The Childless Mother

Dealing with infertility and finding happiness


fertility and healthy eating

It’s just another day…. but still 

I try not to hang on to dates that cause me pain. Having been through as many losses as we have I could effectively spend all year near a date I lost a baby or a due date or a bad hospital appointment. 

I make an effort to forget and I feel guilt for this. 

It doesn’t mean I loved my babies any less. Just that I could allow myself to be swallowed by the grief and never be able to move on or I can choose to let out my tears at the time, feel the losses at the time then pack them into a memory box and put those thoughts to the back of my head.

I have chosen the latter. Mainly. I refuse to let infertility take from me more than it already has!! I get mad, sometimes my anger is all I have had to give me the strength to just get out of bed. 

To look at me no one would know, I hide it well. No one knows the times I have hidden in the toilets at work while a colleague came in with their new baby, or have seen the many sleepless nights from the discomfort of a procedure or general side effects from the PCOS or the times I have sat in the bathroom with a pregnancy test saying “NOT PREGNANT” silent tears falling into my lap. No one knows these things because I choose to dry my tears, reapply my make up and smile and I act like I am totally fine. 

It’s harder sometimes, and for some reason the baby I lost in 2015 seems to be the worst, I think because we weren’t trying it was a total surprise. I know the due date of this baby, and I know s/he would be almost one by now. The more it approaches the more that I wonder how to let it go. 

When we grieve a baby, some I am sure would say that it wasn’t ever here so perhaps the grief isn’t as real as loosing an actual person. I want those people to know, that’s not true. When you are trying for children or find out you’re pregnant. You instantly start to form hopes and dreams for your child.  

You imagine the birth, the nursery, how your husband and family will love the baby, who they will grow to be, first days of school and so on. I have imagined every moment of my life with our child, how s/he would look, even how they would laugh! To have hope and then have that hope ripped from your body. It leaves an emptiness that no words can explain. 

The ache is unbearable. Your heart feels like it’s smashed to pieces. I didn’t really comprehend “heartache” until I lost our babies. It’s a real physical pain and while time helps you process it, for me the pain has never really gone. 

I read something recently following the story line in Coronation Street ( a soap in the UK) one of the characters lost their baby mid way through their pregnancy I think around 23 weeks and received no birth certificate. She said “Who will know that he ever existed once I am gone” 

I cried uncontrollably while alone again in my house. This is it, this is why it hurts so much. No one will ever know about our babies, or how hard we tried. We will simply be a childless couple. 

I think that’s why I find writing so therapeutic. It’s proof of what we have been through and helps me to process. I may not make a big deal out of those important dates, it’s how I can survive, but I will never ever forget how much I wanted them. They were so loved and very much wanted. That’s all that matters to me. 

So no it’s not the date that matters, but the fact they exsisted for however brief the moment was. They exsisted and they were ours. 


The Bump Infestation.

One the most difficult things for me to deal with while we were in the thick of trying for a baby  was the bumps – BABY BUMPS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!!

Before we were trying to get pregnant I never saw them often, after we started and especially when I knew it wasn’t happening bumps everywhere…..even the men!

One day I sat in the vets waiting for my fur babies appointment and in waddles a heavily pregnant dog, with owners proud proclamation that she has large litters……..

“REALLY?? how lovely” I reply….. and under my breathe ….”No one likes a show off Fido!” I may have stuck my tongue out in my head!! At least I think it was in my head =/. I have never had a very good brain to mouth filter!

Now the sensible adult me knows that it isn’t that there are more, simply that it appears to be that way because I am sensitive to it. Didn’t matter it felt like bumps were the new fashion statement.

That being said there is something about a mum cradling her big belly that you do just have to smile, admittedly for me it was sometimes followed by tears!

I sat in a waiting room once waiting for a scan, they had lost my notes so I watched a number of couples and singles come and go. One young girl sat alone and she was waiting as long as I was.

I was having problems following a miscarriage and watching those pregnant bellies was an ice pick to my heart. I sat silent tears falling onto my lap. My husband was away at the time and I was there alone, which I have over the years come to prefer. I can lose my shit if I need to without feeling bad.

Silent tears I have perfected. When I have sobbed out every bit of energy and there is nothing left in my tank, tears can still find away down my cheek quietly “plink, plink, plinking” onto the fabric of my trousers. Just wishing it was all over and I was back home not having to look at another blooming bump.

The young girl came to sit with me and held my hand, she offered me a tissue. We didn’t speak, she didn’t ask me why I was crying. She just held my hand. Some time passed and she had a few tears herself, I truly believe women are a wonderful breed, the empathy we can feel for someone else even if we don’t understand it is amazing.

