little jeans. That version on me might have bought them in the right size for our children. You would feel the overwhelming love in our home. Love of our family.

There is a lot of love anyway. In the real version of our lives I am so happily married. I’m so completely in love with my husband fifteen years on. We get to travel a lot. We have nice things. We are happy. We have a lot to be thankful for. We just have this one part that hurts every day, it’s become part of our lives. Some days it’s just like white noise irritating but I can ignore it. Some days my grief screams so loudly that my chest aches. Those are the days I wish we didn’t have to experience it. I wish I could find a way to let go and be ok with it and that small things didn’t eat away at me , like perfect little jeans for a perfect baby we might never have.

1

Plan B ….

For as long as I have been aware, having a family was something I always wanted.

No one really tells you it’s not something you are guaranteed. Growing up I heard a lot of;

“When you get married and have kids of your own”

You don’t question it. It’s life’s plan. It’s what’s done.

Here’s my issue with that. What if it’s not? Why does it have to be? Someone choosing not to have children is no less valuable to society than someone that has had a car full of babies. Yet we are often made to feel less than, I even read an article claiming that professional woman are selfish for this decision.

Are you kidding me?! Apart from the fact you never know why that person hasn’t had a family if by choice or by circumstance or like for us there is an issue. It’s none of anyone else’s business.

Also you say selfish ….Who is it that covers holidays and sickness of those needing the extra days for their children?? I’m not ever bothered about doing this, or wasn’t before I was self employed. In fact I more than once offered to cover holidays etc because I know how important it is to be at home with your kids, but don’t call me selfish for it!! Don’t tell me I’m not contributing to society doing that takes more than reproducing.

One Christmas Eve some years ago when we had a working day as you do in media advertising. They announced they would be letting those with children leave early. Sitting there post failed fertility treatment, already slightly upset about Christmas I was so angry. Did my time with my husband mean less because we didn’t have children? Ironically it took one of my friends with children to point out how unfair and insensitive that was. I know it wasn’t done intentionally to hurt me or others like me, but the fact they didn’t think about that was infuriating.

Another really irritating example is the romantic movie industry. Hard nose business woman who puts her career first realised she should have married that high school boyfriend and had a family instead, because being a business woman is so horrible…. really? It’s a repeated message told over and over. Some people are happy to be single. Not everyone needs to find their prince or princess charming. Some people love their careers – what’s wrong with that?!

I could list a hundred examples of ways in which I was made to feel less than, less important, not in the “know” because I don’t have children, like there’s some secret language you get access to when you have a child.

Having a family is important to me, but it doesn’t define me. I know that’s funny because of the time I dedicate to writing about it but I feel like we need to point this out. I am able to function in society. I just feel like we should talk about plan b a little more.

We are 14 years into the whole trying for a family thing and as times gone on, so with it has grown a feeling of aimlessness. To find out where I fit in. While my friends and family around me are taking kids to nursery’s, school, children’s parties, events for children, we kind of sit on the sidelines not really fitting in. No one really talks about what next if it doesn’t work.

I get that this is such a personal journey so some people are more ok with it sooner than others. For me I never really have given up. I try. Then I will see a baby and I’m right back to yearning desperation.

I feel like certainly the last three years I have plodded along. Just waiting in case. I had renewed hope when I started to loose weight. Here I am 61lbs down and still no baby. I know we are heading for IVF weight but I have lost my focus. It feels like it’s not helped.

As anyone that reads my blogs regularly knows, I had a car accident that sent me into a spiral. I left my job and the industry I have worked in for the last 15 years. I needed a change. I needed a plan B and to find my way without the baby plan.

I’m tired of feeling aimless and less than. This change and starting my own business has given me new purpose. I don’t know if it’s going to work out. I know I have smashed my first months target that I projected for myself. But it’s early days. Maybe my business will be my baby. Who knows.

It’s important to think about what next if it doesn’t happen. I know how hard it is to think about it, but it’s time I did. I have to try to heal. I don’t think I will ever get to a point of giving up completely but having a new focus is helping. There are so many successful women out there killing it child free and happy.

I just want to not feel so upset when I think about our future. I want to enjoy the now instead.

0

The Last Stone Blogs: from zero to hero …. or not.

I have never been a fan of exercise. I don’t get the enjoyment that many do, the exception perhaps is jogging. I do not mind this so much.

