I dream a lot and vividly. My subconscious screams at me sometimes and it can have a massive impact on the day ahead.
The brain can be cruel. It shows images of my deepest desires and then rips them away when I wake. Sometimes the echos haunt me for the rest of that day.
I have dreamt so many times about our babies. Some good dreams, some bad.
I have dreamt that I have been tied to a table while someone is ripping our baby from inside me, screaming and crying trying to curl myself into the smallest ball to try to keep our baby safe.
I have dreamt that I was nursing our baby and go to change the nappy on our bed and I loose the baby in the bedding. Searching frantically for her tangled in the sheets.
I have dreamt of having a baby growing outside of me, so tiny that I was using a dropper to feed her tiny little mouth.
And like last night. I dreamt that someone had put our baby into the boot of my car, in a car seat but I was frantically trying to find a safe place to pull over to put her safely in the back seat. Normally this dream I would pull over go to the boot and she would be gone. This time she was still there so tiny in this big car seat, so perfect. I felt like I stared at her for hours. Perfect little face, little fingers. Wrapped in a white baby grow with little pink flowers on it. Yes it really was that detailed.
Then I woke up.
And for a split second my confused brain wonders if there is a baby in the room. Just for a very brief moment. Then I know that no babies live here. The weight of this feels like lead in my stomach and the ache is back.
I have moved to a point where I am happy. I am not as desperate as I once was but I wonder when these dreams will stop taunting me. My heart has spent so many years yearning for a child that perhaps she’s not ready to give up just yet.
Or maybe it is our little girl reminding me she’s still waiting to be born.
Dreams can hurt more than reality sometimes. It really is a desperate wish.
Either that or I am finally loosing my mind 😩😩😩!!