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The Childless Mother

Dealing with infertility and finding happiness

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children

How did a baby picture make me feel so much?

It’s been a little while since I shared. I think it’s a good thing for me as I finally am at the other side.

Am I still hurting, yes! I pray for a day when it doesn’t, though I feel it is unlikely. That’s the cross we have to bare, the hand we have been dealt. Whatever other cheesy lines you can say. But the moments where I feel like I can’t breath, those gut wrenching moments of hopelessness are getting less and less.

I have some great kids in my life, I don’t get to see all of them as much as we would like but they give me so much joy. I’m happy to have them in my life.

I did have a rather strange moment this last week and I wondered if I am alone in it?

My mum and dad split when I was young and my mum had some photos and my dad had others. I really hadn’t seen so many of me as a baby.

So when I asked for some from my dad recently, he kindly sent them. I absolutely love them but I experienced a twinge of sadness.

At first I thought, is this because I know what’s to come for that gorgeous little girl ( conceited I know but come on, look at me 😂😂) to know that that smile, over the years to come would be jaded, did I feel I wanted to protect her from what was to come? But that’s not it, because even if I had to relive my life I would choose the exact same path. I would take no chances that it would change who I married. I’d go through any pain to make sure I still met my husband.

No, what I believe it is, it’s quite simple really. I wondered, looking into that chubby little face, that beaming smile, “is this what our daughter would have looked like?”

Is she the face of what we couldn’t have. Imagine joining that cuteness with my husband adorable face. What would they look like?

I love these photos, I love looking at where I have come from. I don’t regret asking for them at all because they are so cute. it was a completely random moment but really isn’t that what this journey has been about?

Random moments strung together with hope.

I know we all wonder what our children will look like. But I wonder do you look at your own baby photos and think “I’m looking what could have been?”

It made me a little sad, but that’s ok. I’m ok. Really more than I’ve ever been.

I will continue to share because I know so few of us can find the “what if it doesn’t happen” stories among the thousands of successes. I hope that you all end up with a success story, but for those who don’t. It’s been a long road for us, but there is light to be found. You just have to look around you.

Stay strong. As always I walk with you. You aren’t alone ❤️❤️

It’s over. I’m throwing in the towel.

As you all know since 2004-5 my husband and I have been trying for children. It was a huge focus when we got married in 2009, we have continued to try until this year.

How do you find out there’s a problem then continue to live normally and not loose the plot? Honestly, I don’t know that I did. I’ve been hugely effected by the journey so far. Adding to the fact that I lost my cousin who was more like my little bro four years ago to cancer. The cracks in my heart are pretty bad. I’m not the same person I was.

I was the optimist. I always had a good angle to put on any situation. That’s slowly drained from me. I’m not that optimistic anymore. That’s definitely one thing that’s changed, I’m trying to get that back.

I’ve been in a pretty low place. A lot of my time has been spent pretending I’m ok when really I just wanted to stay home in bed. I’m sure it’s a familiar feeling for many of you struggling with mental health issues and infertility. I don’t believe I’m depressed because my moods reflecting the things we have been through. I’m processing.

This last year in particular has been a time to reflect on what next. I keep saying it but my heart has been wallowing in the same self pitying stew and it’s not as easy as “just snap out of it” ” be thank you you don’t have kids, you want mine!” “It’s gods plan” ” all in good time” etc etc.

The facts are I desperately wanted a family of my own from a very young age, to carry a child that’s a little of me and a little of the man I love and for us to feel complete. I’m lucky that my husband has always been ok if we didn’t have children.

So now plan B.

It’s been a long process of trying to accept the hand we have and to find out what life now looks like after so many years of working up to having kids.

I know there are parents out there thinking – are you nuts?? Enjoy your freedom and sleep! To them I say- imagine your kids aren’t in your life, how would you really feel ….. well once you got a couple of lay ins!! Lol. I’m sure most wouldn’t part with them. Other parents pour empathy for us, I get so many messages saying they wish more than anything they could change our outcome. I appreciate those words so much.

This blog page was born out of raging pain that I just needed to be let out. I know it’s helped people, I’m so proud of that! I appreciate the support more than you can ever know.

I’m going to continue to blog about our life as a childless couple. So content may change slightly but I will still reflect on those days when I’m feeling the hurt. I just feel for me to move forward I need to start to look at the positives in my life, I do have so many.

I hope you guys can still support us. Continue to interact with the pages. Coming up we have a trip to Las Vegas and NEW YORK which we will share with you.

I want to try to show being childless not by choice in a positive light with still brutal honesty for anyone that pisses me off 🤷🏻‍♀️😂.

It takes strength to pull yourself up everyday from the depths of this journey. I just hope some light hearted pieces mixed in with the very real shitty bits and hope that it won’t always be this gut wrenching pain. Hopefully you get your Miracle, I hope that so much for all of you, but if not that we can show you that although that pain doesn’t go (or hasn’t so far) there is a life and a happy one to be found.

Here’s to plan B 🥂 and more adventures for Sharron and Ben ❤️❤️

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