The longer I have gone without successfully getting the children I so desperately want, the more familiar I am with the pain that goes with that longing.
It’s not that I ever have gotten over it, more like I just have found a way to deal with it. Having the pain just becomes part of who I am. There are however still moments. Today was one of them.
As you may remember I changed my job last year I am working with my husband now and part of the services we offer is to hospitals. We install cubicle tracks etc.
Today we did a large job, at the maternity ward. YAY.
It was a tough job so most of my attention was on what we were doing, but the longer I was there seeing the pregnant bellies come in for their scans, hearing the heart beats from the scanning room. Oh my. My heart just ached.
Being in the rooms , the little baby cribs set up for their next patient. Hearing some of those little ones crying.
At one point I was pretty obsessed with maternity and baby programmes. I would watch them enviously wishing that one day I would be going through this, excitedly cradling my big belly, probably terrified of what was to come but equally excited to meet my baby. Today as I was wheeling one of the little cribs out of our way I suddenly thought;
“I’m never going to experience this”
That thought was like a kick to my stomach. And the ache that’s been dormant for at least a little while is back.
I was looking at the thank you cards pinned proudly to the wall, wondering what I would have done. If we had managed it, I would probably be sending most of the thank you cards online.
Such simple things that anyone that’s not struggled to have children perhaps would never understand.
I have to go back tomorrow. And I will do it because we often have to do things that hurt us. Seems like we have to just accept that as part of a childfree life. A pain I don’t think will ever go.
Just wonderful. Sigh.