On this very long road to parenthood we have experienced many ups and downs. Life’s throws things at you and you have to decide on many occasions if you are sinking or swimming.
There are many moments that I have wanted to simply shut myself from the world and sink. Allow the darkness to take me. Sounds dramatic, and those who know me would likely agree I am a dramatic person. For this fertility journey I would disagree. No one has seen the many hours of waiting for ovulation tests, followed by weeks of waiting only to have your dreams repeatedly crushed with another negative test.
Sat on the bath side, test on the sink, not touching it like that would effect the outcome if you accidentally knock it the wrong way! Watching the flashing timer or the line creeping up the window of the test, waiting……. hoping …….. then NEGATIVE!!
To start with I would console myself with, well it’s early days, keep trying. As the years passed those moments got harder and harder and would often result in a total meltdown on the bathroom floor.
When those tests were positive, in those beautiful rare occasions. My excitement was short lived replaced with fear and then the inevitable loss.
Some may ask why we continue to put ourself through this. Anyone that would ask this has clearly never felt the desperate urge to have a child you just can’t seem to keep.
I feel like we are batting back curve balls all the time and one of the biggest battles for me is my weight. Repeatedly doctors would say loosing weight is what needs to happen to progress now, apparently there is no help left for chunky monkeys!
Having PCOS those who know, will understand just how hard it is to shift this weight, leading to anger, resentment and eventually desperation as the weight clings on.
At the end of May I decided to give it one more go, we had decided that we would pay for the treatment needed, but even privately I needed to loose some weight.
I stepped into my first Slimming world class after the bank holiday weekend at the end of May. Not really sure if I could do it after so many failed attempts before. I went home, worked out what I would eat for the week and thought I will give it 12 weeks. If it doesn’t work then I will go back to the docs!
Week one I lost 11lbs! We had weigh in six last night and I have now lost 22lbs! I have no idea what is different now but I will keep going as long as it will let me.
So the treatment looks closer now. Sadly my husband was in a motorbike accident a couple of weeks ago, broken his shoulder and he’s a self employed blind fitter. Out of the window goes the paying privately for treatment! We could have a melt down and think we just aren’t meant to be parents!
What I am now aiming for is to get below that BMI that seemed impossible to get to not so long ago! We have a new challenge, we have had so many over our relationship. We are a team. I know we will make it through this curve ball just like we always have.
Life can’t be planned out. Things change. Some of those life plans can be hard to let go of. But if we spend time hanging on too hard to the dream that we just can’t achieve that’s out of our hands, we will miss the wonderful things happening around us now – This minute.
I hope more than anything that we manage to get our family. One day. Until then, war paint on and keep fighting.
I might be a drama queen 👸🏼 but I am also a frickin warrior too!! I bare the battle scars of a childless mothers heart break. Only those who walk this road with me truly knows how that feels. We are pretty awesome 👏🏻❤️❤️