So now imagine if you will the most sedentary person ever, desk job, drives everywhere, has a gym membership for no reason at all because she never goes. This is me. I had a desk job that I loved, I sold advertising space. I get such a buzz from the chase of a sale and closing that deal is awesome. Since loosing Gavin my cousin however it’s become almost impossible to find that passion. I have plodded to say the least. I needed a change.

It has taken a serious car accident for me to take a good look at my life. To see why I was feeling so desperately unhappy and sadly I concluded this job that I loved was perhaps it. For various reasons I won’t bore you with but I knew I had to change.

We made the decision for me to go into business myself. With the help of my husband who has worked in the blind industry for over 15 years, I have picked up a thing or two. I love interior design. I love to create beautiful spaces it seemed only natural to take my artist skills and put them into our business. To make money for us rather than a large company.

I have gone from a slow moving desk job to a physical manual labour role. As part of our business we fit blinds for commercial outlets. Which means I have to work on building sites regularly. I do this as a labourer. It’s a drastic but welcome change!!

These changes to our life mean we have to question the choice of continuing to try for children right now. Financially it would be crazy now we are down to one wage effectively until my business builds. My brain tells me that’s the sensible choice. My heart does not agree and I am struggling with letting that go right now.

The increase in activity and new routine means I am having a hard time sticking to plan. Finding the balance will be hard and so for the moment I am just looking to protect the loss I have so far. I need to look at nutrition and the best food to fuel my body to cope with the physical work I will now need to do as well as build strength. That will have an impact on my losses.

I will continue to weigh in of cause but I need to accept it might not show me what I want for a little while at least.

Starting a business is terrifying. I don’t know if it will work. I do know I will work harder than anymore to make it stand a good chance. It’s already off to an amazing start.

I just now need to figure out how to go from zero to hero for fitness. Wish me luck. 😂😂😂😂

0

What next?

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. There wasn’t a time limit on it, I didn’t think by this age I will be a mum. I just knew I wanted to get married and have a child. Old fashioned? Maybe. I wanted a career and to travel etc of cause, but it was like motherhood was written through me like a stick of rock. A background noise to future decisions.

I could imagine my life with my husband and children. A happy one. I visualised it so often that I convinced myself that it would happen. It was going to be tough, I didn’t understand why I was being tested like this, but it would happen. One day I would be sat holding my child grateful and all the pain and struggle would be worth it as I gaze down at my beautiful baby.

Sometimes these things do not go to plan. Now in my mid thirties I am left wondering when do I let go of the life I imagined and start to embrace a different one? As time passes the ache grows, but also it’s changing.

I have tried over the years to move on, I have done many wonderful things that we wouldn’t perhaps have been able to do if we had children, but every long term plan was hindered slightly by the hope….. if I am pregnant by that time what will we do.

In a way I feel like certainly the last 10 years have been lived around this “what if” some decisions perhaps put off, plans rearranged. I wonder how long I will continue to do this before I accept it isn’t happening and make a new plan.

The truth is that I just can not imagine a future without children, the more it becomes a reality it’s hard to let go of the life I have imagined since I was a little girl. It’s like letting that part of me die. I’m grieving.

Until recently I have plodded along almost zombie like. You work pay bills and do a few holidays and all the while hoping that this time next year I would have our child. I would finally feel complete and not like a puzzle with a missing piece.

I don’t believe a woman’s worth is just in having children of cause, I see lots of wonderful, beautiful strong women in this world getting along fantastically and childfree by choice. Happy. I want to be one of them but something in me just can not let go.

I used to wonder was it just that growing up the world around me told me thats what I should be doing. Was that the reason I even wanted to have children? The older I am the more I know this isn’t true. Somewhere deep inside me there is just an ache, a desperate need to nurture and raise a child.

The independent woman in me gets angry that I feel so directionless now that I haven’t fulfilled that dream. I want to scream and slap myself. I have so much to be grateful for why can’t I just let this one thing go and move on??

How do I even do that. MOVE ON.

0

A Moment For My Husband.

I am an open book.

I share myself because it helps me and I have friends and family all over the world online that support us. My blog started as a diary to help me through the infertility journey, I didn’t expect to reach so many with it.

Some people don’t understand the enthusiasm to share, they are perhaps very private people. I respect that. I am not that person, it didn’t help me to keep it to myself.

I have always been a heart on my sleeve type person. I trust probably too easily even though I have been burnt by that, by people who would choose to use your vulnerability against you. I still won’t change. It started because I just wanted the painful thoughts to go through me and out into the world. I continue because people sharing our pain gain comfort in my words and knowing they aren’t alone. I’m proud of that. I am protective of our community.

