There is a wonderful world of possibilities that opens up when we first start trying for children. The exciting and mildly terrifying visions of what the future will bring are amazing. We start with such hope and optimism, we dare to dream of what the child will be like, start discussing things like names and what characteristics s/he may have. Pray that they get the best of both of you.
You start conversations about the future with “If we have a baby by then ….”
My husband and I were ready to extend our little love bubble. I imagined how he would be with the baby, how he would teach s/he all about Newcastle football and motorbikes. How he would pass on to them what it means to be a good person. All the things he learned from his own mother.
I am confident of very little in this world, but that we would be good parents was something I was convinced. I held onto this dream for 12 years.
I built our family in my dream …….But still I had my doubts even from the very early days.
In the early stages, I had always had a little voice that told me that I would struggle to have kids. From a young age I had read somewhere that 1 in 3 women would struggle with infertility and it stuck with me. My two friends already had kids …… that left me. It was such a simple and largely silly thought but it stuck with me.
As the weeks turned to months and then into years. As Mother Nature gifted my body with our beans then cruelly snatched them away from us, my hope faded and the “crazies” set in.
The “crazies” are what I call how my brain reacted during the two week wait. During my darkest moments I truly believe that my brain wasn’t working properly. I was so very desperate to get a positive pregnancy test I watched symptoms every moment of the day looking for something that indicated I might be pregnant or worse frequent bathroom trips to check to see if my period had arrived killing my hope for another month.
I would troll the internet on the popular baby sites looking for anything that matched what I was feeling and even worse when I was late ….. thanks PCOS! I had spent so much energy on symptom watching, that I am convinced that I would go to the little girls room a lot just to say I was peeing more frequently. I was too scared to take a pregnancy test, they had become my enemy. Even now I avoid that aisle at the supermarket!!
I googled “most common early pregnancy symptoms” over and over. Some of them I did have because PCOS is a cruel bitch, others I convinced myself I had. I spent untold amounts of time working out due dates “if it was this month”. Still most months it ended the same, with me crying in a bathroom either a negative pregnancy test in my hand or my period had arrived.
The total disappointment in that moment is hard to describe. It’s crippling. What follows just adds salt to the wound, terrible pain, sickness and sometimes I would even pass out! This cruel twist on an already crappy situation, it effects every day life. My social plans are ruled by my cycle calendar. Worst of all, every month I am reminded of how I am failing at being a woman.
The fact is if I had successfully conceived it would be very obvious in time. Mother Nature makes sure the body tells you when she bestows a beautiful bean with you. The fact is that symptoms are all the same as pre period symptoms for someone with PCOS and other fertility problems is a brutal joke. So we must wait to know the truth and your sanity can be tested while we do.
We wait…….Waiting for cycles to start tracking, waiting for monthlys to arrive, waiting for appointments, waiting for results, waiting to be seen, waiting for symptoms to show, waiting to start treatments, waiting to get the treamtment in the first place, waiting for the right cycle days …..waiting for your heart to heal, waiting for our arms to not feel so empty.
I wish I had a magic wand to stop anyone from going through this pain. Sadly I think it’s something we must endure to get our dream. For most of you it will result in a beautiful baby all the more precious because you had to fight for them. For others, such as myself, I feel like every month has been a chink in my armour, a tigress gaining her stripes. A fucking warrior to still be standing after it all!!
I don’t know what the future holds for me, I do know that I have finally found a way to move past the “crazies”. Will I ever have a month where I don’t secretly hope? Who knows. But I do know I can get through anything now and I no longer need to track everything. I’m leaving the rest to fate, for now!
Until next time, I wish you lots of baby dust xxxx