fertility and healthy eating

Life’s little curve balls

On this very long road to parenthood we have experienced many ups and downs. Life’s throws things at you and you have to decide on many occasions if you are sinking or swimming.

There are many moments that I have wanted to simply shut myself from the world and sink. Allow the darkness to take me. Sounds dramatic, and those who know me would likely agree I am a dramatic person. For this fertility journey I would disagree. No one has seen the many hours of waiting for ovulation tests, followed by weeks of waiting only to have your dreams repeatedly crushed with another negative test.

Sat on the bath side, test on the sink, not touching it like that would effect the outcome if you accidentally knock it the wrong way! Watching the flashing timer or the line creeping up the window of the test, waiting……. hoping …….. then NEGATIVE!!

To start with I would console myself with, well it’s early days, keep trying. As the years passed those moments got harder and harder and would often result in a total meltdown on the bathroom floor.

When those tests were positive, in those beautiful rare occasions. My excitement was short lived replaced with fear and then the inevitable loss.

Some may ask why we continue to put ourself through this. Anyone that would ask this has clearly never felt the desperate urge to have a child you just can’t seem to keep.

I feel like we are batting back curve balls all the time and one of the biggest battles for me is my weight. Repeatedly doctors would say loosing weight is what needs to happen to progress now, apparently there is no help left for chunky monkeys!

Having PCOS those who know, will understand just how hard it is to shift this weight, leading to anger, resentment and eventually desperation as the weight clings on.

At the end of May I decided to give it one more go, we had decided that we would pay for the treatment needed, but even privately I needed to loose some weight.

I stepped into my first Slimming world class after the bank holiday weekend at the end of May. Not really sure if I could do it after so many failed attempts before. I went home, worked out what I would eat for the week and thought I will give it 12 weeks. If it doesn’t work then I will go back to the docs!

Week one I lost 11lbs! We had weigh in six last night and I have now lost 22lbs! I have no idea what is different now but I will keep going as long as it will let me.

So the treatment looks closer now. Sadly my husband was in a motorbike accident a couple of weeks ago, broken his shoulder and he’s a self employed blind fitter. Out of the window goes the paying privately for treatment! We could have a melt down and think we just aren’t meant to be parents!

No!

We won’t.

What I am now aiming for is to get below that BMI that seemed impossible to get to not so long ago! We have a new challenge, we have had so many over our relationship. We are a team. I know we will make it through this curve ball just like we always have.

Life can’t be planned out. Things change. Some of those life plans can be hard to let go of. But if we spend time hanging on too hard to the dream that we just can’t achieve that’s out of our hands, we will miss the wonderful things happening around us now – This minute.

I hope more than anything that we manage to get our family. One day. Until then, war paint on and keep fighting.

I might be a drama queen 👸🏼 but I am also a frickin warrior too!! I bare the battle scars of a childless mothers heart break. Only those who walk this road with me truly knows how that feels. We are pretty awesome 👏🏻❤️❤️

July 12, 2017 2

The Demon Voice Tormenting a Fat Girl

I have gone many years as a chunky monkey, I think the very truth of the matter is that I have always felt like “that girl” the plain frumpy one, the DUFF, I was always the ugly one out of my friends. I hate that word ugly but for the purposes of this blog and honesty that’s how I felt.

I didn’t refer to myself as this because I wanted people to say “No you aren’t you are beautiful” It was the real true of the voice in my head, no one would want me…. I mean, look at me!

I think that feeling started to take root from a young age so that it became part of who I am and my making reference to my weight or appearance first was a defence. I was always the friend, never the girlfriend. Then I met my husband young after a small number of unsuccessful relationships, he saw me in a way I still to this day don’t really understand. I felt like he might have broken vision or something that he didn’t see what the rest of the world did. Until him my mother was the only one that told me I was beautiful, and she has too say that right?

What makes me feel sad when I think back to those pre Ben years is I felt like being less that a beauty queen meant I was less than, I felt worthless and unloved in general. I have a strong relationship with my mother but I always felt like the least loved in everyone else’s eyes. That lonely little girl, with a front of humour and being tough cookie and it breaks my heart and she has steered so much of my life.

There is a lot of focus on body positive image now, some camps are big is beautiful, some are big is unhealthy and should loose weight. I am of the opinion that people should mind their business, beautiful is more than a dress size or a gym routine. Beauty is most definitely in the eye of the beholder. I wish I had known that growing up.