My husband supports me no matter what, though he is someone that shares very little. His circle is small and if you are in it you are lucky. He’s incredibly kind hearted, funny, supportive and just my best friend. I know that’s a sappy over used phrase, but it’s the truth. We have been together over 15 years and he still makes my stomach flip.

Those of you on this journey will know it’s hard on your relationship. My husband wasn’t someone who wanted kids desperately, he was happy if it was us two or if we make it to a three (maybe four) well he would be happy too. So I haven’t ever felt pressured massively. I have felt guilt, of cause, because he won’t have a child because I can’t give him that and believe me when I say he would make an amazing father.

Both of us were raised by awesome women, our dads left us young. You would think that would scare him off being a father himself but it doesn’t. The close relationship with his mother moulded him into the wonderful man he is today. He would be a great dad, our kids would be so lucky. He’s kinda cool. Don’t tell him I said that lol.

The focus when couples go through this is often on the woman, perhaps because on the whole we will share how it is effecting us a little more. I found as I have written before, when I miscarried our babies everyone rallied around me I was bearing the physical pain as well as the mental but he felt it too. Maybe even worse because he could only watch helplessly. Comforting someone you love that much, falling apart in front of you is a horrible position to be in. It’s hard to know how to help. People often don’t know what to say to him, maybe they worry he won’t want to talk, maybe they would be right. He will often say “I’m fine!” When I know he’s not.

I always know how lucky I am. I remind myself everyday. We are a team. Together we can face anything. We have had some trying moments, particularly over the last two years. All of that came crashing around me the last month. I feel like he has literally picked me up and put me on his back to keep us going. I can’t ever thank him enough for that. I haven’t felt able to face to world, it feels like he’s protecting me from it, even though the big changes we are experiencing are terrifying. He probably would just like to give me a shake. He hasn’t he has just been there for me.

Infertility can take so much from you. It’s so important to acknowledge and appreciate the good things. Just be thankful for what you do have. Today I wanted show that to him, to just take a moment to say we are a team and I couldn’t be more proud of what we have. Life’s very short, I would feel sad if when I look back at this time all I could think about was the struggle and pain. There has to be more. It might not be the life we imagined but it’s ours and It’s still wonderful. ❤️❤️

0

Why do I Feel Lonely?

Anyone can feel totally alone when they are surrounded by people that love them. It’s a weird place to be, that you can’t find the words to reach those people to say you are struggling.

As you all know, I have no problem finding the words and my blog and you lovely readers have helped me more than I could ever say. But even I have my moments of loneliness.

One of the difficult things to navigate around when you are gradually getting older and still childless is where you fit in. Life doesn’t really have an acceptable box for the childless over a certain age. It’s easier for some people if you follow the guidelines expected or if you can’t, that you keep it to yourself and pretend to fit the idea of normal. That’s something I was never going to be “Normal” … urgh … I hate that word!!

As more and more of our friends get their bundles of joy. We celebrate with them and then watch on with a certain amount of jealousy as their lives are filled with their children and as they grow their children’s activities, they are amerced into school social calendars and PTA events and activities and I just can’t relate to any of that.

It leaves me sometimes feeling like I am on a island alone.

Now don’t get me wrong, even if our miracle happens and we get to do all of that stuff, I would be the furthest from a PTA mum. Think more Bad Moms. Our kid would be riding to school on the back of a Harley and probably frightening other kids with discussions on how we have talked about surviving a zombie apocalypse. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s just going to happen nothing we can do about that!! But at least I would get it.

It feels lonely at times sitting in a room of mums discussing Easter holiday plans, days out and what they need to get ready for the kids entertainment etc. It’s lonely because you have nothing to say at these times, or at least that’s how I feel. What am I going to say?

“We bought Jackson a huge Easter egg. He just loved it, we have booked them on a Easter egg hunt too!” 😕😕

Jackson’s one of our dogs …. he would love an Easter egg/ hunt even though it would prob make him sick. He’s a nutter like that 🤷🏻‍♀️😂.

Kids parties are another example. Friends get together to celebrate with other friends that have kids so they can have a play date. They don’t often invite the childless couple, because they aren’t sure if you would be upsetting or even if they would want to go. It’s another walking on egg shell moment.

I remember once being sat at my best friends house for some kind of product party and I was the only childless person there. The conversation understandably was kid, kids and more kids and then the expected “how many do you have?” (as I didn’t know many people there) followed by the awkward ….. I can’t have kids moment.

