I am an open book.
I share myself because it helps me and I have friends and family all over the world online that support us. My blog started as a diary to help me through the infertility journey, I didn’t expect to reach so many with it.
Some people don’t understand the enthusiasm to share, they are perhaps very private people. I respect that. I am not that person, it didn’t help me to keep it to myself.
I have always been a heart on my sleeve type person. I trust probably too easily even though I have been burnt by that, by people who would choose to use your vulnerability against you. I still won’t change. It started because I just wanted the painful thoughts to go through me and out into the world. I continue because people sharing our pain gain comfort in my words and knowing they aren’t alone. I’m proud of that. I am protective of our community.
My husband supports me no matter what, though he is someone that shares very little. His circle is small and if you are in it you are lucky. He’s incredibly kind hearted, funny, supportive and just my best friend. I know that’s a sappy over used phrase, but it’s the truth. We have been together over 15 years and he still makes my stomach flip.
Those of you on this journey will know it’s hard on your relationship. My husband wasn’t someone who wanted kids desperately, he was happy if it was us two or if we make it to a three (maybe four) well he would be happy too. So I haven’t ever felt pressured massively. I have felt guilt, of cause, because he won’t have a child because I can’t give him that and believe me when I say he would make an amazing father.
Both of us were raised by awesome women, our dads left us young. You would think that would scare him off being a father himself but it doesn’t. The close relationship with his mother moulded him into the wonderful man he is today. He would be a great dad, our kids would be so lucky. He’s kinda cool. Don’t tell him I said that lol.
The focus when couples go through this is often on the woman, perhaps because on the whole we will share how it is effecting us a little more. I found as I have written before, when I miscarried our babies everyone rallied around me I was bearing the physical pain as well as the mental but he felt it too. Maybe even worse because he could only watch helplessly. Comforting someone you love that much, falling apart in front of you is a horrible position to be in. It’s hard to know how to help. People often don’t know what to say to him, maybe they worry he won’t want to talk, maybe they would be right. He will often say “I’m fine!” When I know he’s not.
I always know how lucky I am. I remind myself everyday. We are a team. Together we can face anything. We have had some trying moments, particularly over the last two years. All of that came crashing around me the last month. I feel like he has literally picked me up and put me on his back to keep us going. I can’t ever thank him enough for that. I haven’t felt able to face to world, it feels like he’s protecting me from it, even though the big changes we are experiencing are terrifying. He probably would just like to give me a shake. He hasn’t he has just been there for me.
Infertility can take so much from you. It’s so important to acknowledge and appreciate the good things. Just be thankful for what you do have. Today I wanted show that to him, to just take a moment to say we are a team and I couldn’t be more proud of what we have. Life’s very short, I would feel sad if when I look back at this time all I could think about was the struggle and pain. There has to be more. It might not be the life we imagined but it’s ours and It’s still wonderful. ❤️❤️