I have tried so many times to loose the weight, it has of cause been made difficult by the PCOS not impossible but hard. I have had perfect eating weeks with exercise on at least 5 days an still put on weight.

This time we are trying to loose the weight for treatment, not to fit into some clothes or for me to feel beautiful, I am loosing weight to have a baby. The beauty of it all now seems so stupid. I am entirely loved by my husband that’s all that matters to me.

Will I succeed this time? Who knows, I started Slimming World and I have lost 13.5lb in two weeks which is great but I know that can’t continue the bitch that is PCOS will see to that, I am just taking one meal at a time and trying to forgive and forget any slips as quickly as I can.

That little voice in my head that tells me that I can’t do it, that I am no good, that no one will love me its still there sometimes I am not going to lie, but I have found a way to lower the volume.

If I could pass on one bit of advice to just one person out there reading this is –

The outside world will always have opinions, on social media sadly some people seem to get off on writing hurtful things about people they don’t know, not to mention those “health” fanatics that feel its ok to post videos and comments to tell people to not be lazy put less in move more, these people have never been through what you have.

If people spent more time focusing on their own happiness the world would be a better place, this is their problem not yours. Beauty is not on the front of a magazine or walking on two long legs down a catwalk, beauty is in your heart. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than. We are all different, what a boring world it would be if we were not. See you for who you really are, beauty on the insides radiates out no matter what your body and face look like and the world will see you that way.

I hope this time my weight comes off, I hope I can get my body in shape to carry a baby I have been desperately trying for 12 years for. Its funny how this time the size 10 jeans from top shop that seemed so important seem kinda silly now. Especially as I am loosing weight to grow another beautiful big belly……. funny how things turn out.

June 14, 2017 0

The Childless Father on Fathers Day

Mother’s Day has been and gone and for the most part I survived this year unscathed. I thought of our babies, I wondered how my morning would have been different. As I always do, but I survived.

Father’s Day is approaching and normally it passes without celebration. Both my husband and I didn’t have dad’s growing up. Our mothers would get the cards and the thanks for being awesome enough to be both father and mother to us. This year I’m thinking about my husbands experience, what he’s missing because I can’t give him children.

I feel the men on this fertility journey can often be over looked. Not least because in my husbands case, he won’t talk or say anything more than he isn’t bothered either way, he would be happy just us. Recently he has started to feel that he would like a child . A boy specifically but that’s for another blog lol.

I don’t feel like he’s so wrapped up that this day will plague him like the alternative has me in the past 12 years, but my heart aches for the moment I would see him holding our child. So I know he must have thought of what the life would look like too.

He loves his motorbikes, specifically Harley’s. Would he take him (or her like it or not we don’t get to choose 🙄🙄) to rally’s and events. Would he spend endless hours kicking a football around with them, setting up dens in the living room, camp outs in the front garden, wrestling on my new sofa that I would no doubt scold them for doing.

We have a day to celebrate the fathers out there, and I feel like my husband, Ben should be celebrated too. He would be a wonderful father.

I wanted to take a moment to say I am thinking about those who may find Sunday hard. You aren’t alone. Try and let your other halfs know you need some love. There is no shame in asking for a hand to hold.

I hope that soon we are all able celebrate these days, I hope the world gets to see what an amazing father Ben would be.

❤❤

June 12, 2017 0

Motivated by a friend – PCOS Weight loss

tracey — Tracey Yale, my friend who motivated me to start my journey again.

I started to share my fertility story and it warmed my heart to receive so many messages of support and people going through the same thing. While I am moving through my grief and looking to the future The one thing that I have never really fully concurred is my weight. I don’t think I will ever be able to let go of the dream of having a family until I have at least tried this.

I feel my story is one so many could tell, in a way my weight has been my protector against all the pain I associate with getting pregnant. Especially after loosing our babies.

Well this week I am back at it and after my first weigh in showed I had lost 11lbs on the programme in one week! I am so excited to see what I can achieve. I am no fool – I know slow and steady wins the race. There will be hard weeks and there will be good weeks. I will share them all with you!

I also believe having success stories out there to give you motivation and see others with the same condition succeed is so important. I am luck that I have a friend Tracey Yale who is one such success story, she is a beautiful person inside and out! She has worked so hard to get to where she is now and so has motivated me to follow her, with her help.

I am going to share a few stories like this over the coming weeks so please if you have a story to share with my readers then get in touch!