I had nothing to say or what I did was polite nonsense. I remember feeling like I was watching the rest of them from a different room, so separate. So you avoid these moments where you can. It’s just easier for everyone.

I know that I have to try, to find common ground but it doesn’t change the feeling of being alone.

It doesn’t mean I am not supported or that we aren’t supported. At this point I think my best friend and our families actually want us to have a child as much as we do probably more in my Besties case 😂😂🙈🙈.

Learning to adjust to the idea of a life without children is hard, learning to not separate myself is something I work hard on all the time.

If someone is struggling in your life, perhaps cancelling events and changing plans. Give them time. Try not to be angry with them. I can be sure they aren’t doing it to be horrible. They are most likely just trying to find a way through this horrible maze of feelings. To try to survive it the best way they can.

It’s an on going struggle, we are constantly working at being able to fit in when we don’t fit the norm. I never, ever imagined a life where I wouldn’t have kids. I don’t know how that looks even though I am living it. It feels sometimes like I’m treading water just to keep my head up.

Accepting a new sort of future takes time. I still haven’t lost hope. So that’s got to be something to cling to. Hope.

One day soon it’s just got to get better, right??

❤️❤️

4

Feeling The Loss of Our Babies…

For those who know me in the real world. They don’t see a lot of the pain I feel. I’m sure reading these blogs offers a shocking insight into how I’m really feeling when they may have seen me that day smiling and getting on with things.

Behind the smile of a lot of couples dealing with infertility is pain carried silently. There are tears shed in private and never shared with the world around them because it can’t often be articulated. The words just sometimes won’t come out.

The last few weeks I have been struggling. I’m having some health issues which are side effects from the PCOS meaning I am in a great deal of pain at the moment and I’m exhausted. So because I’m so tired I feel terribly low.

My whole family is also struggling with a loss. I mention my cousin a lot here, he was my little bro really. We miss him so much. Loosing him and our babies are the only time I really can say I understand “heartbreak” as in my heart feels like it’s actually painfully broken. We lost him in early January 2016 so the Christmas period was just awful and now it’s a reminder of that as hard as we try to “Get on with it”

I’m sure this is why I am struggling with our babies too. Normally I am quite good at packing those feelings away in a box and leaving them there. I don’t dwell. If I did I wouldn’t never get out of bed. But right now any moment that I’m quiet or alone, my brain is taking those memories out and parading them around. Not just the memories of the experience of actually loosing them but the “what ifs” that often are a side effect of this time of year.

Unlived lives of our little ones plague my dreams and make it impossible to get back to sleep. The excited moments leading to the arrival of the big man, the joy and overwhelming love watching your children revel in all the wonderful moments of the season. I can imagine those things. I can almost see our life with our children. Instead I’m just ….. empty. The ache from wanting to hold my babies is sometimes overwhelming.

I long for a time when it won’t hurt so much. I’m terrified that it won’t get any better and worse we will never have that child. I don’t think even if we do it will ease the last 13 years. How could it?

So laid here in the dark, I am sharing this with all of you out there who may also be laid in the dark shedding tears you won’t shed in the light of day. Tomorrow I will get up and dress for work. I will take pain killers for the physical pain and I will push down the emotional scars. Like so many others out there.

If you are reading this as someone trying to understand a friend or family member in our position. Just take a look around you at your children. Hug them extra tight. It’s simple really to empathise with us, just understand we feel the love for our unborn babies or the babies we long to have in the same way. We have imagined our lives so often with our children. Our arms are simply empty. All you have to do is be there to hold their hand. No advice needed. They may not tell you about these moments that they are alone and crying but they will be happening. Be careful with your words.

Some of the things said to couples that they have shared with me are thoughtless and even cruel. Try to remember they haven’t asked for this. It’s not as easy as “moving on” they certainly are not being “selfish” if they aren’t able to face baby focussed events that often people ask them to attend for other people. Often assuming we should be the ones to brave these things so they don’t upset family members. They use their brave faces a lot, try to understand and support them when they can’t do it. It’s not selfishness it’s them trying to survive what they are going through.

If you are a couple going through infertility and are often found alone and weeping as I am now. Know you aren’t alone. I can’t promise that we will all get our miracles, but I can promise you that for as long as I can I will share our story to help others understand. To speak for those of us who can’t find the words.

I hope that one day we find peace with it all. That I find a way to never for get my babies but that it won’t be so painful. Is that so much to ask?

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