When we first started trying for children, it never occurred to me that I would be nearly forty and childfree.

As time ticked on I started to dread the turning of each year and the anxiety it brought so in all honesty, I run away from it. I pretend it isn’t happening and well, we take a vacation.

Tomorrow I am 37. I can’t believe that I am. My brain still tells me I am 16 and I am not adult enough to be dealing with this shit. But it’s true. There’s a twinge of sadness with each passing year that we seem to be further away from our dream of having a child. So you know what.

FUCK IT!!

I’m not spending another year pining for what I can’t have I am going to enjoy what I do!!

I have finally gotten the motivation to loose some weight. 2stone 9 lbs gone and another 3 stone to go! But it’s coming off!

I still have an awesome marriage and he really is my best friend. Even if sometimes we want to murder each other. ….. that’s normal right?

I have a fab mother who’s always there for me even when I’m a grumpy pants.

The best friends.

Beautiful nieces and nephew. One brand new niece just born today ❤️❤️

Is my heartbroken? Sure! It always will be I think, but tomorrow for my birthday. I am taking the day off!! ( well not literally I am too busy at work 🙈🙈😂😂) but mentally!

I am going to celebrate the wonderful life we do have, start to plan our next holiday and generally be thankful for the fact I get another birthday when others aren’t so lucky.

So often we are wrapped up in the negatives of this journey. We batter ourself for what we can’t do. For what we feel is failure. When in fact we should be taking a frickin bow!! We are warriors. We earned our stripes not from the pregnant bellies we would give anything to have, but the slashes through our hearts.

We take disappointment and loss month after month and keep going. Even when we are at our lowest, we find a way to paint on a smile and continue because what other choice do we have?

Tomorrow I turn 37. I am still childless. I can’t change that, I can’t control it. So I’m not going to feel bad about it anymore! Here’s to a fun day 😃😃🎉

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