Here’s Tracey’s Story:

I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 25 but pretty much knew for a few years prior that I had it as my younger sister had been diagnosed quite young and I had all the same symptoms. When I first got told about the potential fertility issues it shook me slightly but having just started dating my now husband it wasn’t relevant until the years ticked by and ‘that’ conversation came up. We decided we would deal with whatever came our way and if it wasn’t to be we’d just go on lots of holidays. We got married in October 2013 at my absolute heaviest wearing a size 24 wedding dress and not caring in the slightest.

I was marrying my best friend and was so so happy. I came off the pill almost immediately and the old niggle returned along with the lack of a period. I knew quite quickly that any initiation into fertility treatment would be met with ‘you need to lose weight’.

On 10th February 2014 I walked into my local Slimming World group with zero hope and no real motivation, the consultant was talking about how they went for a meal in summer and one near Christmas, I told myself there was no point listening to the details as I wouldn’t be attending by summer let alone Christmas. I’d tried and failed so many times to lose weight so why would it work this time?

Despite my head telling me I couldn’t do it, my heart told me different and I forced myself (yes actually forced myself, whinging for a full 2 weeks how I just wanted a take away or chippy tea) and after those initial 2 weeks noticed that I was actually doing pretty well, week on week I set myself a small, achievable target for the following Monday and made it my mission.

Before I knew it I was actually enjoying it, trying new food, being more active and losing weight. In May 2014 my periods returned, I was so overjoyed I told a restaurant full of people on my return back from the ladies room, by September 2014 I’d lost just over 6 stone and was feeling great.

The month came to a close and I’d been feeling tired, lethargic and my nipples felt like I’d got friction burn, so to try and stamp out the excitement that was rising I took a test to rule it out, I couldn’t allow myself to dream that far incase it came to nothing.

My test was positive!!

On 1st October 6st 4lb lighter I was pregnant. Suffice to say I wouldn’t believe it until a scan had proved it. The weeks ticked by and scan after scan kept confirming that my baby was growing well and healthy.

On 21st May 2015 my amazing dream baby boy Joey was born all 8lb of him. During my pregnancy I’d indulged in cake and ice lollies and put near enough all of my weight back on but now I had a new purpose so I returned back to Slimming World 2 weeks later and today have a very beautiful 2 year old and am 10 and a half stone lighter. I never dared to believe this would be possible or that I could achieve any of the above but it can happen.

June 7, 2017 0

Does My Infertility Make You Uncomfortable?

Over the last 12 years I have found myself repeatedly making excuses and comforting others because of how my infertility affects them.

It started after my first miscarriage when on my return to work I had to explain why my mother had called into to work for me apparently, it was unclear when my mother told them that I had lost a pregnancy and was not in any state to speak to anyone. They were confused as to why I hadn’t called in.

I witnessed the call it was clear enough to me, at that time I was curled up in my bed waiting for the pain to pass. Not particularly wanting to continue breathing much less speak to my manager.

As time went on and my friends started their own families around us, I always knew when someone was pregnant because I could feel the awkwardness in the conversation. There have been times when I have just out right asked, “Are you pregnant?”

I can honestly say, even though I did feel jealous, I was always happy for them. At first I would say “Oh don’t be silly, don’t feel bad telling me! I am fine!” Me comforting them through the experience of having to tell their defective friend they were getting their bundle of joy after only a couple of months of trying.

I never felt angry at first, I was genuinely happy for them. It was only as time moved on I started to feel a twinge of annoyance. Not at the fact they were pregnant, but at the fact I was the one that had to brush it off like it wasn’t a massive thing. To make them feel less uncomfortable with the conversation, like it was my fault.

I would hear that things being said about us like, “Well we can’t stop living our lives just because they can’t have a baby” and while this was true, we would never expect anyone to stop their lives for us. I felt like I wanted to scream out – YOU DO GET THAT WE HAVEN’T ASKED FOR THIS?? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED TO US, WE HAVE NO CONTROL?! NO ONE IS ASKING YOU TO STOP ANYTHING!

I know that it is an awkward thing to do, to tell someone that you care about you are getting the dream they are being tortured to try and achieve. If I could go back and talk to those friends now, having come out the other side of my grief. I would encourage them to talk to me as they would any other friend. The worst is having it dropped on you when you didn’t know they were trying.

I am not suggesting that anyone in my life should share their plans with me about starting a family, no. I am talking about those close friends that you normally share everything with. I feel that knowing that it’s likely to be happening lessens the blow, and in truth if I had known that I would have reacted badly to the news when it eventually came, it would have given me time to prepare.