I was called soon after this, I gave her a watery smile and nodded at her and went inside for my appointment. She was gone by the time I got out. I never found my voice to thank her. That one act of kindness that day made it a little easier.

I never really felt the same about bumps after this. Sure I felt jealousy at times, but it occurred to me that I don’t know what is going on behind the bump. When I started to imagine all the wonderful stories that might be told in the making of the bumps they became less hurtful. Who knows if they had struggled to conceive, maybe even lost a child. Perhaps it was unplanned and the bump terrified them as much as it upset me.

Seeing the real women behind the bumps made me feel a bit better. If its one thing we do well its support. Friends, family and in this case a stranger consoling a broken women who was devastated at losing her child. I think we are pretty wonderful, don’t you agree?






PCOS and weight loss guilt. 

As the last chimes of Big Ben were heard around the country, the stampede has started to the many gym’s and supermarkets to stock up on “healthy foods” and fitness plans, the question is this year will I be one of them?

Well …… we are four days in and it’s not looking good guys!

Every year, all through the year I say to myself …… “Come on woman get a grip” and I pull my jogging pants on and take my sizable arse to the gym! Here’s the thing – I actually like to eat fresh vegetables, fruits and lean meats. Whole foods are my friend, I eat the vegetable and fruit rainbow! I actually like to run, which believe me as a chunky monkey is no easy feat. So why, you ask am I still curve-a-licious?? Well for one I love takeaway food…. especially a good kebab and it’s like my own crack addiction, they call to me while I try to be good and after resisting for a while, I can often be found hiding behind my sofa eating a kebab crying while pouring more garlic sauce onto my chips!

The second reason is something I have zero control over, I have PCOS. So when my will power is like steel and I am at the gym and try really hard, I step onto those scales gutted that I have maintained or even put on. I am so frustrated after a few weeks of determination followed by disappointment that, you guessed it, I am back behind my sofa, crying and cramming a kebab and chips in my mouth between the sobs.

It’s not the right way to handle it but it’s mine, food has been my comfort blanket as well as a pleasure to me for so long it’s hard to let it go.

This year my lovely husband got me a Fit-bit, not as a “you’re fat, get fit” sort of present, I did in fact ask for it. So basically now have an annoying little friend that buzzes me and tells me to move more – she’s rather bossy! Added incentive this year is that we are going on holiday in April! SO the motivation is there and long may it continue! NYC wont know what has hit it!! lol.

I don’t make excuses for my size, I got here from bad food choices and lack of movement. I did this before I knew anything about PCOS and while it seems crazy as the information is so readily available now, at the time I had very limited information and I never dreamed just how much damage I was doing by eating. I wish more than anything that I could go back and have that conversation with myself but I don’t have a DeLorean!

All these years I have day dreamed that if I was just a little thinner, just a little prettier, a little taller, have working ovaries….. I would be happier. The truth I am becoming to realise is that I will never be happy and confident until I find a way to believe it on the inside.

The voice telling me that I will never be thin or beautiful, never be good enough to have kids, never be healthy enough that it’s all my fault! Until I find a way to shut that voice up I don’t think I will ever be happy with then no matter what I do I will never feel like I am there.

There is so much negativity out there on body image, for all shapes and sizes. So many people willing to judge someone’s lifestyle because of how they look. I used to find this upsetting, like I had to tell people that I had PCOS to explain why it was so hard for me to lose weight. The likely hood is those spewing harsh words and judgement are probably struggling with their own issues and I feel sorry for them.

Be proud of who you are, yes I am not perfect but I am working on my goals at a pace that is right for me. Equally those who work for their figures and health don’t deserve the negativity thrown at them for being successful at it – they work constantly HARD for it. Sadly, the simple fact is that no matter what you look like there will always be someone that is willing to be judgemental – you can not change what these people say or think, you only have control over your own thoughts, words and actions.

I am over weight and it does affect my fertility, I have spent years resentful at how hard it is with PCOS to lose the weight, but part of it I think is that my weight offers me protection. If I lose the rest of the weight and I still don’t get our baby – then what? What hope will there be left? If hope is gone how do I face the fact it’s truly over. I know this is nuts but it’s how I feel. Damn that inner voice!

So another New Year has started and I am sure that I am not alone kick starting my healthy habits. I have climbed back on that diet horse more times than I would like to admit, but I will always keep trying! Rather than saying my resolution is to lose weight, I am going work on shutting that voice up to believe that I can do it I just have to give it time……and I am most definitely going to try and cut down on the garlic sauce fueled melt downs…..yeah I am really going to try to stop those bad boys from happening…..

Good luck to any of my PCOS sisters out there and to anyone else trying to get healthy! XOXO

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