The Childless Mother

Dealing with infertility and finding happiness



The DUFF, weight loss for ivf and PCOS

Loosing weight for me is so desperately frustrating. I have all these reasons I should be doing it. Mainly because we want IVF but everything just seems like it’s gone to pot since my car accident in March.

I have always felt like the DUFF in my circle of friend. I don’t say that for cry’s of “no your not!!” It’s just the facts. I have carried a lot of insecurities over the years for the way I look and I spend a lot of time judging what is wrong with my appearance. I can honestly say I have never felt beautiful, no matter how many times my mum or husband tell me I am. They have to right?

What pisses me off is that I am a strong woman. I have faced some of the worst human experiences and am still standing. I have put a brave face on and worked through loosing my pregnancies and continued to try. I have dealt with the knowledge that I would probably never be a mother even though it’s a dream I have had from being a child.

I carried on the day before Gavin my cousin died after spending a night with him, the same night he was told he was going to die. My hearts never been so broken watching him struggle with that information. I loved him so much and cancer ripped him from us. I continued to breath after he actually died even though it hurt to even do that. My grief screams silently everyday. Mostly no one would know. I continue on.

I have it in me to fight. So why do I find it so hard to fight for myself? For my self esteem. Why do we look for the faults? It’s so easy to do that. I know I need to continue with the weight loss but equally I know that I need to find acceptance no matter my size. Find a way to feel like I look good, to ooze confidence. I am beginning to realise no amount of weight loss will do that for me. I have to do that for myself from the inside.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so they say. So I might not have a skinny arse, tiny waist but does that mean I am less than? Why does that make us feel so bad that we don’t always make that standard of beauty around us.

I have been struggling to keep motivated since the accident. I have since changed my job I’m doing more physical work now which means my appetite is insane so it’s been easy to eat off plan.

Things are finally settling down into a routine after a couple of months setting my company up. It’s going so well, actually smashing my targets but I’m worried I’m taking my eye off the weight loss plan.

I want to do it. I need to do it. I’m getting angry at myself for giving in to bad food choices and justifying them because I’m doing so much physical activity. I run much longer ….. my joggers are still as tight. Argghhhg!!!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

I need to get a grip!!

Tomorrow is a new day ….. oh my goodness wish me luck. AGAIN πŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆ.

Be Strong, Be Brave, Keep Going…….until you can’t.

So it’s been a little while since I have posted anywhere. You guys have been a big part of my support network for so long that I feel I need to post this.

I talk about how strong we are, how like warriors we are to take the hits and keep on going and I truly believe this, but recently I also believe there is a time to admit that you are drowning. To admit that you can’t be strong anymore.

Regular readers and followers to my blog and pages will know it’s been a rough couple of years. Starting with my cousin being diagnosed with Leukaemia and his battle for a year that saw it sadly return and take him from us. Within that time I lost a pregnancy, I thought I grieved picked myself back up and carried on.

When Gavin passed away wrapped in all our families love, I thought my heart would never stop hurting. It hasn’t yet time just moves on that’s all. I worked in a high pressure sales environment and while they were brilliant I felt the pressure to get back so in all I took four days to grieve. Four days off to wallow in the loss of someone I loved like a little brother. I kept going and kept strong.

The cracks started to show quickly looking back, my brain didn’t handle situations too well.

Since loosing our baby and then Gavin, seems like there has been layer upon layer of stress and problems. Then my husband had a motorbike accident. He’s self employed too so there was financial worry at that time.

I reminded myself how strong we were, to keep going.

The cracks turning to complete breakdown were there I just didn’t acknowledge them. I am strong I can keep going. I kept saying, “I’m fine thanks!”

It’s only when we are forced to stand still, to reflect the seams really started to fall apart. I was involved in a bad car accident two months ago. Again in my head I thought I was fine, physically the injuries seemed superficial at the moments after but quickly became clear I was more injured than I thought, because I didn’t break anything I thought I was fine, I was not.

The pain grew quickly, my whole body was agony, I was black and blue and I started a very slow recovery. Within a few days of reflection I started to realise something wasn’t right. My brain was stuttering almost, I would loose conversations mid way and drift off. I relived the moments of impact and the aftermath over and over. I spent a lot of time in tears, not just a little but massive sobbing fits.

Sleeping is a problem. Leading to hours of staring at my iPad frustrated and tired but not able to sleep. The bad dreams have been vivid. Not just about the crash but everything, the last moments with my cousin, the last time we talked, of him holding my baby telling me he’s taking care of them. It feels like my brain just hasn’t shut off. It’s like the crash has cracked open the box I shut all my stress and grief in. I’m drowning in it.

Just as there is a taboo about infertility so there is with mental health still even with all of the amazing work being done. The stiff upper lip and carry on attitude or worse those who think you should just give your head a shake and get on with it. There are also those who will take advantage of that, for no other reason than to be unkind and enjoy the drama of it. Equally there are those who get it and will show you so much love and compassion.

Admitting that I’m not ok wasn’t easy. I haven’t ever suffered with depression or anxiety but right now it takes so much strength to get out of the house and driving is a massive problem. I hate it.

There are physical effects of it. I feel ill.

I believe we are warriors. But putting that big smile on and big personality and facing the world month after month, failed cycle after failed cycle, other pregnancies around you, drowning in the pain of not being a mother, of feeling aimless now that the future you envisioned is gone. I also believe it shows strength to admit you are not “Fine” that you need help.

There’s only so long that the pressure cooker will cook for before it explodes. It’s ok to admit you are not feeling like a warrior sometimes, because that takes strength too. It’s ok to ask for help. To take some time to process the events that have unsettled your life.

I’m working on getting better physically as well as mentally now. Talking about how bad I am feeling has helped. If you feel like that too please find someone to confide in. Don’t do what I have done. You can’t be strong for everyone else all of the time. Take care of yourself, but most of all be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can. No one can ask more of you. ❀️❀️

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