It’s no one’s fault, but me feeling like I had to make excuses and act like it was all ok made it worse. Sometimes it isn’t OK and if your friend is a good one they will understand if you have a few tears with them, they will know that you are happy for them and that you will love their baby just as you love them. But that in that moment, just for a few minutes you might feel the need to feel a bit sad.

Everyone else in their life will no doubt be excited by the news, is it so terrible to let you react how you need to? To give you a hand to hold and be honest. Being pregnant is often a daunting and scary prospect and I wanted to be there for my friends. It was hard to do that when they were looking at you like you might have a breakdown, or even worse steal the baby!

We aren’t handed a “How to Guide”, we don’t know how to handle these situations any more than the rest of the world. I do know that I don’t feel the need to make those excuses anymore, I am not over whelmed with making sure that other people don’t feel uncomfortable because of our infertility, like it was a choice we have make.

One of the reasons I talk so openly on the subject, is that I want it to be less awkward for people. There is so much taboo surrounding fertility and miscarriage and loss. People don’t know what to say but I believe that’s largely because we don’t talk about it so how could they know?

So, if you have a close friend like me that you share your world with, please be honest with them. Let them in on the journey and if you can, let them know it’s OK to feel sad. Let them deal with the information in their own time, if there is anger don’t take it personally. Give them time to be happy for you.

April 18, 2017 0

I Am Sorry We Can’t Have Children. A letter to my husband.

Today is our anniversary, 8 wonderful years married and 14 years together. I am proud of those years, not because it’s a long time because there are marriages and relationships into 50, 60 years. But I am proud because we are as happy now as we were then, the years have flown it feels like only a few months. I feel like that’s an achievement, we work hard at our marriage.

Our life would be perfect, except for one cloud.

I can’t give you children.

This is the only black cloud in an otherwise blue sky. I wanted to say how sorry I am about that. You are always so wonderful about it, if it is just us two you are happy with that. But it makes me so sad to think you might never be a father.

Our own fathers left us, we share that too. We were raised by amazing women. You were taught to love and respect the women in your life and would do anything for us, I am sure of this. Just as I would do anything for you and I wish that I could do this one thing.

I know you would make an amazing dad, I am not sure you believe this. It is true. You only have to look at the children around you and how they adore spending time with you ……. and your motorbikes.

I often imagine what it would be like to watch you with our children, playing football, nurf gun fights, camp outs in the back garden, sleepy Sundays, sneaky rides out on your motorbikes without mummy knowing. I am certain s/he would be a daddy’s boy/girl. I would act like it wasn’t ok but I would love it really. My little family.

I know you worry about how it would change us, but I think we would be fine. Tired? sure. Grouchy?….. probably. But happy? I am certain of this because we make a good team. The one thing that all this time has given us is a clear idea of how we would raise our kids making sure we are on the same page. And oh, how they would be loved by both of us.

I am so sorry that I am the reason you might not get to experience fatherhood. I wish I could change what we have been through. I wish that I could change what I have and we could have had a normal progression from two to three. I can’t.

I am sorry you have had to go through losing our babies helplessly, uncertain of what to do to make it better while dealing with your own sadness. You did great, all I ever needed was your arms to hold me, to make me stronger.

If all we ever are, is two plus fur babies, I want you to know that’s ok. Because what we have is everything. I am grateful for that. I am happy to travel the world with you, have lazy mornings and late nights. Dance parties in our car to old school rap and hip-hop, acting like we are cool and failing miserably. To just stand still a while and appreciate what we do have, each other.

Happy Anniversary, can’t wait to see what the years ahead of us bring.

April 18, 2017 6

A little relax and luxury….for my sanity.

I spend so much time in my own head and when you are dealing with infertility and loss, that time can be punishing.

I have never been very good at relaxing, at switching off the outside world and having a little me time. If ever I did, those bad memories and feelings surfaced and it would send me on a downward spiral.

What they don’t tell you when you are trying for children, when it doesn’t go to plan, no one ever sits you down and says how incredibility hard it will be to remain sane.

A wall started to build around me the first time I was told I had lost my baby, a barrier to keep the feelings from really going in. Then when it happened again, the barrier was reinforced to a point that sadly I began to expect it and nothing reached me, like I was looking from the outside in. After many losses I as almost immune to the pain.

The baby I lost in 2015 smashed through any protection I had and finally I lost it, after 12 years of trying for children after all the heartbreak and shattered dreams. My heart felt like it could take no more. I was broken. The ache of my empty arms almost unbearable. How would I ever recover from this, the end. No more. I had, had enough.

