It’s been a little while since I shared. I think it’s a good thing for me as I finally am at the other side.
Am I still hurting, yes! I pray for a day when it doesn’t, though I feel it is unlikely. That’s the cross we have to bare, the hand we have been dealt. Whatever other cheesy lines you can say. But the moments where I feel like I can’t breath, those gut wrenching moments of hopelessness are getting less and less.
I have some great kids in my life, I don’t get to see all of them as much as we would like but they give me so much joy. I’m happy to have them in my life.
I did have a rather strange moment this last week and I wondered if I am alone in it?
My mum and dad split when I was young and my mum had some photos and my dad had others. I really hadn’t seen so many of me as a baby.
So when I asked for some from my dad recently, he kindly sent them. I absolutely love them but I experienced a twinge of sadness.
At first I thought, is this because I know what’s to come for that gorgeous little girl ( conceited I know but come on, look at me 😂😂) to know that that smile, over the years to come would be jaded, did I feel I wanted to protect her from what was to come? But that’s not it, because even if I had to relive my life I would choose the exact same path. I would take no chances that it would change who I married. I’d go through any pain to make sure I still met my husband.
No, what I believe it is, it’s quite simple really. I wondered, looking into that chubby little face, that beaming smile, “is this what our daughter would have looked like?”
Is she the face of what we couldn’t have. Imagine joining that cuteness with my husband adorable face. What would they look like?
I love these photos, I love looking at where I have come from. I don’t regret asking for them at all because they are so cute. it was a completely random moment but really isn’t that what this journey has been about?
Random moments strung together with hope.
I know we all wonder what our children will look like. But I wonder do you look at your own baby photos and think “I’m looking what could have been?”
It made me a little sad, but that’s ok. I’m ok. Really more than I’ve ever been.
I will continue to share because I know so few of us can find the “what if it doesn’t happen” stories among the thousands of successes. I hope that you all end up with a success story, but for those who don’t. It’s been a long road for us, but there is light to be found. You just have to look around you.
Stay strong. As always I walk with you. You aren’t alone ❤️❤️
The Childless Mother 