I dream a lot and vividly. My subconscious screams at me sometimes and it can have a massive impact on the day ahead.
The brain can be cruel. It shows images of my deepest desires and then rips them away when I wake. Sometimes the echos haunt me for the rest of that day.
I have dreamt so many times about our babies. Some good dreams, some bad.
I have dreamt that I have been tied to a table while someone is ripping our baby from inside me, screaming and crying trying to curl myself into the smallest ball to try to keep our baby safe.
I have dreamt that I was nursing our baby and go to change the nappy on our bed and I loose the baby in the bedding. Searching frantically for her tangled in the sheets.
I have dreamt of having a baby growing outside of me, so tiny that I was using a dropper to feed her tiny little mouth.
And like last night. I dreamt that someone had put our baby into the boot of my car, in a car seat but I was frantically trying to find a safe place to pull over to put her safely in the back seat. Normally this dream I would pull over go to the boot and she would be gone. This time she was still there so tiny in this big car seat, so perfect. I felt like I stared at her for hours. Perfect little face, little fingers. Wrapped in a white baby grow with little pink flowers on it. Yes it really was that detailed.
Then I woke up.
And for a split second my confused brain wonders if there is a baby in the room. Just for a very brief moment. Then I know that no babies live here. The weight of this feels like lead in my stomach and the ache is back.
I have moved to a point where I am happy. I am not as desperate as I once was but I wonder when these dreams will stop taunting me. My heart has spent so many years yearning for a child that perhaps she’s not ready to give up just yet.
Or maybe it is our little girl reminding me she’s still waiting to be born.
Dreams can hurt more than reality sometimes. It really is a desperate wish.
Either that or I am finally loosing my mind 😩😩😩!!
January 15, 2017 at 6:59 pm
I’ve been having pregnancy dreams since I was a teenager that are always completely wacky. During our only round of IVF that actually turned into a pregnancy ( then miscarried at 9 weeks), my husband had a dream during the two-week wait that we had a baby that look like Mr. Potato Head. 🙂
Having been doing infertility treatments for so long I don’t actually dream about being pregnant anymore. Now I just go back to my normal dreams of my house falling apart – last night it was waking up screaming as I thought the floorboards had split and we were going to sink into the basement. I’d just love a night where I can sleep without dreaming… 🙂
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January 15, 2017 at 7:52 pm
My husband gave me a Fitbit for Xmas. It’s depressing watching how bad my sleep is lol. 12 years of trying for me and it still doesn’t stop. Not as often but still as vivid. Maybe one day ……
I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It’s never easy but I think those from fertility treatment, having endured the 2ww are especially cruel. Xx
January 30, 2017 at 4:52 am
I was thinking the fact you were able to finally see her in your last dream may mean shes not too far off from being conceived. Atleast that’s my prayer for you anyway
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January 30, 2017 at 8:48 pm
Aww thank you. That’s a lovely thought. I hope so xx