The loss that you feel in the days and months following loosing a baby, it isn’t just the loss of the tiny embryo growing, its all of the possibilities that little bean holds. The life you would have had with them. When I finally accepted that it was just not meant to be the hole in my heart, at first, felt like it would consume me. People often talk of heartbreak, of having a broken heart. I never realised just how physical that pain could be.

To move forward I had to look for ways to keep myself going, goals and life achievements. I made changes to my job and how I spent my time. I found ways to relax and start to enjoy life again. I did not want to look at the last 12 years as a waste, more of it shaping me to be a stronger person!

I would encourage anyone in that dark place to find something that makes them feel even a little bit of happiness. For me I focused on the things I could do, that I could enjoy without having a child.

My friend took me on my first spa day, I am going to be honest, up until that point I didn’t think I would enjoy it. Too much time to be still and in my head with those hurtful memories, not a good thing! How wrong I was, it really helped me to relax and start to heal.

Learning to relax was now a focus for me and taking a couple of spa days wasn’t the worst thing in the world! We are so lucky in the North East to have so many lovely places and I am even luckier that I live 30 mins away from one of the best I have ever experienced.

Rockliffe Hall is just outstanding!

It is everything you would expect from a 5 star hotel and more and I was so impressed I wanted to mention it here on my blog. It isn’t often we can take time out, time is so precious. So when I do take time out to relax I want it to be the best possible time and after Saturday I left feeling amazing, and like I wanted to do it all again Sunday!! lol

Having PCOS I don’t like being touched so having facials and massages is very uncomfortable for me because I am constantly thinking of my wobbly bits and hair growth but I truly felt at ease. The staff are so friendly and really added to the experience of the day.

I had for the first time the hot stone massage, I will never go back to the usual massages! The ambience of the therapy rooms just oozes relaxation from the colours selected to the lighting and smells all contribute to a truly pleasant experience. I was so at ease with my therapist and surroundings I didn’t even think about my issues and almost fell asleep, probably would have if it wasn’t for the cold stones used in between the hot ones!!

There is no better feeling enjoying the relaxing atmosphere around you and not needing to go somewhere or to do something. Just quiet time …..wellllll almost quiet, I was with my best friend and niece so as quiet as we can be! I left in a Spa coma and a conviction that I would return very soon.

I forgot for a while to take care of myself, I was so focused on the end result I didn’t think about how much of me was sacrificed to get there. You still have to find a way to unwind and enjoy life, even through the roughest moments. Be kinder to yourself. I punished myself for a long time feeling like I was faulty, that I couldn’t do the one thing that women should find the most natural. To conceive and carry a child.

I am not completely healed, will I ever be after so much loss? I don’t know. I do know I will keep trying to be at peace with it, if that takes a lot of spa days at Rockliffe Hall, then who am I to argue?? Maybe I will see you there!!

March 1, 2017 0

The PCOS DIET

I started to worry about my weight like a lot of people after seeing a photo of myself.

I had moved away from home, traveled for a while and then settled with the love of my life. We were content and happy …. we still are….. but what happens, as does with so many people in this situation. We ate our contentment and before I knew it I was the left photo.

The longer it was taking to get pregnant the more I ate my feelings and it became like my protection. My comfort blanket.

I have alway been chubby, I was always the chubby plain kid at school. But the silly thing is when I look back I wasn’t that over weight. In my head I saw a massive girl, miserable desperate to be loved.

I shared today a stat on my Facebook page to see how you guys reacted to it. It gave me so much comfort to see I’m so not alone, though it saddened me to see so many others in this struggle.

Loosing 5% of your body weight can increase your chances of conceiving!

I’m going to get real and very honest with you guys. This stat has been my enemy. These words hurt me more than anything we have been through. Why?

Because this makes it my fault.

Not PCOS.

NOT my womb and bad quality eggs.

My inability to loose weight. MY FAULT.

The truth is that some of these elements are out of my control. Even in truth the weight loss because, for all I have bad habits like all of us, I challenge anyone out there with an eating addiction to be solid steel enough to be perfect 100% of the time to lose the weight. It’s discouraging to be so clean and to lose nothing or worse to put on. That’s what PCOS has done to me.

To look at me and a lot of women in my position, the judgement part of the brain would think, she must over eat and be lazy. No one sees the struggle we have every single day to lose just one pound. I don’t say this to make excuses. It can be done it’s just very hard work, but here’s the honest part ………. I HATE THAT I HAVE TO AND I AM SO RESENTFUL OF IT!!!!

