As the last chimes of Big Ben were heard around the country, the stampede has started to the many gym’s and supermarkets to stock up on “healthy foods” and fitness plans, the question is this year will I be one of them?
Well …… we are four days in and it’s not looking good guys!
Every year, all through the year I say to myself …… “Come on woman get a grip” and I pull my jogging pants on and take my sizable arse to the gym! Here’s the thing – I actually like to eat fresh vegetables, fruits and lean meats. Whole foods are my friend, I eat the vegetable and fruit rainbow! I actually like to run, which believe me as a chunky monkey is no easy feat. So why, you ask am I still curve-a-licious?? Well for one I love takeaway food…. especially a good kebab and it’s like my own crack addiction, they call to me while I try to be good and after resisting for a while, I can often be found hiding behind my sofa eating a kebab crying while pouring more garlic sauce onto my chips!
The second reason is something I have zero control over, I have PCOS. So when my will power is like steel and I am at the gym and try really hard, I step onto those scales gutted that I have maintained or even put on. I am so frustrated after a few weeks of determination followed by disappointment that, you guessed it, I am back behind my sofa, crying and cramming a kebab and chips in my mouth between the sobs.
It’s not the right way to handle it but it’s mine, food has been my comfort blanket as well as a pleasure to me for so long it’s hard to let it go.
This year my lovely husband got me a Fit-bit, not as a “you’re fat, get fit” sort of present, I did in fact ask for it. So basically now have an annoying little friend that buzzes me and tells me to move more – she’s rather bossy! Added incentive this year is that we are going on holiday in April! SO the motivation is there and long may it continue! NYC wont know what has hit it!! lol.
I don’t make excuses for my size, I got here from bad food choices and lack of movement. I did this before I knew anything about PCOS and while it seems crazy as the information is so readily available now, at the time I had very limited information and I never dreamed just how much damage I was doing by eating. I wish more than anything that I could go back and have that conversation with myself but I don’t have a DeLorean!
All these years I have day dreamed that if I was just a little thinner, just a little prettier, a little taller, have working ovaries….. I would be happier. The truth I am becoming to realise is that I will never be happy and confident until I find a way to believe it on the inside.
The voice telling me that I will never be thin or beautiful, never be good enough to have kids, never be healthy enough that it’s all my fault! Until I find a way to shut that voice up I don’t think I will ever be happy with then no matter what I do I will never feel like I am there.
There is so much negativity out there on body image, for all shapes and sizes. So many people willing to judge someone’s lifestyle because of how they look. I used to find this upsetting, like I had to tell people that I had PCOS to explain why it was so hard for me to lose weight. The likely hood is those spewing harsh words and judgement are probably struggling with their own issues and I feel sorry for them.
Be proud of who you are, yes I am not perfect but I am working on my goals at a pace that is right for me. Equally those who work for their figures and health don’t deserve the negativity thrown at them for being successful at it – they work constantly HARD for it. Sadly, the simple fact is that no matter what you look like there will always be someone that is willing to be judgemental – you can not change what these people say or think, you only have control over your own thoughts, words and actions.
I am over weight and it does affect my fertility, I have spent years resentful at how hard it is with PCOS to lose the weight, but part of it I think is that my weight offers me protection. If I lose the rest of the weight and I still don’t get our baby – then what? What hope will there be left? If hope is gone how do I face the fact it’s truly over. I know this is nuts but it’s how I feel. Damn that inner voice!
So another New Year has started and I am sure that I am not alone kick starting my healthy habits. I have climbed back on that diet horse more times than I would like to admit, but I will always keep trying! Rather than saying my resolution is to lose weight, I am going work on shutting that voice up to believe that I can do it I just have to give it time……and I am most definitely going to try and cut down on the garlic sauce fueled melt downs…..yeah I am really going to try to stop those bad boys from happening…..
Good luck to any of my PCOS sisters out there and to anyone else trying to get healthy! XOXO