So it’s been a little while since I have posted anywhere. You guys have been a big part of my support network for so long that I feel I need to post this.
I talk about how strong we are, how like warriors we are to take the hits and keep on going and I truly believe this, but recently I also believe there is a time to admit that you are drowning. To admit that you can’t be strong anymore.
Regular readers and followers to my blog and pages will know it’s been a rough couple of years. Starting with my cousin being diagnosed with Leukaemia and his battle for a year that saw it sadly return and take him from us. Within that time I lost a pregnancy, I thought I grieved picked myself back up and carried on.
When Gavin passed away wrapped in all our families love, I thought my heart would never stop hurting. It hasn’t yet time just moves on that’s all. I worked in a high pressure sales environment and while they were brilliant I felt the pressure to get back so in all I took four days to grieve. Four days off to wallow in the loss of someone I loved like a little brother. I kept going and kept strong.
The cracks started to show quickly looking back, my brain didn’t handle situations too well.
Since loosing our baby and then Gavin, seems like there has been layer upon layer of stress and problems. Then my husband had a motorbike accident. He’s self employed too so there was financial worry at that time.
I reminded myself how strong we were, to keep going.
The cracks turning to complete breakdown were there I just didn’t acknowledge them. I am strong I can keep going. I kept saying, “I’m fine thanks!”
It’s only when we are forced to stand still, to reflect the seams really started to fall apart. I was involved in a bad car accident two months ago. Again in my head I thought I was fine, physically the injuries seemed superficial at the moments after but quickly became clear I was more injured than I thought, because I didn’t break anything I thought I was fine, I was not.
The pain grew quickly, my whole body was agony, I was black and blue and I started a very slow recovery. Within a few days of reflection I started to realise something wasn’t right. My brain was stuttering almost, I would loose conversations mid way and drift off. I relived the moments of impact and the aftermath over and over. I spent a lot of time in tears, not just a little but massive sobbing fits.
Sleeping is a problem. Leading to hours of staring at my iPad frustrated and tired but not able to sleep. The bad dreams have been vivid. Not just about the crash but everything, the last moments with my cousin, the last time we talked, of him holding my baby telling me he’s taking care of them. It feels like my brain just hasn’t shut off. It’s like the crash has cracked open the box I shut all my stress and grief in. I’m drowning in it.
Just as there is a taboo about infertility so there is with mental health still even with all of the amazing work being done. The stiff upper lip and carry on attitude or worse those who think you should just give your head a shake and get on with it. There are also those who will take advantage of that, for no other reason than to be unkind and enjoy the drama of it. Equally there are those who get it and will show you so much love and compassion.
Admitting that I’m not ok wasn’t easy. I haven’t ever suffered with depression or anxiety but right now it takes so much strength to get out of the house and driving is a massive problem. I hate it.
There are physical effects of it. I feel ill.
I believe we are warriors. But putting that big smile on and big personality and facing the world month after month, failed cycle after failed cycle, other pregnancies around you, drowning in the pain of not being a mother, of feeling aimless now that the future you envisioned is gone. I also believe it shows strength to admit you are not “Fine” that you need help.
There’s only so long that the pressure cooker will cook for before it explodes. It’s ok to admit you are not feeling like a warrior sometimes, because that takes strength too. It’s ok to ask for help. To take some time to process the events that have unsettled your life.
I’m working on getting better physically as well as mentally now. Talking about how bad I am feeling has helped. If you feel like that too please find someone to confide in. Don’t do what I have done. You can’t be strong for everyone else all of the time. Take care of yourself, but most of all be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can. No one can ask more of you. ❤️❤️