I see over weight pregnant ladies all the time, beautiful with their equally beautiful bumps! Why do I have to be the one to be thin to get what I do desperarely want?!? It enrages me!

What if I lose the weight, get to that mythical perfect weight and still do not conceive a healthy child? What then? What little hope that remains will be gone and I hate that I think like that!

The one thing that gets us through is hope, hope of what the future will hope. The image of my husband holding our child. If all hope is lost, I really do have to say goodbye to that dream.

I’m not ready for that just yet ….. someone pass me a bloody celery stick!!!

Xoxo

February 19, 2017 0

Two week wait, symptom madness!!!

There is a wonderful world of possibilities that opens up when we first start trying for children. The exciting and mildly terrifying visions of what the future will bring are amazing. We start with such hope and optimism, we dare to dream of what the child will be like, start discussing things like names and what characteristics s/he may have. Pray that they get the best of both of you.

You start conversations about the future with “If we have a baby by then ….”

My husband and I were ready to extend our little love bubble. I imagined how he would be with the baby, how he would teach s/he all about Newcastle football and motorbikes. How he would pass on to them what it means to be a good person. All the things he learned from his own mother.

I am confident of very little in this world, but that we would be good parents was something I was convinced. I held onto this dream for 12 years.
I built our family in my dream …….But still I had my doubts even from the very early days.

In the early stages, I had always had a little voice that told me that I would struggle to have kids. From a young age I had read somewhere that 1 in 3 women would struggle with infertility and it stuck with me. My two friends already had kids …… that left me. It was such a simple and largely silly thought but it stuck with me.

As the weeks turned to months and then into years. As Mother Nature gifted my body with our beans then cruelly snatched them away from us, my hope faded and the “crazies” set in.

The “crazies” are what I call how my brain reacted during the two week wait. During my darkest moments I truly believe that my brain wasn’t working properly. I was so very desperate to get a positive pregnancy test I watched symptoms every moment of the day looking for something that indicated I might be pregnant or worse frequent bathroom trips to check to see if my period had arrived killing my hope for another month.

I would troll the internet on the popular baby sites looking for anything that matched what I was feeling and even worse when I was late ….. thanks PCOS! I had spent so much energy on symptom watching, that I am convinced that I would go to the little girls room a lot just to say I was peeing more frequently. I was too scared to take a pregnancy test, they had become my enemy. Even now I avoid that aisle at the supermarket!!

I googled “most common early pregnancy symptoms” over and over. Some of them I did have because PCOS is a cruel bitch, others I convinced myself I had. I spent untold amounts of time working out due dates “if it was this month”. Still most months it ended the same, with me crying in a bathroom either a negative pregnancy test in my hand or my period had arrived.

The total disappointment in that moment is hard to describe. It’s crippling. What follows just adds salt to the wound, terrible pain, sickness and sometimes I would even pass out! This cruel twist on an already crappy situation, it effects every day life. My social plans are ruled by my cycle calendar. Worst of all, every month I am reminded of how I am failing at being a woman.

The fact is if I had successfully conceived it would be very obvious in time. Mother Nature makes sure the body tells you when she bestows a beautiful bean with you. The fact is that symptoms are all the same as pre period symptoms for someone with PCOS and other fertility problems is a brutal joke. So we must wait to know the truth and your sanity can be tested while we do.

We wait…….Waiting for cycles to start tracking, waiting for monthlys to arrive, waiting for appointments, waiting for results, waiting to be seen, waiting for symptoms to show, waiting to start treatments, waiting to get the treamtment in the first place, waiting for the right cycle days …..waiting for your heart to heal, waiting for our arms to not feel so empty.

We WAIT
AND

WAIT

AND WAIT!!!

I wish I had a magic wand to stop anyone from going through this pain. Sadly I think it’s something we must endure to get our dream. For most of you it will result in a beautiful baby all the more precious because you had to fight for them. For others, such as myself, I feel like every month has been a chink in my armour, a tigress gaining her stripes. A fucking warrior to still be standing after it all!!

I don’t know what the future holds for me, I do know that I have finally found a way to move past the “crazies”. Will I ever have a month where I don’t secretly hope? Who knows. But I do know I can get through anything now and I no longer need to track everything. I’m leaving the rest to fate, for now!

Until next time, I wish you lots of baby dust xxxx

February 12, 2017 0

The Childless Mother

Dealing with infertility and finding happiness

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